.

Identity

2010-06-05T11:49:00.005+08:00

I think it's funny, for a person to judge one's identity solely on his or her outward appearance or the way they present themselves, especially artists or people of the arts.

If you only see the difficulty in being original when everyone else seems to have already made a mark by the way they dress or talk; that no matter what you do you'll always be stepping on somebody's established territory; that originality is non-existent in this day and age; then you haven't discovered the origin of you.

We are all made up of many different parts that may be similar to one another but putting these parts together creates something uniquely you. They key is in finding what really comes out as what you're really about. Not the way you look, nothing about appearance. It's the way you think and act on it, and not giving a hoot about what others might say because you know yourself better. You dress what you think, not think what you dress. This is not about putting up a show to impress, it's about being originally you.

When you doubt yourself from what others say about you, then it means you're not strong enough to carry on with being yourself. Life is not an effort to please others or to garner some form of attention, to be liked and popular and whatever that comes with it. Life is a struggle in being content and at peace with yourself and your Creator, the One that knows you the best.

So, don't tell me originality is a lie, it only means that all this while you've been measuring yourself through others, it is futile. Try measuring the sky with a matchstick.

for K

2010-01-10T01:38:00.003+08:00

by accident, you may have sent that email to me. but i thank you, old friend. for any news from you is heaven sent.

and now i wish you'd come and talk to me again.

name

2009-12-25T17:38:00.002+08:00

Today, I shall write your name in the air and breathe you in.

dead flowers

2009-11-24T02:30:00.003+08:00

Despite the fact that the flowers you gave me died the moment the gardener cut their stems, I love them still. And now since I love you so much, I will have them mummified. Don't you love me more for that?

tin bucket

2009-11-09T14:03:00.002+08:00

Darling, this love is like a tin bucket of water with pin-sized holes punched at the bottom. We can stand and watch its content slowly drains out to make a puddle or we could keep on filling it up to feed our little garden.

As long as you help me carry this load, happy is carrying us down this road.

Someone

2009-11-05T12:30:00.003+08:00

Once, in a relationship that I thought was going to last, I thought wrong.

Again, in this relationship that I think and I hope will stand the test of time, I wonder if I'm mistaking you for someone else.

Someone that understood and accepted me as all that I am, all this while. Someone who's willing to fight for me and by my side. Someone who's not afraid to lose me for his conviction tells him it will never happen. Someone I could love without hurting so much from every single frown of impatience and brush of rejection, for the remedy is in the quick act of saying sorry.

I'm sorry I thought that someone was you. And I'll repeat this mistake over and over again if I have to.

Because

2009-10-27T16:31:00.002+08:00

And because the world is round, we run in circles.
And because the sun is bright, we cover our eyes.
And because there's truth in everything, we will find out the lies.

i imagine

2009-10-25T13:17:00.000+08:00

I imagine a shadow following my every step, slowly sucking and feeding upon my flesh, wishing to become whole. One day she'll wear my face, sing my songs, pretending to be me. But she will never be me. Even when there's not enough of me to sustain her existence, and she will find some other victim to leech on, she will always be a shadow without a shadow of her own. She will always be a shadow, wishing to become whole.

My best friend made this. ;)

2009-10-02T03:02:00.001+08:00

- Posted using Mobypicture.com

if you think

2009-04-21T22:09:00.002+08:00

Secret Gig

2009-04-10T04:04:00.002+08:00

I'm planning a small gig to celebrate my completing my degree in UiTM. Drop your email address if you're interested to join this graduation party gig. ;p

Location and date of event shall be discussed when we have 50 lucky participants. Like I said, it's a small gig. Thanks guys!

pain

2009-04-09T00:07:00.003+08:00

WARNING: contains mature/violent content that may be offensive to some

it's like out of the blue
somebody knocks you down
and you tumble headfirst onto the ground.
you grovel on the gravel,
searching for the card
that says get out of jail free
but it's gone

and blood drips from the crowning wound,
covers your eyes,
you cry to wash it away,
the bloody tears would not stop.

then he rips your chest open,
with one swift sharp motion,
claws your heart out,
tears it to small unrecognizable shreds
and throws it behind and above his head
like a confetti
welcomes the dead

he leaves you to die in the cold.
your blood making a shallow pool
for a watery grave
here lies a fool
for love lost its cool
and no one was saved

by Ana Raffali

040409 Borders Bookstore Berjaya Times Square

2009-03-28T14:14:00.004+08:00

Ahh.. A fantasy really.

Anyway, I'd like to dedicate this song to my best friend, A. He went balik kampung. This is such a pretty sad / sad pretty song.

Nothing Compares 2 U by Sinead O'Connor

It's been seven hours and fifteen days
Since you took your love away
I go out every night and sleep all day
Since you took your love away
Since you been gone I can do whatever I want
I can see whomever I choose
I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant
But nothing
I said nothing can take away these blues
`Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to you

It's been so lonely without you here
Like a bird without a song
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
Tell me baby where did I go wrong
I could put my arms around every boy I see
But they'd only remind me of you
I went to the doctor n'guess what he told me
Guess what he told me
He said girl u better try to have fun
No matter what you'll do
But he's a fool
`Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to you

all the flowers that you planted, mama
In the back yard
All died when you went away
I know that living with you baby was sometimes hard
But I'm willing to give it another try
Nothing compares
Nothing compares to you
Nothing compares
Nothing compares to you
Nothing compares
Nothing compares to you

My Evo

2009-02-21T08:30:00.001+08:00

Will update the blog later about this electric experience. ;)

alter ego and RANtAi

2008-12-14T01:50:00.003+08:00

I'm starting a side-blog in malay. Just another way of expressing myself. I think it's not fair to write songs in malay and english but not a blog in malay and english. I know I'd save more time by being bilingual in here but, I don't wanna mix things up.

I'll try to divide equal attention and love between my bloglings. ;p

***

Dark clouds were hovering before we, (Ana Raffali and the Marhaens) walked out of our HQ for a short drive to the Red Bungalow. It rained like a showerhead, opened and stucked in full-blast. One can only be grateful that one is not atop tall buildings handling electrical appliances while lightning was celebrating its existence.

The public's reception of us was pretty sweet. It felt so good to be able to play alongside the Marhaens again, although the line-up this time was different with the addition of Abg Mie (Flop Poppy's drummer) and Abg GG (guitarist and guitar luthier), to the original cast and crew Abg Aidit, Abg Andy FP and Adik Iqbal. ;p

It was the first time we played My Darling to its fullest rock potential. Ahh.. I so wanna play it again and again.

13 Dec

2008-12-04T15:47:00.002+08:00

I'll be performing for a RANtAi event.It's been a while since I blogged extensively. For a change I'll try to document the preparation for the gig. ;)

Link to the event

A little confusion

2008-12-03T23:31:00.002+08:00

Here's something to ponder.

I received a call from the bearer-of-good-news-thus-far with a bad news saying that the organizer decided not to pick us (Ana Raffali and the Marhaens) for the upcoming celcom UOX gig.

Not a big deal, really. (I've secured another special gig on the very same day.)

However, imagine my surprise when I visited this page to find that the voting is still going on. Now, if one has decided not to feature someone then it would only be right and civil to be more transparent about it. I. e. there shouldn't be any voting since the acts have been decided earlier on (reportedly). My sincerest apologies go to all of those who have voted before and recently. I appreciate your time, effort and phone credits.

In short, Ana Raffali and the Marhaens are not going to play for the UOX thingy.

Dear friends and family

2008-11-30T19:50:00.000+08:00

Guess what! I've been chosen as one of the possible performers for UOX Play this 13 Dec on the Sungei Wang Rooftop. It's soooo cool, of course it'll be cooler if we do actually get to perform there. So, I need your help to land me the gig.

Please follow the following steps;

1) Sign up here to entitle yourself to vote.
2) Go here to vote for me. ;)
3) Receive my deepest and warmest gratitude.
4) Wait and pray for the best.

Wish me luck!

DISCLAIMER:

You can stop voting now. There has been one big misunderstanding. Apparently, I was a little behind with the whole voting thingy. You have voted at the wrong page, the real voting page has yet to be announced. Thank you for your votes thus far. I would appreciate it if you could vote again when the actual voting page is put up by the organizer.

More information regarding the event can be found here.

If I get the votes, then I'll be sharing the stage with indie bands; Butterfingers, Hujan, One Buck Short, Tempered Mental, Laila's Lounge, They Will Kill Us All and Bittersweet. That's just amazing... :o amamamamazzzzing...

I'll post the actual links when I can, so hang tied. ;p

Hujan Bunga di Bandar Kuching

2008-11-29T02:39:00.005+08:00

Right after my french exam, I took a plane to Kuching for my first ever visit to Borneo. I was invited to perform for a kindergarten graduation ceremony as well as emceeing the event. In case you haven't figured out, I adore kids. They are such a joy to be with and having them singing "kalau rasa gembira" (if you're happy and you know it) complete with all the motions was simply amazing.

Of course it was absolutely spontaneous. The gleam in their eyes when I took Woodie out was unforgettable. They were crowding around me as if I was holding a golden monkey or something extraordinarily wonderful. And when they recognize the tune I was playing of course they just had to dance and sing along. It was magical. We repeated our act onstage afterwards and it was equally as memorable.

I sang HBKL(Kuching version) and Sepasang Sudu, a song that I only played once in a gig. Woodie did not disappoint. Although I forgot to change the strings and it was buzzing a little, the music was sweet enough to carry my voice, which happened to be recovering from a bad cold.

I don't really know what's wrong, but I seem to be prone to catching colds. Well.. maybe I do have a tiny suspicion of what might be causing the frequent sniffles, but it's not like I can change my bad habits as easily as saying "I will change my bad habits".

I am having a bad cold right now, bad as in the asthmatic kind. Kak Zaza had to give me a jab a little north from my seat of wisdom. They say that it hurts more if you're really sick and lemme tell you, I am probably sick as heck cause it felt as painful as heck. The temptation to cancel my appearance in ARTrage could not equal to this one single thought: the show better be worth the pain in the ^$$.

Well, considering the fact that I'll be playing with Iqbal (si pemain cello), and him alone, it should be mighty interesting and gutwrenching. I suppose the worst thing that could happen was if I were to forget the lyrics to my own song. Not that I have so many songs that would render me incapable of recalling them under gutwrenching circumstances anyway. At least not yet. ;)

ARTrage Lab

2008-11-25T13:08:00.002+08:00

Please bring your RM8 along. ;p

l.i.v.e.01

2008-10-31T16:02:00.002+08:00

We're recording the first single. In the meantime, here's a bootleg dvd selling for RM8. Of course you can only get it from me in my shows, so see you then! ;p

1, 2.. JUS

2008-10-31T03:21:00.002+08:00

Tonight's the night.

8.30 pm NTV7.

I Like To Move It, Move It with Madagascar 2!

2008-10-21T20:00:00.003+08:00

Move

It,

Move

with

Madagascar 2!

Plus 4th November is my birthday!! Hint hint. Can la? XOXO.

Hari Bintang Jatuh

2008-10-17T00:15:00.003+08:00

Wow.. it seems like forever since I last sang in public. I hope I can make up for the lost time. Oh, I'll also be standing by Jane's Fotobooth, do come and visit.

*This is Jane menyibuk; the booth is all about you. Yes, you. You guys perasan tak semua gambar2 Ana Raffali yang sangat hot and happening tu (cis ayat poyo nak mampos)? Those pictures were taken by none other than the elusive Aboutthelettera guy. Mamat ni shy gila, tapi jangan la segan dan malu nak bagitau dia (he's the photographer, I'm just the pimp mama) what you want in the pictures during the fotosession.

Tapi kalau you sendiri segan or tak kesah tentang the outcome of the pictures, kami ada art director merangkap partner in crime misteri yang akan muncul tanpa diundang untuk membantu you decide what's the best pose would make you all drop dead handsome/gorgeous dan sebagainya.

Details lebih lanjut kena datang sendiri that day okay?

Pembaca blog saya sila tegur Jannah tau? Kita buat camwhore session kejap tepi booth nanti.

New Nokia Fund

2008-10-07T15:24:00.002+08:00

Now as I watch you from afar...

I lost my Nokia N95 while watching a Nokia sponsored movie. Talk about irony.

You can still call me on my number but please introduce yourself.

And don't forget to click on the adverts shown courtesy of Nuffnang.com

It's part of my New Nokia Fund.

That is all.

Comments on 90:10

2008-09-29T00:26:00.003+08:00

I think the comments left on my last post deserves more discussion. Allow me to devote an entire entry on my feedback.

acat said;
houston we have a problem. 90:10 is about creating opportunities. opportunities for the local talents to show what they got. that our music is at par or even better than our aural neighbours. u do have to wonder how they do it. i mean u have to admit that their songs are good. so how? even if u have 90% local content, the 10% still have a big influence on how people buy music. well those that buy anyways.

rather than limit the influx of foreign music to 10%, why don't we just play the 10% that just sucks. expose people to the uglier side of their music. i'm sure not all coming over here are that good anyways.

but then we come across the dilemma of who decides who sucks? coz clearly music is very subjective and one person's shrieking banshee cries might be an angelic serenade to the other.

for me i feel that good music is good music is good music. u listen to the music that makes u feel good. be it local or foreign. i for one do not want to be told that hey i can't listen to this band or that band just because they're not local.

but i guess it boils down to opportunities. maybe by having this 90:10 rule we would have more opportunities to uncover the hidden gems in our local music industry.

whether or not that's enough to make you go out and buy their cd's is another thing all together la kan.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 5:57:00 AM

Acat,
I agree that good music is good music. The reason why we get more good Indonesian songs over here is simple mathematics. Said country is huuuuge, the more people they have, the bigger the ratio for songs to be written. Let say that only 1 out of 10 songs that are played on the radio will be a hit. The more songs you have, the more hit songs you gonna get as well. Do the math.

Most of the foreign musicians that perform here are already "kaya raya" back at home. They have managed to tough out the competition there, of course we only get to taste the cream of the crop. But what about finding our own cream of the crop? That's why we need more opportunities i.e. slots for our musicians to tough it out, I believe, instead of unnecessarily promote music that has already made it (popularized).

The idea is that the more you play local songs, the bigger the chance that more good songs will be discovered by their target listeners.

When you have the same old song played over again and again, you're not changing anything.

effi said;

I wrote a mini blog in here just now. I think it was in access of 800 words. But somehow it was deleted by blogger due to some internet shit

But I will soldier on and try to rewrite it again. GOD I HATE BLOGGER sometimes

Here is a cliff note on what I wrote earlier. Penat!

1. 90:10 will be NEP kind of directive.

It is then open to abuse with people just trying to make the numbers with disregard to quality. We are in a modern world with an open market. This is not the 80's anymore. People will still listen to music asing even with 90:10 in place. As a result 90:10 will be a failure anyway resulting in radios having to close shop. Worse case scenario, not many radio to play songs and we are back to square one.

2. Malaysian voted with their ears and wanted indo songs because of two reason.

a) Malaysian artistes are mostly prefab, fake, factory assemble , pretty face automatons forced to conform to what the record execs wanted to sell to the people. They have no say on their musical direction or what they think is good for them. All Malaysia artistes started this way. Only when they started to carved their own name they have a say on what they want. This is a very small percentage. It is not we don’t have talent but we have stunted talent no thanks to record execs. 90:10 will give the execs more reason to pigeonhole the talents into specific genres. We don’t need 90:10. We need a revamp on the way music is being managed here. Torn down the old regime and I say we will see marked difference sharpish!

b) Malaysian artistes mostly don't write their own song. As cool as Wings, Search and XPDC are they relied on LOLOQ, MNASIR and JS KEVIN to write their stuffs. It came as no surprise that XPDC died a horrible death as soon as JS KEVIN passed away 5 years ago. They just dunno how to write good shit. Butterfingers in the other hand write their won music. You can actually see the musical evolve over the past 15 years. Now that is one band that will always get my vote! Will the implementation of 90:10 guarantees better music quality or we are just giving "writers" silly excuse to dump mediocre composition on us?

I am sure you have heard this argument before right Anna? I see your points but 90:10 will be a failure. It won’t change a thing. They should have instead champion the right for musicians to have the freedom to choose what they want to be and play. That would be a worthy cause to fight

Good luck in your career Anna. I love your stuff thus far. I like your stuff because it's better than the crap I heard on the radio. Not because you are Khalid or Jannah's sister

When will the album be out? I want to plug your album on my blog nanti.

P/s: abaikan typo. I was pissed the last comment was lost in cyberspace!

Sunday, September 28, 2008 1:13:00 PM

effs,
I don't think the objective is to curb people to listen to what they like. So if you like Indonesian songs, go la buy the cd. Support the music that you love!

It's just that with the way things are going, it's just isn't helping our local music industry to grow. The reason why 90:10 could make a whole lot of difference is that it targets the origin of how a song gets to be popular, through the local radio which is accessible to almost everyone provided they have a mechanism that allows them to tap into the stations.

You never know whether a song is good or not unless you hear it out. Most good songs get buried in the pile of unknowns because radio stations would rather prefer to play sure-fire hits than experiment and take risks. Why not cut down on the old hit songs and give us potential new hit songs for a change.

I see your points as well, Effs, but I do believe that since 90:10 is the brainchild of composers and musicians within the local music industry, they have the full knowledge of what's really going on. It's not something that was thought out overnight or cooked up at parties or whatever. This is serious business, and who else should take the business seriously if not for the people behind the music business.

Changing ideologies and mentality is rather optimistic if not idealistic. You want people to start having the freedom to choose what they want to be or play. What makes you think that the freedom is not there? I just think it was never really exercised by some people. Maybe they honestly want to, but they can't because they don't really believe in themselves and their music to fight for it. Or their interest was in the money from the very beginning and not for the sake of the art. Doing nothing is as much of a choice as doing something. There's always an alternative.

On a personal level, I am grateful for the fact that I am able to write songs that are close to my heart, songs that are not based upon a formula that was dictated by the music industry since I have no idea what that formula is and even if I do, it would be to avoid it. I'm trying to make a small difference here, but I realized that my efforts would be in vain without being given the chance to be heard.

90:10

2008-09-24T01:35:00.000+08:00

I'm too lazy to write what 90:10 stands for but, if you could make a quick visit to read what a rather interesting and active blogger I met have written about it, you might be able to get the back story. (NOTE: Thanks for the support, Mr. Manager!)

...

Thank you for taking the time to read up on the issue.

As Mr. Manager have kindly mentioned that I "fearlessly spoke at the forum", let me share with you my opinion on the matter.

So we have this problem that foreign songs have been dominating the public airwaves. By dominating I mean, constantly being played by radio stations, sometimes even back to back. This is proven as potentially dangerous for our local music industry to be sustainably profitable since the promotion of new artists and new albums and songs is depended upon these radio stations.

It seems to me that a lot of people have been hankering on the point that there should not be any prejudice towards music. I agree. But the reality is that it happens.

My brother, Asyiq was driving me to practice one day. We were listening to a local pop radio station.

"Kenapa sekarang banyak betul lagu-lagu dari Indonesia?"

My brother has been away in Moscow for his studies.

"Entahlah.."

I guess people haven't been really noticing what they are being fed nowadays. The thing is, since we are being fed with it on a daily basis, the phenomena just crept up on us without us really realizing it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all about good music speaking for themselves. But you have to give enough opportunities for good music to be heard. Instead of asking the question why 90:10, ask yourself, why not 90:10? We have to start caring about our music and how it affects our daily lives.

I'm rooting for the 90:10, not because my life is affected by it, it's because we are all in this together. Stop saying that our music industry is dead or we don't have many or enough good songwriters. We do have a lot and we have to start believing that they are enough to sustain our musical needs.

I think it's rather funny that the other party have been saying that it's unfair for us to put such demand, have you ever asked yourself why our musicians don't really get as much support from their side, though music as they say is universal?

2008-09-18T19:04:00.000+08:00

Sweet!

nonsense 1

2008-09-17T01:52:00.002+08:00

I was waiting for the bus close to 2 hours. When it finally reached the bus stop, it just went on his way without me.

I didn't miss the bus, the bus missed me!

And it was raining, my nose was running. Worst, I was running out of tissues. And I had to make a run back to the train station to catch the train to another train station.

And I had to choose that day of all days to lug around the biggest and baddest bag that I could bag which was lying around at home, begging to be bagged. That bag was probably heavier than its content.

Well, I guess I probably lost some weight from the ordeal. That's why I have the opinion that people who go to gyms are rather into s&m.

11 a.m

2008-09-10T11:41:00.002+08:00

So, I didn't cry buckets. I didn't cry into the sea. Trust my mischievous heart not to allow myself to break down and break apart.

Have I dealt with my fears? Have I lifted the guilt and buried the misery of unspoken sincerity? Maybe yes sounds more hopeful than maybe no, but are they not the same?

Maybe they are...

I suppose this is one of those days that refused to be dismissed as just any other days. It's a day that shall determined the strength of my convictions, my sense of purpose.

So, I'll trust what's left of my heart to whisper to the half that was given away, not to flinch or falter as they try to prove us wrong.

1 a.m

2008-09-10T01:04:00.002+08:00

I don't cry. I rarely cry. But tonight, I feel like I want to spill buckets. I want to soak my sorrow in my tears. Wash this guilt and misery away.

I could cry into the sea, and the waves will keep on crashing.

Random I

2008-08-29T19:12:00.005+08:00

This was simply historic. The last time I was in a bookstore with my dad was when I was little and I had an obsession for Enid Blyton's book. It was so adorable, my dad was kinda shy. He'd rather buy a book instantly without browsing through its content. So I had to ask the attendant to unwrap the book for him. I mean, if you're buying something, you need to know if it's worth buying of course.
This little precious bundle of love is Jada Kyra, my newborn niece (actually she wasn't newly born, her birthday; 20/07/2008). I went to see her the first time bringing Damo with me. Apparently, Jada likes my music, or at least I like to think so. She was making disgruntled sounds before I picked up the guitar and played HBKL. And the little sweetie kept quiet and just listened. It was funny the way her eyes were turned sideways to better see me sitting on the sofa to her right. The theory is that my sis, kak Juan went to see me perform at Laundry. Jada must have heard me while she was inside her mother's womb and liked what she heard. ;)

Gig on the 23rd

2008-08-21T01:27:00.001+08:00

Mine

2008-08-12T00:06:00.005+08:00

TGA STR dlx
Grand Auditorium body

Solid Spruce top in gloss finish

Multiple bound top, tapered body

Rosewood back and sides, gloss

Mahogany neck, matt

Oval shaped, rosewood fingerboard

Nickel silver frets

Rosewood Bridge

Compensating saddle

Gold stepped tuning buttons

Meet my new buddy, Woodie Mallamy. I got this from my first cheque (yay!) courtesy of my record label, Indah Karya owned by Aidit Alfian.

This is a rather huge step from Johney and Damo. I got Johney 2 years ago. I didn't know what good guitars are capable of doing then, so I chose Johney basely upon face value. It was rather shallow but Johney and I wrote a couple of nice songs that I am proud of. But, it was due time to get a better sounding mechanism.

We were in the guitar shop testing out really nice (and i-wish-i-made-more-money) guitars. I had a taste of my dream 'guy' (guitar, of course). He felt so goooood in my hands and made the loveliest of sounds. Alas, I felt that the timing wasn't right. 1) I don't have the money (yet..) 2) I don't have enough skills to earn the ultimate pleasure of handling him. Between the two, the latter is a stronger reasoning to settle for Woodie.

By to settle, I mean it wasn't as if there wasn't any other choice. Woodie was a rare case of fate knocking on my door. Abg Andy suggested the guitar to me, somehow we share the same preference for grand concert and auditorium bodied guitars compared to dreadnoughts which was abg Aidit's special quest of the moment.

It was the only one of its kind left in the shop. It was love at first chord, G to be exact. *sigh. It was really nice to hold and I like how bright and warm it sounds. The best part about it is that, I could feel the notes resonating and somehow swooping down to grab a hold of my heart.

I had to make the decision between getting Woodie or saving the money so I could get a headstart on nabbing dream 'guy'. Since I am performing, I need to have a decent sounding guitar to carry my songs. So it was decided that Woodie should be a good enough guitar to accompany me in my shows. It is my hope that what earnings I have through the help of Woodie will finance my acquisition of dream 'guy'. When the time comes, the effort would be more worth it and perhaps I would be more worthy of owning such a fine instrument.

Until then, I just have to keep on writing, improving and work hard enough so that my next guitar would be an upgrade that's more natural according to the order of the universe.

So for now, I shall let my dream 'guy', an American of German descent, be the yummy healthy carrot to drive me on and on and on. ;)

guitar2 ku sayang

2008-08-08T05:19:00.007+08:00

It's been a while since I acted really impulsive. Yesterday, I bought a low end guitar for RM90 from a stationery and photocopy shop. Ever since school started and I had to commute from Lembah Keramat to Shah Alam, often times I find myself missing the feel of a guitar in my hands. While waiting for the bus, sandwiched on the LRT, walking to class. The heart could never forget the joy of striking a chord to chase an irresistible melody, even for a second.

Of course, my soul craves to be in constant company of the guitar, only to improve myself. I don't mind having Johney around, but I figured I need a lighter load so I could avoid a permanent spinal injury. So I have faith that Sakura Damo (I think he's Japan-born and Taiwan-bred) would be an awesome traveling companion.

From now on, I'm gonna be shameless, if I feel like there's no harm in playing the guitar at any time or place, I'm gonna take Damo out and have some fun. This surge of carpe diem bravery did not blossom overnight however. It took me a couple of shows under my belt now and this burning desire to be a better guitar player for my own self-satisfaction. The gang and I have been discussing possibilities of us basking on the streets ever since that show we did at “that green thing”. We went unplugged totally. ;)

I only knew Damo for less than 3 hours before we had our first public performance together. I tried my “best test” to tune the guitar without the trusty electronic tuner (I’m usually a serious musician and do carry a tuner around but on that day I left my little guitar bag in the big guitar bag). It sounded fairly out of tune but it wasn’t disastrous as long as the strings were tuned on each other or tuned in together, I think, I hope. There was a charity carnival at my faculty so I sang two songs of my own. Someone requested Ghost and I was like ‘how in the world do you know that song?’ It surprises me each day to chance upon people who actually heard me on the net.

Anyway, Damo and I did Ghost together. It was a rather interesting experience. I wish I could say we sounded good together. I never knew how difficult it was to play with the mic constantly picking fights with my guitar strumming hand. And to concentrate on singing pleasantly enough while your eyes glued to the yet unfamiliar fingerboard to form chords. Playing Damo is going to be a tad torturous for the upcoming weeks I’m sure, but the outcome is gonna be worth it.

Having a closer inspection of Damo, I could finally make out the pencil marks on the plywood, the lopsided brand sticker, the messy bridge … Well, I got it for a dirt cheap price anyway. Of course it doesn’t matter if he’s of a lesser quality. As long as he gets the job done i.e. translating my ideas into music and helping me to improve my playing. I should probably state the fact that I have no intention whatsoever to be an extraordinary guitarist or pull a 2 minute solo on any one of my songs; I do have an amazing gang of musicians and friends ( the MARHAENS) to back me up on that. I just hope to be more equipped in delivering my songs as it rightly deserves.

i don't know you now

2008-08-06T01:17:00.006+08:00

Why are you avoiding me? Don't you want to be friends with me anymore?

No, it's not like that. It's not like that, at all.

Then, why won't you pick up my calls? Why are you keeping quiet all of a sudden?

...

I don't understand. We're friends, right? Friends talk to each other. Why won't you talk to me?

There's nothing to talk about.

What do you mean there's nothing to talk about? You not talking is something that we should talk about? Are you in trouble? Are you unwell? What?

It's nothing like that.

Then, what is it?

I don't want you to trouble yourself with it.

But, we're friends. Friends help each other out.

You can't help me.

We won't know unless we try.

It doesn't matter. There's nothing you could do about it.

Of course there's nothing I could do about it, I don't even know what it is. Tell me, maybe you're wrong.

It doesn't work that way.

Well, it should. I don't understand why you're behaving this way. Was it something I did or didn't do?

It's not about you.

Then tell me what's it about?

...

We've been friends for so long. How come I don't know you right now?

the things we used to do

2008-08-05T02:59:00.002+08:00

why did we stop?
when did we stop?
i never asked, so you never told me.

was it always that simple?
were you always that simple?
i'll never change, so you never will.

LEPAQ with me

2008-07-17T05:53:00.003+08:00

I'll be performing an acoustic set at LEPAQ Performing Arts Cafe, 22 Ground Floor, Jln 28/70A, Desa Sri Hartamas today, around 9.30pm.

This is one of those rare occasions that I'll be playing songs that I've never played in public (in the flesh).

They might be;

Sepasang sudu
Paint me
Something Grand
Head Games
Aku Salah

It's gonna be more intimate. I'll sing for you tonight. ;)

Come one, come all

2008-07-17T04:26:00.003+08:00

That Green Thing

acoustic set. totally unplugged. 18 July 2008. 7pm. bring own mugs.

Sticky Post: New Nokia Fund

2008-07-10T14:50:00.000+08:00

This is a sticky post, for the usual posts please scroll down a bit. This post stays at the top till my birthday. Hint. Wink. Wink

Now as I watch you from afar...

GrrrrLS Gig

2008-07-09T18:53:00.000+08:00

Next gig.

back to school

2008-07-09T01:24:00.000+08:00

The holiday is over, and I'm returning once more to campus, hopefully, for the last semester. I must admit, at first I wasn't that excited to be hitting the books again. But after the 2nd day, I am rather thrilled with what we'll be learning and going through. I am and always be a genuine sucker of finding out about stuff.

It's great that my final semester only requires 3 days of classes in a week. Therefore, I am free to do my extra-curricular activities. I was a little worried about that actually.

It's always the case that the best I could do is to do my best. ;)

4th of July

2008-07-04T00:52:00.001+08:00

The setlist;

Hujan Bunga
Mekanika
Tingkap Kaca
Ghost
(Lovely Lovely Scene)

Hujan Bunga

2008-06-27T17:06:00.003+08:00

Lyrics:

ramalan kaji cuaca kata aku kan jatuh cinta
the weather report said that I'll be falling in love

tapi tak pula beritahu dengan siapa
but it didn't say who's it gonna be

lalu hari ini ku berlari mencari-cari
so today, I've been running around looking for

si dia yang bakal miliki hati ini
the one whose full name is on my heart

*mungkin dia ada di situ
maybe that's him, over there

tersenyum padaku
smiling at me

namun malu-malu
ever so shyly

hujan bunga di Kuala Lumpur ini
it's raining flowers in KL

sudah tiada masa untuk mencari payung
there's no time to be looking for umbrellas

berteduh kita bawah surat khabar
lets take shelter under newspapers

lalu terbaca berita lama kata
and read the same old news

hujan ini tak akan reda
this rain won't ever stop

ikut rasa ingin sahaja aku hampirinya
if it was up to me I'll go to him

tapi ku takut apa pula kata semua
but I'm afraid of what they'll say

bukan senang untuk ku meluangkan masa ini
it's never easy to take the time for this

sekadar peluang mengisi ruang kosong hati
merely a chance to fill in this longing

*repeat

***hujan ini tak akan reda
this rain won't ever stop

Words and music by Ana Raffali (anaraffali muzik ent.)

This is one of our jam sessions. Over here we have 2/5 of the Marhaens, the lovable Iqbal on the cello, and the err..equally lovable abg Aidit on the guitar. ;p

Currently, Hujan Bunga is the song of the moment, though I wrote this song sometime last year. If you haven't guessed what it's about, it's just me having fun on the idea of love being as predictable or unpredictable as the weather.

I mean, if the report says that it's gonna rain later this evening, I'm sure some people would take the trouble to carry an umbrella wherever they go. So, if it says that you're going to fall in love tonight, are you going to be ready for it?

Well, are you?

The Marhaens

2008-06-11T17:01:00.003+08:00

May 27, 2008 - Tuesday

25 Mei 2008 - Ana Raffali & The Marhaens.

22 Mei 2008 - Rumah Aidit Alfian bergegar! Untuk tujuan menyerikan lagi
lagu-lagu indah ciptaan "Ana Raffali", sebuah orkes "orang-orang tua berjiwa
muda" telah ditubuhkan. Orkes "The Marhaens" dianggotai oleh aiDils-akustik
gitar, Andy Silatonggek-bass, ruMie Kakikeper-Drum dan JakPA Carcosa-gitar.
Kejadian berlaku dirumah Aidit Alfian jam 3 ptg. Ditubuhkan untuk mengiring Ana
di Acoustic Nite at Annex KL.Bermula dengan lagu "Hujan Bunga" hingga ke lagu
"Masih" semua berjalan lancar hingga ke jam 9 malam.

23 Mei 2008 - Kehadiran anggota ke enam.Bagi tujuan meramai, menyempit dan
mengkelam kabutkan lagi orkes berkenaan, seorang "anak muda berjiwa tua" telah
didatangi khas dari Uitm. Pemain Cello berbakat dalam seni muzik klasikal dan
juga tarian tolak muka. Dikenali dengan nama Rem. Setelah berlaku kekeliruan dan
bunyi cello yang menyakitkan gigi & telinga, Rem berjaya membawa Ana &
The Marhains ke satu level yang lebih baik. Mainan beliau untuk lagu "Tingkap
Kaca" dan "Ghost" sungguh menambat hati. Orkes ini juga semakin mantap, dengan
lagu-lagu lain seperti "Mekanika" dan "Lovely Scene" di perdendangkan dengan
amat berkesan. Tarian ala-ala Streching dan juga tolak muka juga telah
menampakkan hasil, walau pun lenguh.

24 Mei 2008 - Hujan Bunga vs Hujan Batu.Hujan lebat mengiring latihan
mereka hari ini. Tapi ini tidak menahan semangat mereka untuk terus berlatih.
Oleh kerana ini adalah latihan terakhir sebelum mereka turun berjuang, satu set
telah digubal untuk gig tersebut. Prestasi Ana pada tahap maksima, Rumie bersama
keris Bataknya tampak lebih confident, Andy (berasal dari Thailand) terpaksa
menyeberangi Yalla, Aidit (berketurunan Jawa) lebih bersedia dengan kain pelikat
yang diikat kemas, Iqbal sanggup mengurangkan tidurnya untuk mengurangkan
sumbang cellonya dan Alfa tidak pernah kelihatan lebih segak dan bergaya dari
ini. 6 lagu akan diperdendangkan esoknya.

25 Mei 2008 - Ana Raffali di Annex!Jam 3 ptg lagi Ana & The Marhaens
telah bersedia untuk warm up. Berbekalkan senjata masing-masing, semua dah
bersedia, bersemangat menanti detik 830 mlm.Tepat masanya, bagaikan dirasuk
semua berjalan lancar. Persembahan Ana memang tidak dapat diperkatakan lagi.
Hebat!!! Tampak ayu berbaju kurung ungu. Lagu demi lagu berlalu. hinggalah ke
lagu yang ke tujuh. Syabas pada Ana. Walaupun malu-malu untuk berinterak dengan
penonton, tapi kemantapan vokalnya dapat dirasa.

Jakpa telah diajukan soalan, dan jawapan beliau berbunyi begini."Sumbangan
kami ini adalah sangat kecil, tidak sempat pun mengeluarkan bau dan peluh, hanya
sekadar ingin memantapkan lagi lagu-lagu ciptaan Ana. Walau bagaimanapun ia
tetap menjadi kenangan yang amat indah untuk saya dan anggota orkes yang lain.
Rugi pada yang tak datang tengok".
Taken from Alfa Booty's myspace.

Moonshining

2008-06-10T17:00:00.002+08:00

I'm bringing along the Marhaens to back me up for Laundry. Oh, I like I like I like.

EDITED:

We'll play the following songs;

Mekanika
Masih
Lovely2 Scene
Ghost
Tingkap Kaca
HBKL

I'm hoping that given the annexe experience, I'll be able to communicate my songs in a more intimate and friendlier way. ;p Hope to see you there!

Earthbound Unbound

2008-06-08T12:02:00.002+08:00

Yay!! I finished the game.

It was awesome and the ending was perfect.

But..

now there's a HUGE hole inside my chest.

home sweet home

2008-06-03T02:40:00.003+08:00

So, I'm weeks into my semester break. (In simpler terms, it has been weeks since the last semester ends and I'm lounging around at home). I like being at home. I could not go out of the house for days and still be sane and happy. So, how do I spend my time at home huh?

A lot of time is spent on the guitar now. I mean, I'm not much of a guitar player but I hope to change that pretty soon. It's interesting to note how I have improved (even if it's little) from the videos I have posted on youtube in the past. I'm looking into writing more songs, I have sooo many things to talk about. I wish it's as easy as flipping a switch on.

Apart from that, I've been catching up on my reading. I could spend hours and hours with a book in my hand. Not that I'm a slow reader (at least I don't think I am). I just love books. Part of the objectives or goal for this break is to get my 2 nephews and niece to read. I have a plan and I will blog a whole entry about it later.

I may not look like it, but I'm actually a sucker for video games. This break has been devoted to completing as many online games as possible as well as NES games. I'm trying to complete Earthbound. It's been a while since I stopped playing it. But I'm moving into hardcore gamer mode already so it should take a couple of days more, if not less, provided that what I've written in paragraph 2 sticks.

And yes, how could I leave out my daily sudoku dosages? I loooove puzzles. Sudoku is probably one of the simplest puzzle to figure out compared to the rubic's cube. Khalil, my big bro, is the only one in my household that could finish the puzzle. I just don't understand how he does it. But I do know that he spent hours and hours of trying to figure out the pattern and all. I spent less than an hour and refuse to succumb to its evil powers.

Anyway, just sharing some stuff. ;)

RANtAi AKUSTIK NITE la voix’ de femmes

2008-05-23T11:00:00.003+08:00

No Black Tie was awesome. Thank you very much to those who came especially Amir, Yat, Firdaus, Zeti, Junad and a bunch of others. Didn't expect you guys even knew pun. ;p

This next gig is going to be pretty awesome. I'll be playing the following songs with a band. Yay!!
In no particular order;

HBKL
Masih
Tingkap Kaca
Bukan Mekanika
Ghost
Lovely2 Scene

Hope to see you there! ;)

Learning to Care

2008-05-20T03:29:00.003+08:00

As harsh as the truth may seem, at one time being a university student was not enough to educate me in caring for the environment. Perhaps, despite the university’s effort in promoting a cleaner learning atmosphere, I was just being dismissive by choosing to leave all the work to those who got paid to do it rather than taking up some of the work myself. I used to think that I’m already doing my share by throwing my trash in the bin and that was all I need to be sure that I was a good enough citizen. But I soon learned that I could do more, that caring for the environment can be a culture that each and every one of us may learn to live by.

I was given the opportunity to join the student exchange program in Japan in 2006, I was delighted beyond compare. Here was the chance for me to fulfill one of my dreams, which is to experience life in the land of the reddish sun. Life in Japan has opened up my mind to a myriad of things. The sight, smell, sound, taste and touch of everything that is new bring about a wonderful experience. In turn I realized that what makes up this amazing country do not lay solely upon the tall buildings or efficient railway system, or the advance in telecommunications etc. but more importantly on the people themselves. I was given the golden opportunity to immerse myself in the culture of the Japanese people. And one of the most important philosophies I have learned is “mottainai”.
It is difficult to explain the literal meaning of “mottainai”. Shimizu-sensei, my professor on Japanese studies in Bunkyo Gakuin University (BGU), Tokyo, always compared it to the Malay old adage that mothers use in telling their children if they don’t finish their food, “nanti nasi menangis” (then the rice will cry). Japanese mothers instill the culture of treating everything as precious by not wasting them even in their children and I was able to see this through being in the company of my Japanese friends. Every time they see that I had some food left on my plate, they would offer to finish them. In time I learned to grab my chopsticks and finish my food on my own heartily. This simple act of not wanting to let things go to waste extends further in the lives of the Japanese people. It is fact that Japan is leading the way to a safer and cleaner environment in line with not letting this earth go to waste.

At first, I thought Shimizu-sensei was an old eccentric when I saw him writing notes on the back of printed papers but soon discover that it was an excellent alternative to sending them to the recycling bin. If people don’t know any better, they would assume that he was just being cheap, but consider how much the little things that he do would give back to nature, forests are protected, energy is reserved. I was also impressed with what I saw when I was staying with my Japanese family. In the kitchen, there were two bins; one for burnable items, the other was for unburnable items. I’m assuming that the unburnable items refer to items such as glass bottles and plastics that may be recycled, whereas the burnable refers to normal household waste. In Malaysia, the culture of recycling seems to have yet to catch up in modern households. But the city of Tokyo is decorated with plenty of color and picture coded recycling bins that line up the streets making it more convenient for people to uphold the idea of reduce, reuse and recycle.

When BGU held a “Green Day” on the 9th of November 2006, an army of students clad in bright green jackets that was more than a fashion statement scoured the university compound in search of the notorious substance called litter. The enthusiasm that they portrayed in participating in the activity sums up their understanding of the importance of taking part in efforts to care for the environment. Even though there were hardly any trash lying around to begin with, the mere thought of the activity itself is commendable. I was impressed by this small yet meaningful gesture of caring of which I hope to bring back to Malaysia.

Now I am more particular about using my resources and doing my share to help caring for, not my but our environment. I print new notes on the blank side of my old materials, finish the rice on my plate, recycle plastic bottles and papers, and many more. Although all of these may sound as hardly worth mentioning, as they are bigger environmental problems out there in the world, I do believe that it’s alright for us to think small so that in time the changes will be big.

Live at No Black Tie

2008-05-03T03:37:00.002+08:00

So I'm gonna be sharing the stage with some very talented people. It's gonna be awesome. Below is the potential setlist (in no particular order);

1) Hujan Bunga di Kuala Lumpur
2) Tingkap Kaca
3) Bukan Mekanika
4) Ghost
5) Lovely Lovely Scene
6) My Darling

Hope to see you there! ;)

Gardening

2008-04-26T12:27:00.001+08:00

Everyone must leave something behind when he dies, my grandfather said. A child or a book or a painting or a house or a wall built or a pair of shoes made. Or a garden planted. Something your hand touched some way your soul has somewhere to go when you die, and when people look at that tree or that flower you planted, you're there. It doesn't matter what you do, he said, so long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that's like you after you take your hands away. The difference between the man who just cuts lawns and a real gardener is in the touching, he said. The lawn cutter might just as well not have been there at all; the gardener will be there a lifetime. - Granger, Farenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury.

10) John Mayer

2008-04-24T06:27:00.003+08:00

taken from here

Despite the fact that my love, the phantom, has a particular animosity towards this particular human, I still think John Mayer (JM) is awesome. (but, darling you're the best!)

I remembered when his songs arrived on our airwaves. And the tv kept on showing "No Such Thing", so I kinda knew him from the start, at least at the start of his big international break. But, I wasn't really a listener. In fact, when "Your Body is A Wonderland" came out, I had a certain dislike towards this seemingly shallow personality. I recalled riding on the bus and listening to the radio and commenting, "What the heck was this guy thinking?".

But, I have forgiven him over the years and slowly I warmed up to him. The turning point was when I heard "Daughters" in the car and thought, "Hey, isn't this that wonderland guy?" and the line that caught me was [with my heart in my hand]. Man, that's very powerful and not to mention graphic.

So I got the chance to see him while I was in Japan. (Please click here if you haven't read my account of the event plus how corny and obsessive I was.)

I like JM because his songs are the kind that I would write myself. Take "3x5", one of my favorite songs on this entire planet, about wanting to share real moments with someone who is not nearby. I like how the song has a rather hopeful feel to it [you'll be with me next time I go outside, no more 3x5s (photos), just no more 3x5s]. Another song that demonstrates this is "Back to You". I think what's very endearing about this song is that it has the simplest, honest lyrics and they just flow effortlessly with the strong melody.

What is more, I like how his latest album is musically different and more complex (even sexier). It shows how he has grown as an artist as well as a person. Apart from that, he has a pretty wicked sense of humor and is a blogger (do write more, JM!) too. Yeah, we're kindred spirits. ;p

Top 10 Favorites II

2008-04-23T03:25:00.002+08:00

Here's an update on my ranking of males with voices I wouldn't mind climbing on a car heading to the end of the world with.

Daniel Johns (silverchair) - Reflections of A Sound
Mathieu Bauer - Again
Damien Rice - Cannonball
Ken Christianson - Pornographic Audio
Matthew Bellamy (MUSE) - Falling Away with You
JR Richards (Dishwalla) - Surrender the Crown
Jason Mraz - Mr. Curiosity
Thom Yorke (Radiohead) - All I Need
Jamie Scott (and the town) - When Will I See Your Face Again
John Mayer - 3x5

I'm gonna do some sort of a cover story on how my musical love affairs with the gentlemen on the above list started and perhaps share some interesting bits about them.

buses and trains

2008-04-23T00:57:00.000+08:00

I’m on my break and I’m only one semester away from graduation, hopefully. I’m moving back in with my parents since I won’t be staying near campus anymore. My roomies are already done with their degree which means I’ll be on my own for my final semester. And honestly, I don’t feel like going through the process of finding new roommates. So, we agreed that I should commute. I kind of like riding the buses and trains to get to places. You see so many things everyday.

It kinda gets on my nerve to see inconsiderate people hogging onto seats when people more deserving are left standing uncomfortably. That’s why, at times I rather stand. Often times, I’m really vocal about it. So don’t be surprised if I ask you to give up your seat to the poor parents struggling with little kids or to the fella with the walking stick.

something grand

2008-04-10T03:34:00.002+08:00

I once knew a man
believed his life was his
bended all the rules
he would not suffer fools.

They left him to die,
while the sun was high.

But if,
I were in his shoes,
I won't let them shoot me
I would fight
my way into the night.

I once knew a child
Believed she own the world
Fed it with her dreams
So it would grow long limbs.

They call out her name,
and put her to shame.

But if,
I were in her place,
I won't let them play me
I would tear
them so they wouldn't dare.

For all of the lies that
we have been so gently fed
For all of the dreams that
they have forced us to forget

It's so easy to bow down
get up now,
get off the ground.
It's time to take a stand for your demands.
It's time to make demands for something grand.

Words and music by Ana Raffali (anaraffali muzik ent.)

My darling

2008-04-04T08:38:00.003+08:00

Here I am, my darling
Why did you turn away,
My throat is dry
there's nothing more to say

I'd give you anything,
as long as it would bring
water to my lips
your love on my ring

*don't say you don't need me,
I already know
you want me to leave you
but I won't let go
someday you will learn
to point out the sign
so pour me your love,
since you've drunk all of mine.

time to quench your doubt
you already know
what this is about
you and I
forget the past
ignore all the rest
they mean nothing

there's only us, my darling
my heart's better half
rid me of this thirst
love me for myself

I've given you everything
what more do you need
do not resist me
just follow my lead

*repeat

there's only us, my darling
when will you come to me?

Words and music by Ana Raffali (anaraffali muzik ent.)

Will update you on;
1) Acoustic Musings
2) Being unwell

Acoustic Musings

2008-03-26T10:27:00.003+08:00

courtesy of theattic and aboutthelettera.com

e for eggs

2008-03-26T09:21:00.003+08:00

when i was a little girl, i was rather picky when it comes to food. when mummy cooked something i don't feel like eating, i won't eat at all. but, abah found a way to make sure that i'd never go hungry. he would fry eggs for me. not just any fried eggs, but the real nice crispy brown that only i know how to appreciate. so throughout my childhood, i considered myself to be very privelleged to have exactly what i want, when i want it.

and even now, everytime i go home, abah would always ask me "nak telur?", and always i would say yes, please, thank you daddy! and when abah would pretend that he thought i've eaten, mummy would step up to the frying pan. i loooooove em both.

my best buddy, faizah says i'm sooooo easy to please. she cooks me nice crispy brown eggs too and i'd marry her if i could.

i wonder if i would grow up to be exactly as i am now without the protein in those millions of fried eggs i've consumed. always insisting for it exactly as i want it. obstinate, hard-headed, determined, obsessive, tough to crack unlike humpty dumpty.

as long as i learn to watch myself, i'll be fine.

g for ghost

2008-03-15T04:20:00.003+08:00

I was saving this entry to write about one of my favorite own songs, i.e. ghost. But, I change my mind. This entry will be on the other ghost that I love, i.e. the opera ghost.

For those of you who have yet to read the The Phantom of the Opera by Gaston Leroux, I highly recommend it to you. Do not settle for Andrew Lloyd Webber's musical only, although it is my favorite musical of all time. The original (or translated version of the french original) would give you more insight and depth to the main character, of which I love, Erik.

The book raises some important questions, most crucial would be, does appearance play an important part when it comes to love?

Now, if you haven't guessed by now, I am a hopeless romantic. And since I am in love with THE PHANTOM anyway, of course looks do not matter to me. I should picture myself in Christine's shoes, haunted by the mysterious gorgeous voice that sings beautifully in my ear every waking hour. *sigh

But, really. How do you measure your love for a person? By the look of her cute lopsided smile? His beautiful soulful eyes? Or through the feel of her hand in yours? His heartwarming crooning voice? If we measure love mainly on the physical aspects, then no wonder phantoms never knew love.

So what do you call it then? Say you've never seen her in person, but you know her for herself, and she's every strength you wish for in someone you could love and be loved by. What if he's not exactly what you would call, prince charming, but possess the qualities that made mere physical features seem irrelevant. Perhaps in his emotional toughness and the will to make things happen. Would you call it nothing?

So what do you call it then? When the mere knowledge of his presence, even if it transcends physical and proximity, fills you with enormous pleasure. Every kind word uttered, harsh truth spewed upon the moment, by her and nobody else, seem to echo and resonate every time your thoughts creep on her. Is that nothing?

I could safely say that I would fall for the phantom of the opera and if I were Christine, I would have been happy with him. Even if it seems like pity over him being loveless, this portrayal of compassion should illustrate the idea of unconditional love. To love somebody without asking anything in return, or even needing anything in return, save for that love that brings me joy.

Why? Because I understand him in a way. He was a genius, should angels make the most beautiful sound, he would sing like one. He was an architect, a composer, he made things with his own hands. He had risen above his poor upbringing, to become somebody who would accomplished his goals. Ruthless and calculative, passionate and headstrong. And the only think he was lacking of was someone to share his life with. Nobody was able to look beyond his deformity, despite the genius in him. And that, my dear friends, is a tragedy.

I don't blame him for resulting into violence, perhaps it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Someone with a monstrous face should also have the heart of a monster or perhaps even be heartless. Why not live up to people's expectations for once. Why should he be kind, when nobody has ever shown him what kindness means? Alas, all he ever wanted was someone to love him for himself and nothing more.

My tears were streaming down my cheeks towards the end of the book. I cried for Erik and for all the love I could have for him, given the chance. I cried for my bitterness and for this never-ending search to be loved for myself. I cried because there's nothing more appropriate than to flush out the accumulated frustration.

Anyway, this is a song that I'm working on and it began with the end of Erik.

Here I am, my darling
Why did you turn away
My throat is dry
there's nothing left to say

I'd give you anything
as long as it would bring
water to my lips
your love on my ring

don't say you don't need me
cause' darling, I've known
you want me to leave you
but I won't let go
someday you will learn
to point out the signs
so pour me your love
since you've drunk all of mine

Here I am, my darling
my heart cut in half
rid me of this thirst
love me for myself

I've given you everything
what more do you need?
do not resist me
just follow my lead

don't say you don't need me
cause' darling, I've known
you want me to leave you
but I won't let go
someday you will learn
to point out the signs
so pour me your love
since you've drunk all of mine

It's funny that some people don't see that love should be blind.

Photo courtesy of aboutthelettera.com

q for questions

2008-03-09T21:53:00.003+08:00

My dearest, are you there?

Did I ever thank you properly?
You're asking me what for?
Are you telling me you don't know?
So what was all this while for?

Are explanations ever really necessary?
You are taking pleasure in this, aren't you?
Does being less honest and see-through work?
Would it make any difference to either me or you?

Why do you think it's best not to think too much?
What else is there to do besides finding out answers?
Do you think I will run out of questions?
Are you tired of giving me your answers?

How long will these questions last?
Does forever really exist as they often say?
Or must we unlearn how to tell the time?
Will you tell me how, what do you say?

y for you

2008-03-05T05:43:00.005+08:00

maybe

it's late and all is quiet
you're late and I am tired
it's cold and I am trembling
you're cold and this is troubling

maybe you're not really coming

I should have learned
not to make
the same mistake
but you
know that I would risk it
for you
in time you'll be
on your way
be led astray
but I
know that I'll be waiting
for you

it's sad but I won't cry
I'm sad cause' this is dry
it's fine though it's not fair
I'm fine so long as you're there

maybe I should leave you alone

I should have learned
not to make
the same mistake
but you
know that I would risk it
for you
in time you'll be
on your way
be led astray
but I
know that I'll be waiting
for you

Words and music by Ana Raffali (anaraffali muzik ent.)

Photo courtesy of aboutthelettera.com

s for sushi

2008-02-23T00:14:00.006+08:00

I cannot resist the call of sushi. Even though I'm full from lunching with a full plate of rice and the usual favorites (ikan keli goreng garing and gulai masak lemak cili padi), given the opportunity to eat sushi, I'd grab at it with an open mouth.

I love sushi-eing with my pals. I just love the lightness and casual approach of consuming sushi. I can be a real p*g sometimes when it comes to food. Well, I love to eat, what else is there to say?

Eating heavy food like a piece of steak would require deft skills and patience with the cutlery. The chiming sounds I make occasionally while devouring the meat is horribly annoying. On the other hand, I find eating rice with dishes using fork and spoon diminishes its homely appeal. I always prefer eating food with my (constantly clean in an almost OCD style) hand as it provides a more fulfilling multi-sensory experience, as well as the chance of being romanticized as unsophisticated and barbaric by my western friends.

But there is no conflict when it comes to sushi. I'm most comfortable with it. I could never resist the delightfully simple and unpretentious taste of the kanikama maki (crabstick). And I can pick up a big piece of tuna-mayo (another favorite although I had never seen or eaten one while I was in Tokyo) and it'll disappear into my mouth in one go. I probably would scare off guys with my whole-some approach to food, but who needs 'em anyway when you have the good stuff.

v for valentino

2008-02-17T21:46:00.004+08:00

I love Valentino Rossi. He's the most awesome motorcycle racer in the world as well as my obsession at one point of time in my life. I adored him so much that I made my relationship with a particular guy difficult just because I placed Valentino on the top of my list instead of him. Hahaha.. [insert appropriate adjective here] old times.

(But you have nothing to worry about, because you are definitely on my list.)

Since we're in the letter, lets talk about v for valentine. Post-valentine's day saw me at Fiescanto Cafe, singing my heart out with my Johney accompanied by my awesome guitarist friend, Aidit.

Photo by aboutthelettera.com

I sang about 9 songs, pretty crazy if you ask me. Good thing my songs are devoid of any guitar solos and long riffs. Well, we were given 45 minutes to take over the stage. And 45 minutes is a long time.

I was extremely nervous prior to the performance. I have no idea why. It's not like I've never performed my songs in public before. I guess it's part of what to be expected before shows, the excitement. But once I got up there and sing, I just start settling down and relax.

(Abg) Ahmad, my friend who's practically part of my family, was the first one to perform. He covered a number of well-loved songs with his sister, Naya--on the mic, as well as some of Naya's originals. This guy is awesome, one of the guys in my list of people with fingers I would like to break.

Before ending his set, he invited me to sing an old song of mine that kinda started to convince me that I could actually write songs, even if I don't know the rules. He played it so wonderfully with a bit of his own twist to make it sound more complete. I think it was around this time that I stopped having cockroaches in my tummy (cuz it's hard to imagine butterflies being nasty).

And then it was my turn to pick up Johney. I had a little chat with the crowd and introduced the first song, Lovely Lovely Scene. Now, I had a good vibe with this song, because my friend is an awesome guitarist and so I only had to play during the chorus. But when it was 'the' chorus, I realized that (and trying hard not to panic) that my Johney wasn't plug in! What a way to start..

Here's a recording of the show taken by one of my best buddies, Amir.

Yup, it was pretty embarrassing. But I'd like to think that I redeem myself with the next song.

I would have shared with you the entire set, if my camera didn't run out of battery. Yup, silly me forgot to charge the camera before the show. Well, what do you expect? There would be no point in recording it in the first place if I didn't make sure that we sounded decent enough.

But what I can say is, it was a blast. Thank you to Bok and Fiescanto Cafe for the delicious food and opportunity to express my thoughts in sounds to all of you, my friends who were curious enough to make sure that I could actually sing and the rest who makes sure that I would never stop. It was indeed something to remember.

Thank you still, to all of those who would have been there if they could. I'm gonna make sure that we recreate the moment and have it recorded just for you.

f for food

2008-02-10T06:02:00.001+08:00

Name:
Acoustic Night
Host:
Fiescanto Café
Time and Place
Start Time:
Friday, February 15, 2008 at 8:00pm
End Time:
Saturday, February 16, 2008 at 12:00am
Location:
Fiescanto Cafe
Street:
20 Jln Badminton 13/29 Seksyen 13
City/Town:
Shah Alam, Malaysia
Contact Info
Phone:
012.306.1897
Email:
fiescanto@hotmail.com

Description
Fiescanto Cafe presents "FIRST NIGHT OUTSIDE" The place to be for a new lifestyle. Fiescanto Cafe will be organizing an acoustic night show featuring Ana Raffali, Fikri Fadzil, Bok Mounard & Ahmad Zafrullah. Enjoy the live acoustic tunes while having BBQ at RM 25 per pax at Fiescanto Cafe. Lucky draws and games will be held during the show. Hope to see you there.

Acoustic Night “First Night Outside” is a project organized by Fiescanto Café in order to catch the eye of onlookers to promote the café to be recognizable in the eye of the public. The event purpose is to gather youngsters and teenagers and as well as music lovers to gather and enjoy the sounds of acoustic while dining at the café.

The event will be highlighted by performances from Fikri Fadzil known from the band (Blister) and also from the Malaysian hit series (KAMI), he is also famously known for his hit entitled “UNKNOWN”. Ana Raffali a new star to the music scene over 100,000 hits over youtube.com for her own arranged and composed songs. She is internationally known throughout youtube.com, a new star to rise for sure. Ahmad Zafrullah an engineer by profession a musician for life. Enough said. Mohamed Bukhari Murad (Bok Mounard) a performance by the owner of the café just to earn a bit of recognition.

The event also will provide BBQ during the night at RM 25.00 per person ranging from variety of food. Games and lucky draws will be held during the night for patrons to mingle with each other. See you there.

Taken from this.

Well, here it is. My first singing performance with my name featured on the poster. I'm so excited and frankly speaking, as nervous as ever. ;p I will be singing my own songs so I'm not that worried about butchering it in the best way.

So far, the setlist is

Lovely lovely scene
Masih
Hujan Bunga di KL
Small Heart
Ghost

and two new songs;

Sepasang Sudu
Gelas Kaca

So, do come and be a part of this. We'll make it special!!!

p/s: And the food in the cafe is damm delicious too...

h for honesty

2008-02-10T03:51:00.000+08:00

Thanks, h for Husni for suggesting the letter.

hon·es·ty [ónnəstee]

(plural hon·es·ties)

noun

1.	moral uprightness: the quality, condition, or characteristic of being fair, truthful, and morally upright
2.	truthfulness: truthfulness, candor, or sincerity In all honesty, I really didn't know.
3.	plant: a hardy plant with flat silvery seed pods that are often used for indoor decoration. Flowers: purplish or white. Native to: Europe. Latin name: Lunaria annua

It's rare these days to find people who are able to exercise honesty to its fullest. Even the simplest act of being honest with oneself is a rarity to some people. As for me, I've always tried to be truthful, at the very least in regards to what matters and what would matter to me and to the people that I care about.

This blog here is an example of such effort to stay in touch with this principle. I know for a fact that not only does this blog is being read by my beloved siblings and dearest friends, occasional and random strangers are open to view, read and hopefully understand my thoughts and biased opinions on things. It's something that I hope I would be able to keep up for it's true that this is a therapeutic process.

Supposedly, being honest should be the easiest thing to do. Just don't lie or pretend. But, I believe it's rather more complicated than that. One can not lie and still be dishonest. The mere act of withholding information or simply not telling could be considered a sneaky way of not being sincere or open.

But what happens if some people that one associates with could not handle the truth? Should one continue with not revealing such truth that would hurt them? What about the mere understanding of truth between two people without having to speak it out or put a voice to it? Should one speak up assuming that it's the right thing to do and risking the kind of comfortable silence they have acquired? And what if there's nothing to talk about or no truth worth sharing? Should one force it anyway?

And this is me being honest.

There's only one person on this entire universe that I am able to be as brutally honest as I am. And that person knows it too. With him, I am the clearest and bluest sky with no room for dark clouds. He's my moon, my drug, wearing a piece of my soul.

But to the rest; I'm afraid I cannot offer any apologies since I'm unable to feel sorry for the inability to share it all, to include you in everything. Suppose it's my character flaw. The only thing I can guarantee you is the honesty in this blog and the honesty in my songs. I suppose that's partly the reason why I am shy about my music, for all of them are written from my personal experience with a special story or intention tied to them.

Please don't get me wrong, it's not that I am unable to be honest as a whole in person. I am being honest with myself in the fact that this is what I want. I prefer to choose the kind of honesty, or in other words, the parts of me that is worth sharing, and push aside the unnecessary. And I've always appreciate such and the understanding from those around me.

Come to think of it, I guess I'm partly responsible for making honesty a little complicated. But, I suppose that's just me. ;p

which letter?

2008-02-07T04:37:00.001+08:00

Hello,
Give me a letter to blog about, please. I'm stumped and lazy.

Thanks!

ms. ana

c for cats

2008-01-31T02:58:00.000+08:00

I am a cat person. I loooove cats, I could relate to them really. They are fiercely loyal and affectionate. I think if I was an animal, I'd be a cat. By nature, I am intensely curious.

I've been googling around to see whether my name is mentioned anywhere and I was pleasantly surprised to find out that a number of people have been kind enough to write some rather nice and encouraging comments, be it in their fotopages or blogs. I have compiled a few links and would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone for taking interest in my music. You are too kind and I really do appreciate the support. ;D

YouTube Profiles: Little Miss Ana (Musician) By: Michael Jung

The gem that is Malaysian By: SISUAHLAI

Pagi: Farid kawin, petang: rakan muda. 29122007 By: keriangandunia ikwan

Reka @ Layar Tanchap By: sifoo.com

Nightingale... By: doopy81

The Underground Music Scene By: Zalikha

Untitled Document By: webmaster@arcticbit.net

Meow meow..

l for love

2008-01-29T23:37:00.000+08:00

I LOVE music, it's an obsession. I don't think I could ever go a day without it. So, lately I've been given a huge share of it. Oh yessss.

Amir, one of my closest buddies, is in a hardcore band called "nostalgia". They were pretty awesome. I never imagined my friend to be so rockstarish on stage. It was a pleasant surprise really.

Estranged is one of my favorite local rock bands. And they are a pretty nice bunch of people in person too. They pulled off a great show during the finals of the anugerah juara lagu. Rich started the song slow on the acoustic, enunciating every word with honesty, setting the mood or emotion for the song. And then wham! they hit it off only to come back again slow and picking it up from there. Oh and the strings added a lovely warm feel to it. Nice nice nice.

Radiostar, my mentoring band, had a live recording session for a radio station the other day. I got the opportunity to sing the duet titled "Hanya Milik Dia". I sooooo love this song. The band is rather awe-inspiring. I had loads of fun jamming with them.

I went to this gig a couple of weeks back to catch this super sweet band called lightcraft. They were (and are) awesome. They opened their set with "those beautiful shapes" that happens to be my favorite track in the soon-to-be-out 2nd EP. Those guys really know how to pull at my tender heartstrings.

My friend, Islah is in this band called Sonar. He taught me some interesting bits on the guitar, pretty cool. Here is a song he wrote;

m for music

2008-01-25T11:42:00.004+08:00

I don't remember exactly how I started writing my first song, or what my first song sounded like either. But I don't think I'll ever forget why I write and its significance in my life.

My songwriting process falls into;
1) words on paper first, then melody. E.g. Small Hearts, Paint Me etc.
2) melody first, then words. E.g. Hujan Bunga... Masih, Lovely lovely... etc.
3) both together. E.g. Dan ku biarkan... Ghost, etc.

I find myself more attached or driven to (3) as it gives off a sense of destiny to whatever it is that comes out of my mouth in song. But I do take pride in (1) since they are more thought out and purposeful, each word in each line is there for a reason maybe only I am aware of.

I suppose the most important thing for me in writing songs is my intention. I used to be very shy in sharing my songs since they are actual pieces of my thoughts and day dreams that I wish to preserve and express in words. Hoping that once they take shape and take flight in beautiful melodies, I can reconnect with them anytime, anywhere I want.

Of course, it's rather scary to place your heart out in the open for others to prod and dissect. But, it's actually how I deal with stuff and the issues in my life. Music is my plastic surgeon, it's how I take care of old wounds. Instead of them leaving scars, I have songs to remind me that I am human after all.

And to have people coming up to me and share how the songs make them feel or reminded them of something dear is like sugar down with the bitter pill. I could never thank these people enough for taking the time to let me know how I have made even the smallest of impacts in their lives.

I'm all about being honest really. The words to my songs are actual thoughts in my head given form and function. Just two days ago, I wrote a song about a stranger I met while riding the LRT. He was standing next to me, I didn't exactly see his face but I sense his presence. A kind of attraction coated in an aura of strange familiarity. Every inch of me screams for the will to just turn and look him in the face and smile, if not to breathe out a hi. But, I didn't. I just couldn't.

So all throughout the train ride, I only steal glances at him through the glass window. Like standing outside an ice-cream shop and drooling over that tasty treat, knowing that you've already burst your budget on books, wishing that you didn't.

And only too soon, I had to leave for my stop. As I board off the train, I just knew that I want to remember this sense of loss and stupidity in a song. I just knew it in my heart that this had to be.

It took me four months and another experience to lure the song out. I realize that although the two situations are different, the message was clear.

Gelas Kaca

Dari jauh ku lihat dia bagai berdiri di balik gelas kaca.
Mengintai setiap gerak halusnya cukup untuk buat ku leka.
Selagi kedengaran bunyi guruh, selama itu khayalku berlabuh.

Alangkah eloknya, jika aku menjadi raja waktu.
Akan ku himpun masa untuk dia mengenali aku.

Dari jauh ku lihat dia bagai berdiri di balik gelas kaca.
Mengharap setiap detik merangkak sempat untuk buatnya sedar.
Selama kedengaran bunyi guruh, sepanjang itu hatiku pun luruh.

Alangkah eloknya, jika aku menjadi raja waktu.
Akan ku himpun masa untuk dia mengenali aku.

Dari jauh ku lihat dia bagai berdiri di balik gelas kaca.
Menyusun setiap langkah kecewa hampa saat meninggalkannya.

I'm doing the hudson on my own song. ;p

Glass Window

I watched him from afar as if I was standing behind a dark glass. Mesmerized by each tender move that I saw in secret.
As long as I hear thunder, all the while my thoughts would fly.

Wouldn't it be nice if I was the ruler of time?
I would gather just enough for him to get to know me.

I watched him from afar as if I was standing behind a dark glass.
Hoping that each second would crawl, giving more time for him to realize.
All the while I heard thunder, my heart was collapsing.

Wouldn't it be nice if I was the ruler of time?
I would gather just enough for him to get to know me.

I watched him from afar as if I was standing behind a dark glass.
Arranging each disappointed steps, my heart was breaking as I left him.

Haha.. True story.

EDITED: 040308

Tingkap Kaca

Dari jauh ku lihat dia bagai berdiri di balik tingkap kaca.
Mengintai setiap gerak halusnya cukup untuk buat ku leka.
Selagi kedengaran bunyi guruh, selama itu khayalku berlabuh.

Alangkah eloknya, jika aku menjadi raja waktu.
Akan ku himpun masa untuk dia mengenali aku.

Dari jauh ku lihat dia bagai berdiri di balik tingkap kaca.
Mengharap setiap detik merangkak sempat untuk buatnya sedar.
Selama kedengaran bunyi guruh, sepanjang itu hatiku pun luruh.

Alangkah eloknya, jika aku menjadi raja waktu.
Akan ku himpun masa untuk dia mengenali aku.

Words and music by Ana Raffali (anaraffali muzik ent.)

d for dark chocolates

2008-01-24T22:30:00.000+08:00

If there’s anything in this world that I do believe (wholeheartedly) contain a bit of magic that would be Beryl’s Black Bitter Chocolate.

I was having a rather difficult day today, despite the fun that I had in class with the kids. Let’s just say, I am disenchanted. I waited and waited for the moon to fall into my lap, but he was fast asleep all day, naturally.

So, what does little Ms. Ana do to cheer herself up?

Apart from grabbing Mr. Johney Honey, the love of her life, she devours Mr. Beryl Black and swallows Mr. Sparkling Ribena, her constant lovers.

And they work wonders, I’m telling you. I am willing to let everything slide, to have the spell put back on me in full. To forgive (although maybe not forget entirely) and forgo my sense of self-importance.

If only the moon really wanted to fall into my lap in the first place. If only the moon would just give me a call.

Yup, Beryl’s Black Bitter Chocolate works wonders, and wonders may not necessarily be good for your mental health.

z for zoo

2008-01-22T03:06:00.000+08:00

"do you know zoo negara?"

That's my default question in giving directions to my house. I'm not bad with directions, I'm just lousy at providing them. This could be because I don't drive, thus I take the streets for granted.

I had a dream that I went to the zoo, at least that's where I think I was.

zoo [zoo]

(plural zoos)

noun

1.	park displaying live animals in enclosures: a park where live wild animals from different parts of the world are kept in cages or enclosures for people to come and see, and where they are bred and studied by scientists
2.	chaotic place: a place characterized as being full of noisy obstreperous people creating confusion and disorder (informal)

[Mid-19th century. Shortening of zoological garden ]

Come to think of it, most of my dreams tend to revolve around no2.

j for johney

2008-01-20T13:29:00.000+08:00

Johney, my honey
the white in my lies
the black in my beryl
the blue in my skies

Johney, my honey
the twitch in my hurt
the breath in my sigh
the truth in my word

Johney, my honey
the tears in my drought
the sting in my bite
the stain in my doubt

Johney, my honey
the gleam in my moon
the shade in my shadow
the shine in my spoon

Johney, my honey

[this could go on forever actually...]

w for waves

2008-01-20T00:50:00.000+08:00

My sister, Jannah has been making waves through her blog by her rather courageous effort in writing about a wrong to right the wrong. I have made my opinions on the matter numerous times in various occasions. Perhaps it's time to take it home.

I personally think that Ms. (Datin) Natasha Hudson should have just kept mum about this, delete her blog earlier and quietly leave the country for a few odd years and all of this might possibly die out like crocs in the concrete jungle.

Instead she chose to deny her wrongs and furthermore inciting our disapproval as well as insulting our intelligence by coming up with rather amusing and childish responses, in fact non of which could redeem her lost soul.

And up to this point, despite the waves that Ms. Jane is creating, Ms. Nat has yet to own up to her deplorable deed, come out clean and apologize like she means it. That would be the right thing to do, although it might not be the easiest.

I think we, the waves, have moved beyond doubting the truth in the allegations. Perhaps one thing to ponder on is how could one as beautiful as she, ended up doing something so ugly.

What we write or say in sincerity is an extension of our hearts, a reflection of our souls. That's why to bloggers, our writings mean the world to us. It is through decoding our thoughts in words that we are able to deal with our lives. We don't necessarily speak in all honesty all the time but even then what we write would still reflect if not who we are, at least who we aspire to become or part of us we chose to let die.

So it was rather painful to see something you know to be in its truest form be distorted into something else that, although would look pretty on paper, have lost its charm, character and intention. And even more hurting when the person who's responsible for the deed neglected the simplest awareness that the least you could do is to cite your sources. Sad, indeed.

I feel rather adventurous tonight, so I'm pulling a "natasha". Here's my take on A. Samad Said's Irama Rindu

Yearning Rhythm

Wind doesn't embrace messages
Lover doesn't reach out her hand
I'm dry from this burning yearn--
Years of yearning without song.

Night doesn't bring the moon
Lover doesn't worship love
I'm smashed by this nesting hurt--
Soured hurt throughout the years.

Why did Adam love Eve,
The same with Lela Majnun?
Why does my love for you, my dear,
has never been rained with flowers?

Would I become a hydrogen dirt
that doesn't recognize human affection?
Would you want me to be the devil
forgetting kindness, ambitions and love?

Isn't it so that knitted lives
bring peace and happiness forever?
Why won't you, my dear, accept
our hearts alongside each other?

The farthest distance of five continents
The highest hope towards seven skies
all of this would be near to me
once you, my dear, are willing to be one.

Kelana Jaya
January 20, 2008

Original;

Irama Rindu

Angin tidak memeluk pesan
kekasih tidak menghulurkan tangan
aku kering dibakar rindu--
rindu bertahun tidak berlagu.

Malam tidak membawa bulan
kekasih tidak menyembah sayang
aku remuk luka bersarang--
luka tercuka sepanjang zaman.

Mengapa Adam sayangkan Hawa,
Lela Majnun begitu juga?
Mengapa sayangku padamu adinda,
tidak pernah ditaburi bunga?

Bukankah hidup kait-mengait
membawa abadi aman dan bahagia?
Mengapa adinda tidak terima
hati kita berganding sama?

Lima benua jauh perjalanan
tujuh langit tinggi harapan
semua ini dekat padaku
bila adinda rela bersatu.

Singapura
12 Oktober 1954

Pak Samad rocks!! So don't let the waves consume you, just ride with it.

b for boys

2008-01-18T09:34:00.000+08:00

I haven't seen my best buddy for more than two years. Azlan was my team mate during my highschool debating days. And now he's in med school and despite the change in his appearance (he used to part his hair to the side looking adorably geeky), I'd say he's still the Alan that I know.

I was pleasantly surprised to hear that he was seeing someone. Alan happens to be an idealistic pessimist. He told me, he has never taken his girl out on a date and that I was the first girl he has ever gone out with alone. And that worries him being the gentleman he is. But I assured him that we weren't on a date. Personally, Alan is too much of a friend for the thought to even cross my head. And I make it a point not to date friends, but that's another story.

"Why don't you take her out on dates?"

Being the pessimist that he is, he fears that if he were to go out with her and they are tremendously happy being with each other, it'll only be frustrating when they have to endure the wait of finally being together. Alan prefers to think negatively so that if he's already at the lowest low, there's nowhere else to go but up.

"That's very noble of you but you can't just think about the future. You have to make memories of now as wonderful as you can because little happiness is happiness all the same."

One thing I must credit him is the fact that he believes in a long-term relationship and he wants to do it right. Alan knows what he wants and he's willing to work for it.

I'm rather envious. Alan's girl has found the best person who loves her as much if not more. If only more boys grew up to be Alan, so sure and determined to be happy with the only one he loves. Alas, most boys only love to play at love.

I shared with Alan my side of this neverending story. I am weary. Tired of being in love with someone who's incapable of loving me. I have decided to take it as it is. I care about him but I don't want to care anymore if he cares about me. Somethings are just the way they are.

I realized that it has been more than a year since I actually went out on a date with a non-imaginary possibly hot-blooded guy. I was nervous and excited and clueless and kept on saying to myself, "Ana, what are you getting yourself into?" I have no answers, only plenty of questions. Although I appreciate frankness and honesty in people, I do understand that some just can't handle it. So I am left with keeping my mouth shut, painfully.

Being someone as expressive as I am, it is difficult to contain how I feel about certain topics. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. It should not take a guy long to know whether I like him, even quicker for the reverse.

Alan told me that it's easy to like a guy, but giving your heart to him should be tougher.

"This is your heart. If you're planning to give it to anyone, he has to prove that he knows how to care for it. It's like you can't give RM50 to just about anybody. You only give it to those you trust and know would put it to good use. Your heart is worth more than RM50, Ana."

If only more boys grew up to be Alan.

I'm an optimistic idealist/idealistic optimist. I believe in that elusive thing called true love. But, I can't live my life getting in and out of relationships in the hopes of it being it this time, everytime. That's why I don't date boys (or friends) anymore. I don't believe in picking out from the crowd and going with the flow. It's either "you're it and we'll make this work" or "you're not what I want, I'm sorry".

It must sound pretty dumb to some but that's just me. Like I said I'm weary and I don't play games, at least not the kind in mind.

So if you know what I want and you want the same, just say it. But if you're not sure, then stay away at a safe distance from this little ms. scorpion because she stings.

k for kites

2008-01-17T01:04:00.000+08:00

If I was a kite
I'll fly along the sky
I'll be red, big and bright
enough to catch your eye

But you won't ever see me, even though you try
For you are merely the mirror of the sun
And before the night wheels into day, I'll fly
while you, my moon are always on a run

If I was a kite
I'll fly along the sky
I'll swim into the night
Just to catch your eye

a for apples

2008-01-16T00:39:00.000+08:00

I used to be in love with a doctor. But I couldn't be with him. So I started eating an apple a day to keep him away. It didn't work, but I noticed that I had a healthier complexion. And fuji apples are the juiciest, tastiest, most scrumptious apple, I believe to be the king of all apples, at least in my heart. So, what did I do to ward off the doctor? Simply by never falling sick again.

alphabet soup of the day

2008-01-15T23:39:00.000+08:00

~~a for apples~~

~~b for boys~~

~~c for cats~~

~~d for dark chocolates~~

e for eggs

~~f for food~~

g for ghost

~~h for honesty~~

i for independence

~~j for johney~~

~~k for kites~~

~~l for love~~

~~m for music~~

n for nasi lemak

o for once

p for pictures

q for questions

r for random stalking

s for sushi

t for timing

u for ultraman

v for valentino

~~w for waves~~

x for x marks the spot

y for you

~~z for zoo~~

NOTE: Will write entries on the above topics.

Bukan Mekanika

2008-01-10T17:08:00.000+08:00

[Non-mechanical]

Dulu dunia jadi saksiku gila
[One time, the world was a witness to my insanity]
...
senyum bersedih, menangis gembira
[smile in sadness, cry in joy]
...
mujur aku ditampar sedar
[good thing I realized like a slap]
...
aku bukanlah sekadar mekanika
[I'm not merely mechanical]
...
yang senang kau pasang semula bila patah
[easy to reattach once broken]
...
yang mudah kau baiki bila goyah
[easy to fix when unstable]

dulu kau bisik janji tanpa makna
[One time, you whispered empty promises]
...
hanya hanyut dalam harapan semesta
[just drifting in a universe of hope]
...
dan akhirnya kau dihimpit rasa
[and finally you're crushed by your senses]
...
hatimu bukan sekadar mekanika
[your heart is not merely mechanical]

yang senang kau pasang semula bila patah
[easy to reattach once broken]
...
yang mudah kau baiki bila goyah
[easy to fix when unstable]

Dulu dunia jadi saksiku gila
[One time, the world was a witness to my insanity]
...
minum air mata, makan lagu cinta
[drinking tears, eating love songs]
...
mujur aku ditampar sedar
[good thing I realized like a slap]
...
aku bukanlah sekadar mekanika
[I'm not merely mechanical]

Perlu

2008-01-07T22:33:00.000+08:00

Perlu
[need]

Hari dia lafazkan
[the day he said]

tidak cintakan aku lagi
[he didn’t love me anymore]

kau pun mati
[you died]

habis manis campakkan
[discard when the sweetness is gone]

tinggallah kesan aku pasti
[leaving traces I’m sure]

kau pun mati
[you died]

kini ku sendiri
[now I’m alone]

cinta hadir dan lari
[love walks in and runs away]

aku masih disini
[I’m still here]

cinta hadir dan lari
[love walks in and runs away]

aku masih disini
[I’m still here]

cinta ku perlukanmu lagi
[love you are needed still]

hatiku yang kau tawan
[my heart imprisoned by you]

kau lepaskan ia pergi
[has been set free]

kau pun mati
[you died]

halang semua kenangan
[curb all memories]

hapus harapan aku bila
[my hopes destroyed when]

kau pun mati
[you died]

cinta hadir dan lari
[love walks in and runs away]

aku masih disini
[I’m still here]

cinta hadir dan lari
[love walks in and runs away]

aku masih disini
[I’m still here]

cinta ku perlukanmu lagi
[love you are needed still]

cinta ku perlukanmu lagi
[love you are needed still]

cinta ku perlukanmu lagi
[love you are needed still]

cinta ku perlukanmu lagi
[love you are needed still]

cinta ku perlukanmu lagi
[love you are needed still]

head games

2007-12-28T01:14:00.004+08:00

The probability of you falling for me is zero or one. If I'm into sadomasochistic head games then what we're doing is sooo much fun. Every time you're around, I can't move away. I'll be there still. I'll find myself fall for you, again and again, crushing my will.

I am a mess. I am depressed from missing you like I do. I am distressed. I am obsessed with making you want me too.

The possibility of me letting you leave is rather far-fetched. If you're into sadomasochistic head games then you should know that we're perfectly matched. Every time you turned me down, I won't walk away, despite your goodwill. You'll find your self worth sucked dry, again and again. Enjoy the thrill.

I am a mess. I am depressed from missing you like I do. I am distressed. I am obsessed with making you want me too.

This doesn't make sense. I'm already dense from figuring you out like I do. I am a mess. I am obsessed with wanting you.

Words and music by Ana Raffali (anaraffali muzik ent.)

UPDATED : 26/2/08

Little Things That Keep Me Happy 1

2007-12-27T02:01:00.000+08:00

Apart from making music and playing the guitar. There are a number of things I love to do that keep me sane and happy.

1) Eating out with close friends

I asked a guy that I kinda like out for ice-cream the other day. He turned me down. It was the first time that I actually had the nerve to ask someone I didn't know that well but liked out for anything. I mean he was being polite and all and saying that he had a lot of things to do before he had to leave the country for a couple of weeks on that particular day that I asked him. But, honestly, I was mightily disappointed. Promised myself never to do it again, ever. Funnily, he sorted out the problem by saying that he would ask me out when he returns. It should be a relief.

But, I was still kinda disappointed. So, I decided on food therapy. I went to Sushi King with two of my good pals. Man, it was reeaaallly good. I totally forgot about what I was so upset about and had an awesome time catching up on stuff since I've been away from the two for quite some time. Icky's my band mate and he's been busy with a play while Faizah's my roomie and she's been doing her practicum teaching near her hometown. I didn't get to eat ice-cream anyway but we played a little game with a watermelon sherbet. Each of us had to share the latest juicy news before eating a spoonful of the gloriously rich delicious sherbet.

2) Playing with my nephews

I went out with my brother to get something special for our nephews. That something special was a box of oil pastels (48 colors) and two sketchbooks. My nephews are kinda banned from buying or getting toys for any occasion since they have tonnes of that already. And knowing that 4 year old Nabil is developing an interest in drawing and 3 year old Aidil, an interest in anything that interests his brother, it was only natural for us to get them something like that. I mean, the idea was mine really. I've always been a fan of oil pastels although I could not draw anything decent at all. And to acquire a box of oil pastels with as many colors as was marketable and possible, was a childhood dream come true.

So Auntie Ana became the dreamcolor master. To see the look of delight in my nephews' faces was simply wonderful. I sat with them as they draw and gave suggestions as to which color to use. I am rather impressed with Nabil's progress, if you have read a previous entry about him drawing you would know that he has grown a lot in terms of his ability to compose a picture. And it really makes me feel so proud to see my influence in the way he draws the dead tree. He was rather proud of it too.

Top 10 Favorites

2007-12-21T01:54:00.002+08:00

Songs with yummy voices

Matthew Bellamy (MUSE) - Falling Away with You
Mathieu Bauer - Again
Ken Christianson - Pornographic Audio
JR Richards (Dishwalla) - Surrender the Crown
Daniel Johns (silverchair) - Reflections of A Sound
Even Johansen (Magnet) - Nothing Hurts Now
Jason Mraz - Mr. Curiosity
John Mayer - 3x5
Damien Rice - Cannonball
Thom Yorke (Radiohead) - All I Need

How I envy those girls who get to listen to these voices every single day..

This is (a new song)

2007-12-17T04:46:00.001+08:00

This is
not bizarre.
It's just is
like some things are.

Take your empty hand
and fill it with mine.
And every other thing
will be just fine.

cuz

This is
what we need.
Not a promise
but proof of creed.

Take your childish dreams
and share it with me.
And every single thing
we'll make them be.

cuz

This is what I want
This is what I need from you
I want what I want
I want what I need, it's you.

Take my hungry mouth
and feed it with your love.
And every other thing
will be enough.

cuz

This is what I want
This is what I need from you
I want what I want
I want what I need, it's you.

Words and music by Ana Raffali (anaraffali muzik ent.)

Music Weekend

2007-12-17T02:21:00.000+08:00

A weekend of music. Being sick has never been more fun.

I had a terrible flu on Saturday. Had to miss a gig I was really looking forward on. Once I was feeling a little better, I decided to meet up my jamming friends for some music therapy. I dragged Jannah along who was only too happy to accompany me.

But we didn't get to jam anyway since we couldn't get hold of my guitarist. So Jannah and I along with my friend Islah went to the Curve instead. There wasn't anything special going on but we kinda made it special by hanging out by the walkway and playing the guitar like nobody's business. I played a few songs, Islah played a few songs, but the best part was when he showed me some tricks on the guitar. It dawned on me that I might end up like the female version of John Mayer if I really set my heart on it. ;p

I bought my first guitar in December of 2003. I remembered that it was raining when we stubbornly marched our way to the store that sells guitars, Faizah and I. You see, we made a deal that since I was too poor to afford a guitar on my own, Faizah was willing to chip in her money for joint custody. She kept the receipt for some time until I was able to pay her back in full. With our limited knowledge on guitars, we picked based upon what looked good to us. So we got fortie6, an inexpensive blue acoustic Omeya guitar with a cutaway.

I didn't have anybody that could teach me how to play so I acquired the basic knowledge of chords through books on my own. I was frustrated with trying to play other people's songs and failing miserably so I ended up writing my own songs so I could play the guitar anyway. I understand now that my inability and impatience in learning other songs impede on the development of my guitar playing skills.

But I wasn't really passionate about guitars or singing. I do it occasionally, jamming as often as I could, juggling it with other activities like debating and school. And it wasn't until I went to Japan that I rediscovered my passion for music.

I bought my second guitar, Johney Honey after watching a John Mayer concert in Ebisu Hall in Tokyo. I was inspired to play again not so much by Mr. Mayer but really through having Japanese friends who are really passionate about music and would bring their guitars along wherever they go and play them whenever they can. And of course, there was Jeff, my lecturer as well as guitar hero who taught me a lot and moved me to sing my heart out.

Top this with a certain muse that came into play around the same time and I became everything that I am now. Just a girl in love with her guitar, wishing that she could express her thoughts and ideas and wicked dreams to those who are willing to listen and be inspired. I am grateful to be surrounded by people who shares the same love and ideas as I do when it comes to music. Even more when they are able to inspire me.

MySpace Music

2007-12-14T05:18:00.000+08:00

Well, I was going to sign-up sooner or later.

Ana Raffali on MySpace

i know

2007-11-30T19:47:00.001+08:00

For .......

you might be fooling yourself if you think you can fool me
I know all of your tricks
I have read your story
I know you'd love to love
you're just afraid to

you might be changing yourself if you think you can change me
I know the one you want
I am what you see
I know you'd love to love
you're just afraid to

give it up
stop sabotaging us
we could last
remain steadfast
it's no use
your heart wants it to
we'll pull through
we always do

i know

photo by aboutthelettera.com

Nothing I can think of

2007-11-26T01:03:00.000+08:00

I can beg. I can crawl. I can climb. I can fall. But I cannot make you love me.

I can sing. I can write. I can kiss. I can bite. But I cannot make you love me.

I can cry. I can scream. I can tease. I can dream. But I cannot make you love me.

I can hide. I can chase. I can turn. I can face. But I cannot make you love me.

I can give. I can fake. I can freeze. I can break. But I cannot make you love me.

I can run. I can stay. I can wish. I can pray. But I cannot make you love me.

And there’s nothing I can think of that I can do about that.

Without me

2007-11-19T02:26:00.000+08:00

Did I ask for that my lovesick king?
I stuffed my fear inside you.
Everything you’ve done, you’ve done for yourself.
I move to run for my soul.

I bid so long, you’ve chased this far.
My eyes can be confused just as I have been amused.
Should you still believe in me?
Should you stop?

Live with my shattered dreams.
Love with my broken heart.
You can live without me.

picture me

2007-11-17T01:54:00.000+08:00

I took this picture quiz on facebook. Basically, you are asked to choose one among a set of pictures to describe or symbolize the words given. I made my selection and here is the result;

Temperament

Idealist

You are the quintessential dreamer - spending more time thinking about the possibilities that the world holds for you, rather than your reality. You don't settle for anything less than what you truly desire and you work very hard. You tend to live in every place except the present - you are prone to daydreaming about the future and re-thinking the choices you made in the past. Sometimes you get overly caught up in your thoughts.

Interests

Simple

You are continually pursuing a simpler and less complicated life - you don't allow yourself to fall victim to all of the "should do's" that society continually bombards you with. You are thoughtful about your life choices and think in terms of yourself, others and the world in which we live. You have a great sense that we are part of something much bigger and we must be good to others, if we want others and the world to be good to us.

Amusement

Adventurous

It's a good thing that you are filled with energy and ambitions (that others sometimes find exhausting) because you're continually looking for a new adventure and exciting experience. You struggle with a continual feeling of restlessness which constantly pushes you to the next level of excitement. Once you have accomplished one thing, you are eager to accomplish something more exciting, riskier and distinguishable.

Passion

Physical

You are a cuddle bug - from a warm hug shared with your best friend to steamy sex with your partner, you enjoy every bit of human contact that you can get. You demonstrate your love for others most fluidly through physical one-on-one contact and you feel the most loved when you are being touched. You feel disconnected when you are physically isolated from others. You're a people person and a lover of all things human.

I've always been idealistic, I suppose. And I would never settle for anything less than what I thought I deserve. ;p

My mom always tells me to be a good girl. That's why I would treat people kindly as I would want them to treat me. ;)

Well, I am spontaneous and tend to think on my feet when it comes to making intuitive decisions (not really sure what that means).

I suppose since I'm expressive and all, that should be understandable. I love hugs. ;)

one of those ridiculous dreams (again)

2007-11-16T00:50:00.000+08:00

I had one of the most ridiculous dreams again.

I was married to this young feudal lord of futuristic times. I can't remember exactly how or who he looked like but I'm pretty damn sure he had a nice military bod with a winsome smile. I must have been in love with him to be married and worse to be sharing him with another girl (in holy matrimony) who was younger than my 22, perhaps she was 16-17.

I bet most guys would love to hear whether this dream involves a threesome of which a descriptive account would be most welcomed. Unfortunately for both me and you, it was devoid of any sexually explicit content. I don't think dear hubby got any scenes of which he managed to exercise his marital rights to either one of us, probably since it's my dream anyway and I of course despise having to share my man in bed. I guess the focus was more on the emotional ties between this love triangle.

From what I could remember, it was a decent existence. I busied myself with running the household, the child busied herself with matters I'm not concerned with, the idiot (for any guy who won't settle for one is an idiot) busied himself with his feudalistic duties. In time I realized the nature of our relationship, Man + Me = Lovers; Me + Girl = Friends; Girl + Man = Friends and lovers.

I noticed how close Man was to Girl, and despite my jealous streak I was okay with it. Like I understood that Man needed Girl whatever his reasons may be, and at the same time he needed me too. And my dream person needed him more so that was why I could accept the arrangement. There's this saying, "Don't marry the person you can live with, marry the person you can't live without".

I was pondering on the significance of this dream when I realize that perhaps it's not so much of the physical presence of this Girl in our (dream) lives, but more of the emotional effect it has over me. Which is, surprisingly, not really a bother at all. I wasn't angry or griping over the injustice of having to share, in fact I was just living with it, treating him with as much love as I was willing to give and at the same time acknowledging this other Girl as being important to him possibly even more than I could ever be.

But what makes this such a change from the usual unrequited love is the fact that, it is not unrequited. Man chose to be with me because of his love for me. Personally, this is all I need really. Someone I love dearly who loves me as much if not more, regardless of his emotional attachment to anyone else because what we have is really between just the two of us.

So, I'm okay with sharing as long as I can be with the person I love who loves me as well. But perhaps, this dream isn't really about me. Maybe it's a reflection of the person I think could deal with the worst of me, someone who understands my need for emotional attachment on old ghosts apart from him.

woodpecker

2007-11-15T05:36:00.000+08:00

I'm burning up, my body aches
I want to stay asleep for a whole year
Somewhere in my head a woodpecker says
I'm gonna make a neat little home here
Excellent choice I must insist
For my head is the safest place to be
No predator lurks within the mist
But if you could please don't pick on me
This is bad enough.

Tell Me by ANH Raffali Final Act (9)

2007-11-11T05:14:00.000+08:00

Act 9.

Scene : NURUL enters the living room with a bandaged/neck support. She sits down on the sofa, looks gloomy and distracted. Her phone rings. She almost jumps. She slowly looks at her phone. CASEY comes in. NURUL holds it up to her, gesturing, she gives the phone to her.

CASEY : Hello, auntie. Yes, we’re back… Yes, she’s here. She’s doing better. Doctor said… no, the virus shouldn’t be anymore fatal. But… the infection… her vocal cords had been paralyzed… No, I’m sorry… she can’t… Yes, they… it was much too late… it was so sudden. We didn’t even know. We thought it was just a normal flu… I’m… really sorry. I’m glad you’re coming soon… Sure, hold on a sec. She wants to talk to you.

(NURUL took the phone and starts to listen, eyes brimming with tears, she hands the phone back to CASEY who seems to be teary too. She scribbles something on a notepad and shows it to her.)

Yes, auntie… Of course, I will… Auntie, hold on a sec… Nurul wrote saying… she loves you… wants others to know she looks forward in getting get well gifts from everyone. (Laughs lightly.) Okay, I’ll see you soon… Bye…

(Suddenly the phone rings again.)

It’s Mikail. You want me to talk to him.

(She shakes her head hard, ‘no’)

But, you can’t just leave it like that. You have to let him know what happened.

(She scribbles something, ‘doesn’t have to know. wouldn’t make things any better’)

Why wouldn’t it make things any better?

(She scribbles something, ‘doesn’t change fact. can’t talk to him’)

Even if it doesn’t change the fact that you can’t speak, at least he’s there to offer comfort.

(She scribbles something, ‘like what?’)

I don’t know, he can make silly jokes to cheer you up.

(She scribbles something, ‘ha ha ha’)

Why are you being so pessimistic?

(She scribbles something, ‘why you so unrealistic?’)

What do you mean I’m being unrealistic?

(She scribbles something, ‘blind. mute. can’t read. can’t talk. How to communicate?’)

Well… you have me.

(She scribbles something, ‘wanna be C3PO?)

What the heck is a C3PO?

(She scribbles something, ‘sacrifice time echo my thoughts. no time for you’)

It’s not like you’ll be seeing him 24/7.

(She scribbles something, ‘not the point. don’t wanna be selfish anymore. better off thinking don’t need him. than knowing I do but impossible’)

Simpler way of saying it, please?

(She scribbles something, ‘can’t go back the way we were, gone, I’ve accepted’)

But why?

(She scribbles something, ‘can’t reach him anymore. What got us together is gone.’)

You mean your voice? (She nods.)

I think I get what you mean. He was there when you first sang in that open-stage. He couldn’t see you but you saw him, and your voice reached him. Your music brought the two of you together, it brought me and Joe to each other. And now that it’s gone, you don’t know how you’re going to get through to him.

(She nods and scribbles something, ‘Mikail taught me to be happy thankful with what I am. what I have. need your favor’)

Of course, I’ll help.

(She scribbles something, ‘can’t see him knowing how bad I feel.’)

I think I get what you mean. You don’t want him to know because you don’t want him to feel helpless. You don’t want to burden him with being powerless over this. (She nods.)

We won’t tell him.

(She mouths the word, ‘Thank you.’)

I can only guess what you must be feeling. Don’t lose hope, Nurul. We’ll sign you up for medical experiments or speech therapy or find dozens of other ways to talk to him. Pretty soon, he couldn’t even tell the difference.

(She scribbles something, ‘learn telepathy’)

That’s the spirit! Oh Nurul, are you going to be alright?

(She smiles softly, thoughtful.)

I can’t believe that something this horrible could happen. You had such a lovely voice. How easily it was taken away from you, no warning whatsoever. We didn’t even have the time to get your songs recorded. Now, it’s all gone, all gone.

(She scribbles something, ‘no it’s not. all in here’)

Where? (NURUL gestures to her head then to her heart.) You got your heart back?

(She gathers her hands to form a butterfly and draws them to the spot over her heart.)

Completely healed? (She nods. The sound of the doorbell escalates. CASEY ran off-stage.)

MIKAIL : May I speak to Nurul?

CASEY : Mikail, I… I have to check. Could you please wait here for a while?

MIKAIL : I don’t mind. (CASEY returns.)

CASEY : Nurul, he’s here, Mikail is here. What are we going to do? I know, I’ll tell him that you don’t have anything to say to him. But, if he wants he can just speak his mind. I’ll just let him in, he won’t ever know about your voice. Is that okay? (She nods. CASEY runs back off-stage and returns with MIKAIL.)

MIKAIL : I know she doesn’t want to talk to me, but she doesn’t have to say anything if she doesn’t want to, she could just listen while I do the talking.

CASEY : Suit yourself. (CASEY lingers.)

MIKAIL : Do you mind leaving us alone, Casey?

CASEY : (She looks pleadingly at NURUL, who gestures her to leave.) Alright. (She leaves reluctantly.)

MIKAIL : How have you been? … So, you’re really determined not to talk to me, are you? … Very well. I should start by telling you… how sorry I am… I didn’t know that I had taken you for granted, by not making it clear that… I’m with somebody else…

Remember we talked about fears. I thought I could overcome every fear in life, but I know now that I’m still scared of the things which are beyond my control. The truth is, I was selfish and afraid. I thought that if I didn’t say anything, it wouldn’t matter because it wasn’t important. What’s important was that we make the most out of the time we share together. I didn’t stop to think that you might not have the same ideas as I did…

I wanted us to always have that wonderful companionship. I thought being with someone else doesn’t mean that we can’t have that special bond that we had. But I was afraid that you might give it up, you might give me up if you knew and stop wanting to have anything to do with me. I was afraid that you won’t believe in what we have, you won’t believe that it was possible to feel that unconditional bond… I was selfish because I thought only of what I might lose, and that was you…

When you told me how you felt, I know exactly what you meant. We connect. If I had been more open to you, about my life, I think you wouldn’t have felt so betrayed, as if I purposely played you on… I care so much about you, Nurul. I love you… I know now that this love that I have for you is real for the fact that more than anything in the world, I want you to be happy… more than anything else, I want to be there with you happy…

But, I can’t offer you anything more than this. I’m sorry that I can’t give you what you really want… but if you would accept me as I am, if you would forgive me, I’ll know that we will always have that special bond that we had. So, if you still have any love for me, please tell me that you forgive me. Please say you won’t let go of what we share.

Nurul, talk to me.

Tell me that you forgive me.

Tell me that you will still have me as I am.

Tell me that unconditional love is real, that it isn’t just for lovers.

Please?

Talk to me. (NURUL cries helplessly.)

So is this the end?

Goodbye, then. (MIKAIL leaves. NURUL collapses as CASEY comes in.)

CASEY : (Tears in her eyes, she wraps her arms around NURUL.) There, there. There was nothing you could do. There was nothing you could do.

THE END

Lovely Lovely Scene

2007-11-11T04:12:00.002+08:00

There's no use in trying to fight
when I don't really wanna win
for it's better to take delight
in this lovely lovely scene
see I love the way you sound
sing for me and wear my crown
dare you whisper my thoughts in my ear
there's nothing more shocking to hear

I know, I know, I know, I know
how high I could go
I know, I know, I know, I know
how low I could go

there's no use in trying to hide
what I want is to be seen
and it's better to feast my sight
upon this lovely lovely scene
see I love the way you look
be inside my picture book
I'll have you in my hands to stare
trace here, there, everywhere

I know, I know, I know, I know
how high I could go
I know, I know, I know, I know
how low I could go

so here I am
begging you to stay
come here my pet
don't leave me yet
or I'll make you pay
in more ways than one

I know, I know, I know, I know
how high I could go
I know, I know, I know, I know
how low I could go

Words and music by Ana Raffali (anaraffali muzik ent.)

I wrote this song as a response to having dared myself to come up with something less depressing, right after Ghost. I think this is my favorite bright song that I have written so far, since it's so much fun to sing, I am playful and all. ;p

Tell Me by ANH Raffali Act 8

2007-11-10T05:27:00.000+08:00

Act 8.

Scene : JOE and MIKAIL are having lunch in a cafe.

JOE : So did you get a chance to talk to her?

MIKAIL : No, she wouldn’t talk to me. She wouldn’t pick up my calls.

JOE : Really?

MIKAIL : If I can just explain it to her. Tell her how I really feel, perhaps then she would understand.

JOE : Mikail, I know that it’s not my business, but seriously, how do you really feel about her?

MIKAIL : Isn’t it obvious? I care about her, even more than I should. I want her to be happy, but I know that I can’t give her what she wants. I can’t make her happy. I know only too well that nobody is responsible for anybody’s happiness except for his or her own.

JOE : I’ve known you for so long, I’ve watched you gone through so many things, it’s like you have all these preconceived plans that you have to realize and nothing was going to get in your way.

MIKAIL : Are you saying that I’m predictable?

JOE : More or less.

MIKAIL : What’s your point?

JOE : Did you ever in your life, with all your plans, expect someone like Nurul in your life?

MIKAIL : Never. She was definitely unexpected.

JOE : You can never change what has happened, you can never rework your past. You won’t be the same without it. I respect your decisions, the things that you do and the things that you don’t do. Respect doesn’t need understanding, but I’m asking you now, just so I could understand, why didn’t you make it clear to her earlier?

MIKAIL : What? That I was with somebody else? I thought that maybe she knew.

JOE : Come on, we both knew that she wasn’t sure. You could have easily changed that. Why didn’t you?

MIKAIL : I don’t know. I guess I don’t have any good excuse.

JOE : Try me.

MIKAIL : Maybe, I was selfish. I like her too much to risk changing the way things were. Maybe somehow, I knew that if she had known, she wouldn’t be the same anymore. Like there would be this great empty space between us. And as much as we try to fill it with good times, it would just grow bigger and bigger until we lose sight of each other. Figure of speech.

JOE : What made you think that she couldn’t accept it?

MIKAIL : What difference would my thoughts make? It doesn’t alter what has happened. And I was right, she couldn’t accept it as it is. It’s too late.

JOE : The both of you have so much love for each other that if you would just stop to think about it, you would realize that nothing could ever come between such a beautiful friendship. All the affection, all the respect, they are not easily thrown away.

MIKAIL : I always thought that if the friendship was strong enough, nothing could ever break it.

JOE : That’s true.

MIKAIL : But, she wouldn’t talk to me anymore.

JOE : She was angry; of course she didn’t want to. But, I bet if you go and talk to her, she will listen.

MIKAIL : How come you know so much? Have you talked to her?

JOE : I’m not saying anything.

MIKAIL : What did she tell you? Did she say anything about forgiving me? You can just tell me.

JOE : I have a better idea. Why don’t you go and find out for yourself. All the best! (He pats him on the back and leaves.)

Lights fade out.

Self-reflection

2007-11-10T01:12:00.001+08:00

I got myself sketched by an artist. I was told by a number of people that it doesn't look at all like me, but like some random old lady. Personally, I like it. I like the idea that what's on paper is how that one person sees me. And others may argue that the mouth is too big or the eyes are too small or the subject is too old, but I'll always be to that person as I was in his eyes.

On another note, I was also told that I look very different in my art photos taken by my photographer friends. The makeup and dresses aside, I believe the reason why I may not look like my ordinary self is because of the person who sees me through his lens. The photographer same as the artist captures what he believes may best represent what it is that I convey through my presence. With a click of that button, I found my self that was always there but people weren't able to see before.

So, I've come to the conclusion that each person that I become acquaintance with will only see their personal version of Ana. And as people differ in their beliefs and likes, so will their view or understanding of who I am differ. But I don't really blame people for any misconceptions. I do understand the fact that people only see what they want to see, at the same time they also see what I would allow them to see.

So the question would be; Who are you really? Are you the sum of everyone's version of who you really are? Or are you only the version you have of yourself? Is it even possible that there is such a thing as the real you when most of the time you find yourself acting and reacting quite differently with some individuals? What about the times when you surprise those who know you long by behaving so unlike your usual self? Is the supposedly real you, who you are then as well?

Hearts change, people change. I don't think that anybody should claim to know their true selves the most. Perhaps, it is through another pair of eyes that the image in the mirror reflects what is true within. I take pleasure in discovering myself through the connections I have with certain close individuals in my life. Without their versions of me, I don't think it's possible to be, not so much who I am, but truly who I hope to become. The best Ana is the only Ana worth knowing.

Tell Me by ANH Raffali Part 7

2007-11-09T03:37:00.000+08:00

Act 7.

Scene : NURUL comes into the living room with a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. She sits down on the sofa, flips a lifestyle magazine. Suddenly her phone rings. She picks it up with a smile on her face. She listens and starts to open her mouth but no sound comes out. She struggles to speak but fails, her eyes shows her panic. She drops the phone. CASEY enters. She looks at NURUL puzzled. NURUL looks back and faints.

CASEY : Oh my God! Nurul! What’s wrong? (She picks up the phone. The call has ended.) Nurul, wake up. Wake up!

Lights fade out.

Random Photos Gallery; Part 1

2007-11-08T23:57:00.001+08:00

[Part 1 of my collection of photos I would want to blog about but didn't have the time to, but think they deserve honorable mentions.]

It's a rarity for me to have a nice decent picture with my nephew, Aidil.

An earlier attempt caught him watching the telly.

My friend, Naim takes super good pictures with any camera.

Ironically, he's super shy in front of any camera.

Almost everybody knows of my mean and clean appetite.

But do they know of my mean and clean big bite?

Tell Me by ANH Raffali Act 6

2007-11-08T00:48:00.000+08:00

Act 6.

Scene : JOE and CASEY are waiting on the sofa, anxious. NURUL enters. Both of them stand up. NURUL’s phone rings. She takes a look at it, hit a button in dismissal.

CASEY : Nurul, are you okay?

NURUL : What makes you think I’m not?

CASEY : Well, you look…

NURUL : Did he call you? Did he tell you to make sure that I wouldn’t be doing anything stupid?

JOE : Please, Nurul.

NURUL : Oh my God. You knew it didn’t you? You knew about it all along…

JOE : It’s not what you think. I thought it would be best coming out from him… instead…

NURUL : Well, guess what! You thought wrong. It was worse, because you know what, I practically dug my heart out and I put it in his hands. And what happened, it slipped off his fingertips, no, that’s not it, he threw it away and it fell and it shattered into tiny bits of bloody pieces. Now it’s gone. I don’t have a heart anymore.

CASEY : Oh, Nurul.

NURUL : Thanks for not telling me about it. I would have kept it all inside. It would have festered and bled, but at least it’ll be here.

CASEY : (She goes to hug NURUL.) I’m so sorry, Nurul. I’m so sorry.

NURUL : No, it wasn’t your fault. It was mine. You guys have been telling me over and over again. But what did I do, I never listened. I was too obsessed with him. I created things in him that doesn’t exist. Trust? Bullshit! Respect? Nothing! Love?

CASEY : I’m sure it’s not like what you think.

NURUL : Of course it isn’t, I was so full of hope, wanting it to be real this time. I was determined to make him mine but it was a lost cause even before I started.

CASEY : But, you didn’t know.

NURUL : No, I didn’t, but maybe I didn’t want to know. It’s ironic, all these while I’m in love with a blind man only to find out that it was me who was blind. I didn’t see it coming. I didn’t see the truth, right in front of me. I was too busy dreaming and hoping, I didn’t see things as they are. I’m just plain stupid. I’m so stupid.

CASEY : Don’t be so hard on yourself. He’s just another guy you’re going to get over real soon. If you ask me, I don’t think he even deserves you if he failed to realize how perfect you are. He’s just another fool that you can easily get rid of.

NURUL : No, Casey. As much as I want to believe that. He’s not just another guy. It’s not going to be that easy.

CASEY : You have to try at least.

NURUL : As much as I want to hate him for not returning my feelings, for not telling me sooner, and for other million things, I just can’t. I can’t hate him. I can’t simply throw away all this love that I have for him. And you want to know what’s worse, deep down inside, I know that he didn’t do anything wrong. It wasn’t even his fault.

CASEY : Well, who says that life is going to be a walk in the park anyway? You have us to help you, Nurul. We’ll make lots and lost of distractions, we won’t talk about him anymore, we won’t even mention his name. If it helps, we won’t even see him again, right Joe?

JOE : Whatever it takes.

NURUL : No, no… He’s your friend too. You can’t just ditch him like that. I won’t let it happen. I won’t destroy your friendship with him out of spite. It wouldn’t make me feel any better.

JOE : What would make you feel better, Nurul?

NURUL : If things were like it was before.

JOE : Why can’t it be like that?

NURUL : I screwed up. I said things I wasn’t suppose to say.

JOE : But, you can put it all behind you. Mikail would accept.

NURUL : No, I’m too ashamed of myself… Joe, is it possible to love someone, without expecting anything in return?

JOE : Of course, that’s what unconditional love is. You love because you want to not because you expect yourself to feel that way or you feel obligated to it.

NURUL : I used to be so happy. Whenever he’s around, I knew I was happy. It’s not the things that he did or said. It was his mere presence that would somehow brighten things up. I trusted him as much as he trusted me. We respected each other’s principles, we understood each other’s feelings. And it was enough. Being with him was just enough. It was perfect.

JOE : So how come things changed?

NURUL : I was so happy, so comfortable around him that I didn’t want it to end. I wanted to continue feeling that warm sense of security. I know now that it was just selfishness. I started to become afraid, afraid that if I didn’t do something, I might lose him. I might lose my happiness.

JOE : But, it’s natural to have fears in relationships. You can’t help worrying about how things would turn out in the future. It’s easy to become jealous or possessive or demanding, because you care so much, and you can hurt so much.

NURUL : It doesn’t have to be that way, you know. I wasn’t like that in the beginning. I wasn’t filled with expectations or longing, or hurt. I wasn’t even questioning it. I was just happy because being with him brought out the best of me.

JOE : So what happened?

NURUL : I’m not sure. I guess I became obsessed when I started to expect more and more out of it. I didn’t want to settle for less than I thought I deserved. I wanted him to be mine so that I won’t ever lose that sense of security. I forgot that I didn’t need to own him to be content in the first place, because I was already filled with the joy of loving someone, without obligations or expectations or fear.

CASEY : Nurul, what if all this while he also felt the same way?

NURUL : What if…

JOE : Maybe he loves you, in his own way. He was always in good spirits when you were around. He must have known it himself, and that’s why he held on. But still, he couldn’t change the fact that he had made his choice. A decision out of the love he felt for the other girl. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care at all about you.

NURUL : You’re right. He’s not the heartless monster in this case, I am. I trampled on his feelings. I made him feel bad. I should have accepted it as it is. Instead, I questioned him. How come he didn’t tell me sooner, why and all that, when it shouldn’t have mattered at all. It doesn’t change what I feel for him now. Questions are pointless.

CASEY : But I have a question.

NURUL : What is it?

CASEY : How do you feel about him now?

NURUL : Isn’t it obvious? I love him, perhaps more than I have ever felt before if that’s even possible.

CASEY : Oh, don’t you ever learn?

NURUL : No, Casey. It’s not the old obsessive me talking. I don’t need him to make me happy, because I already am. I’m happy because I have my family, my music, my books, my writings, my friends, my life, you two. I just realize that I don’t need somebody that can make me happy. I just need somebody who I am happy just being with.

CASEY : Well, I’m glad you’re returning to your cheerful self. But you’re starting not to make any sense and it’s becoming scary.

NURUL : Oh, Casey. I’m not crazy. Well, maybe I am, who cares? But, don’t you get it? Being with Mikail makes me happy because we appreciate each other’s company. We trust each other, we respect each other, and we don’t expect anything from each other except to have the most fun out of what our lives have to offer. It’s the joy of unconditional love; it is the best form of friendship, unreserved.

CASEY : Well, I’m glad that you feel that way. Because it’s not too late, Nurul.

NURUL : Are you sure?

CASEY : Yes. You’re not upset anymore, are you?

NURUL : No.

CASEY : You’re not angry with me, Joe or Mikail for not telling you about her?

NURUL : Umm… Maybe just a little. No, wait.. It’ s gone.

JOE : Can you accept things as they are?

NURUL : You mean, can I accept him with her?

JOE : Yes.

NURUL : As long as she doesn’t get in my way to have some quality time with him once in a while, there shouldn’t be any problem with acceptance.

JOE : Don’t worry, I bet he’ll make sure of it.

CASEY : So… Go ahead.

NURUL : (She takes out her phone and dials a number. She waits, full of hope, full of love. After a while, she hits the button.) He’s not picking it up.

JOE : Maybe he’s asleep. It’s late. Try again tomorrow.

CASEY : Don’t worry, he always calls back, right?

NURUL : (Smiles.) Always, even if it’s a little too late. Well, I guess I’m going to call it day. (She leaves it on the desk.)

CASEY : You’re not going to bring it to bed?

NURUL : Why? It’s not like I can talk when I’m sleeping.

CASEY : You never know who might call you, first thing in the morning.

NURUL : If it’s Mikail and I know him, he never calls when I’m asleep.

CASEY : Lucky you.

JOE : Are you implying something?

CASEY : Nope, not ever.

NURUL : Guys, I feel that I must say this when I really mean it. Thank you, for everything.

JOE : You know that we love you, right?

NURUL : Yes, Joe. Good night. (She leaves.)

CASEY : Do you think she’ll be alright?

JOE : Lets hope so.

Lights fade out.

Dearest Drug

2007-11-08T00:42:00.000+08:00

My dearest Drug,

I think I am developing a psychological dependence on you. I believe that you are necessary to maintain my feelings of comfort, awareness, pleasure and well being. At times, I find myself craving you and your rewarding qualities. I want my senses to be altered, my anxiety to be reduced, to have insightful experiences, to be intoxicated, a distortion of my senses, my perceptions and euphoria to be increased, a sense of calmness, lower inhibitions. I would always say; you felt good, I want to feel you again, I remember exactly how you felt. I have lost control over this feeling, I am addicted.

The more I am accustomed to you, the more I need you to get my desired effect. I used to need so little if not any at all, now all I want is for you to constantly swim in my bloodstream. This has fueled a violent urge to always have a need of you. I have tried stopping. I have the common withdrawal symptoms; depression, anxiety, paranoia, boredom and sadly, the inability to feel pleasure.

And before long, the urge to have you again becomes intense. Compulsive use; as long as you are available, I will undoubtedly turn to you. I can never say no to you. Loss of control; once I have had you, I will keep on it until I am exhausted or you are gone. Disregarding consequences; I don’t care if my cat gets fed, my studies are jeopardized, my mother disapproves, or my health is ruined, I would want you anyway. So my Dearest Drug, may I have some of you now?