Mulder and Scully

I am not one of those who bottle their emotions. But that doesn't mean I easily allow people access to my thoughts. It's stratified screening, those I'm closest to can consider themselves privileged. So that leads to the question of this blog. Where do I draw the line in writing about stuff that may be too personal?

Most of the stuff I had written are stuff I want to talk about, mundane things of which perhaps only the curious wouldn't mind knowing. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. So the selected minority, i.e. my closest friends, suffer more for the fact that they are not curious about me and therefore obtain the more explicit content.

I never had a clear objective in writing for this blog. I just think too much and so decided I might as well document it in the hopes of making sense of it all. It proves to be working, I'm becoming more sensible in fact.

For instance, as much as I want to prove certain individuals wrong on their preconceived notions of a platonic relationship, I know I won't be able to do that by simply telling it straight to their faces. (yeah, I know I'm turning yellow starting from my nose) So I write not so much for them, but for my personal satisfaction of knowing that I understand.

It's either you have it or you don't and whether you want it or you won't. Simple eh?

If only.

What is a platonic relationship? A friendship based on trust, respect and understanding, free from physical desire. Putting it in context, Mulder and Scully.

So what makes this kind of relationship worth talking about in this blog. Easy, it makes up a large percentage of my interaction with members of the opposite sex. Yes, I am not shallow, I do believe that men are good if not better for stuff apart from anything sexual.

Often I think about my platonic relationships with oh so many wonderful guys. We tend to establish lasting friendship just because we are able to talk about things others would unintentionally leave out. Shared thoughts, differing ideas, the comfort of knowing that somehow someone accepts your opinion.

You don't expect anything more than that. You learn to appreciate it as beyond the ordinary guy and gal partnership. And no amount of romance could ever replace a sturdy shoulder to rest your head on, or a strong grip of the hand to pull you back up.

So I have more platonic relationships than I have fingers to count them with. And whomever say that it's bad has either no experience on the beauty of it, or just plain egoistical to admit defeat in the area of romance.

desidero sapere

http://palancut.deviantart.com/

Penso che sia insano. Non conosco che cosa è errato con me. A volte, ritengo benissimo. Ma occasionalmente, desidero appena gridare. Non posso contribuire a pensare che forse qualcosa manchi. Qualcosa non è di destra. Provi mentre io potrebbe, non posso calcolarlo appena fuori.

Allora ancora, penso che sappia. Non sono soddisfatto con che cosa ha detto. La spiegazione era troppo semplice, troppo facile come se non fosse importante affatto. Perchè non possiamo rendergli il lavoro? Perchè non possiamo provare a superare gli ostacoli? Ha detto che è per il la cosa migliore. Chi è lui per conoscere quello?

So che devo essere ragionevole. Ma non ha appena il significato. È o voi lo ha o non. Ho una sensibilità che se lo lascio appena andare, io non potrà mai cambiare idea più. So che non accadrà mai.

È un pity.

La storia sta ripetendosi? Sensibilità del ritrovamento io stesso quasi, ma non abbastanza, il senso io ero prima.

train of thoughts

Questions I would like to have answered.

1. Why does it have to be that way?

2. Why can't it be the way I want?

3. Why can't I just let it go?

4. Why do I have to let it be?

5. Why can't it work?

6. Why does it have to fail?

7. Why can't it just be the way it was?

8. Why do I have to accept it as it is?

9. Why do I need to prove it right?

10. Why can't I prove it wrong?

11. Why does it feel so hard to be sure?

12. Why can't I be sure?

13. Why do I have to feel bad about it?

14. Why do I have a bad feeling about it?

15. Why do I have so many questions?

16. Why can't I have the all the answers?

Thoughts that often nag in my head, to keep me occupied while getting on with my life. In the hopes of taking the train of thoughts to somewhere, anywhere.

to speak or not to speak

I haven't been doing that much writing as of late, except for the tonnes and tonnes of assignment I have to complete. And I have three more to go. Honestly, I have been a bit careless lately, I started working on a paper I was supposed to hand in, in two hours. I only found out that I had to do it 30 minutes before class started. When I came in, I was just in time to give an impromptu speech that counts for 10% of our ongoing assessment. To quote something from the speech,

"Early birds get the best seats in the house, roasted chicken, such as me, gets to talk about punctuality."

Yup, of all the topics in the world. I didn't think I did such a bad job of it. All I had to do was draw a contrasting example from my personal life. I talked about the meaning of punctuality, the importance of punctuality and the real life instances when you have to be punctual.

The first one was easy enough, punctuality means setting your alarm clock/timer for every single thing that you have coming. E.g. Class at 8.30am, warning at 7.30am. Meeting at 12.45pm, warning at 12pm, date at 8.30pm, warning at 8.30am so on and so forth. Guess it was easy enough to comprehend that punctuality is adhering to the appointed time.

Then there was the importance of punctuality which was a no-brainer so I skipped that because most of the people in my class have been there since last Wednesday. So that leaves me with the real life examples. Hmm.. I thought of talking about the times when I simply am punctual, then I realized that there wasn't much to talk on that either. I could lie, but then most of my classmates have known me to be notorious in that specific area.

So close to two minutes which was the allocated time, I was punctual in ending my speech. I do have to say that even with my reputation as a debater, I still feel the jitters when I do public speaking. I wish I can be as natural as a truthful politician(truthful as in you can't tell he's lying), spread my oratory charismatic charm onto the unsuspecting. Can't see that happening anytime soon. Judging from my performance in last weekend debate, I still have a loooong way to go.

The first day was almost as bad as having a shower in an automatic car wash. Yeah, we won the rounds that we have to win to save our faces and lost a debate when we could've thrashed them. I felt so guilty being the new guy/gal in the team. I thought the pressure was just too much. In my head I was thinking whether I was really cut out for it.

And the boys were making efforts to be more supportive, it was so unreal. But it doesn't help the situation when you're trying to say something that might hurt my feelings when you're assuming that I am going to be hurt by it. Well, what they said kinda hurt but still, men can be so insensitive. They should have been more tactful, not condesending as if I'm too much of a girl to take it like a man. Anyway, I know that what they said is right and I will definitely improve myself. As for the part whether I might be hurt by the things they said, you'll never see me cry just because of some ill-formed words uttered by a toadheaded good-for-nothing sod and his partner, lizardtailed scumsucking neanderthal(yeah, I'm fine thank you very much).

We had one more round the following day before breaking announcement, and somehow the pressure was not upsetting me anymore. I was more together, more in touch with the happy-go-silly clan that I was able to laugh and focus. We managed to reach the semi but our motion was defeated by a majority of three against two. The team who won was part of the ASIANS champs. Well, guess we'll settle the score in Langkawi.

I'm practically writing an idiot's guide to debating with smart dummies. Those two nutheads are totally misrepresenting themselves, they aren't suppose to be that intelligent and persuasive in speech. To tell you the truth, they are gaining my respect more and more and it touches me so to see them trying to get me to be as comfortable with them as possible. Come to think of it, we have been through a lot. Haha.. (Private joke)

I am very much looking forward to brushing up my skills in debating, I hate to admit this but, I do have so much to learn from those two desert surfers, whatever that suppose to mean.

True colors; Part 1

I love personality tests! Latest one is this

http://web.tickle.com/color/

Try it out!

Yellow
You're yellow, the color of joy and energy — two things you definitely bring to everyone around you. It's hard for anyone to be sad or lonely in your presence; your sunny disposition and cheery outlook just won't allow it. The warmth of your personality shines through in the kindness you show friends and family (and strangers, too). Always ready with a lighthearted joke or heartfelt compliment, you know how to make people feel good about themselves, so they can't get enough of you. Yellow is a warm and inviting color for a warm and inviting person — you!

I already had the feeling that I was going to be this bright and sunshine loving chick. Yellow happens to be my favorite color too. So, no surprises.

It's all about the way you react to certain environments and situations. And it's all about choices. You choose how you want to behave. I know that if I want to I can always stay quiet instead of joining in the fun or laughing at the jokes. I can withdraw my self from the world and be the silent emo type not because I can do it but because I want to.

So how can you really tell what's the true you? Of course people are going to say that you can't pretend to be someone that you're not. Somehow you just going to reveal your true characters. But consider the fact that you behave differently in front of different sets of people. Compare and contrast the way you treat individual persons. Perhaps, some people receive the best of you and a lot receive bit and pieces of a puzzle that is never finished.

Lets analyze the relationships I have.

My parents.
I'm self-spoiled. With so many siblings, you learn to survive by making the effort to get their attention. They know me as their talkative and high-achieving daughter who seems to always be going about with new things to do like debate, drama and the photography projects, the jamming, community outreach programs etc. I treat my parents to the full knowledge of what goes on in my life always, well almost always. I'll go home and do a debrief with my parents on the interesting juicy things that happened while I was away, most of it with the intent to make them proud of their daughter's accomplishments and to convince them that despite my extra-curricular activities, I'm doing better than most.. at least that's what I want them to believe. Most of the stuff that I tell them are about things that made me upset and excited about and they always have this expression in their faces whenever I talk that tells me that they might be thinking 'when is this going to end?' Haha.. At least I've skipped the Q&A part.

My brothers and sisters.
The boys in the house think I'm selfish and self-centred and "what Ana wants Ana gets" is the correct phrase to use(but we know now that it's not true). My brothers and I have a great understanding that whatever they said remains in the room or the car or whatever. Everytime I come home, there's always something new that I'll find out from at least one of them that I can use for future teasing and blackmail. From the things that I tell them and I only tell them the things I want them to know, they believe that I'm just some shallow girl looking for the next cute fella to fall for and get heartbroken on. For the reasons that I'm their youngest sister, they are often very protective and treats me like I'm a kid more often than not, because honestly, I do behave like a kid cracking jokes with the ole fellas. I pity the guy who would be lucky enough to tangle himself up with me. Did I mention that I have 7 brothers? Yes SEVEN.

I rarely get to see my sisters, (1) Jannah's in UUM, (2) Kak Ita's married. But the opportunities that I get I'll put to good use. Jannah knows almost everything that goes on in my life because we love talking about trivial things. (Jan, if you're reading this, get ready for the truth.) She's crazy and fun and sometimes I find myself becoming the sober, matured and serious one just to keep ourselves in check. It's not that I wanna be the spoilsport in anything, it's just that you behave differently under a variety of circumstances. And with my sis, there's a limit.
Kak Ita and I occasionally have our girl talk, I bet she misses that more than me considering the fact that she's married with two kids and all. But, we do share some stuff, not much but just quite enough.

My nephews.
Their auntie Ana loves playing with them, she enjoys the play pretend perhaps even more than the kids. I love my nephews to bits and I love humoring them and seeing them looking so interested in the things that we do together, scribbling, playing the PS2, story telling, singing and dancing etc. I behave exactly as I would treat my preciousss.. Sometimes they'll be a lot to handle, in that case, I'll tag one of my brothers.
Nabil is learning fast, he can come up with the most challenging questions and difficult remarks.
"Nabil, jangan kocakkan air, habis basah semua."
"Tadi Ana buat!"
I must admit that it has been a long time since I've seen the little inflatable pool, just can't help splashing the water into their faces.

So, I've covered family, now lets move on to friends and acquaintances,

in Part 2..

Monday March 6, 2006

Big enough Little Ms. Ana

by ANH

SHAH ALAM: The future of the UiTM Debate Society looks burningly bright, as their trainer selected promising members to compete for the upcoming local and international debating tournaments.

Mr. Tubs said that in general, the competition for selecting the best from the many outstanding debaters was high. It had taken him more than the usual 30 minutes to decide on the rankings and team placement.

"The final debate was exceptional, all of the debaters performed well. They engaged with each other and gave excellent examples. It was probably one of the best debates we have had so far," he told debaters before announcing the results.

There was a new entrant to the big boys club, except this time it's not a boy. Little Ms. Ana has scored it big by proving to her peers and most importantly, the trainer that she has worked hard and is qualified to be in the first team.

She told reporters that it came as such a shock to her that the first thing that came out of her mouth was a word, which is unsuitable to be mentioned in the papers.

"I would like to thank my mom, my dad, my brothers, my sisters and my two adorable nephews for their continuing support. To my debate trainer, Tubs, my debate seniors, my friends for believing in me and pushing me to get my *ss going. With all the love in the world, I promise you all that I shall not let you down. Asians, Australs, Worlds, here I come." she said, adding that she looks forward to be working with her new team mates.

"I'm nervous and excited. Still can't believe that I'm with two of the best monkeys for debaters. They are pretty good fellas, really smart but really dumb*sses as well. It's going to be great," she remarked when asked if she was feeling the pressure of being in the dream team.

Perhaps, there is more to the future of the UiTM debate society than what meets the eye. We can only hope that the teams perform their very best and kick-ass along the way to the top.

Imagine reading that in your morning papers.

Jerry

I climbed the ladder propped up against the wall with careful ease. Each step gets me closer and closer to the stars, literally. I often spend hours on the roof—arms wrapping my gathered knees to keep myself warm—staring at the sky. I remembered the times whenever I was alone and Jerry would come climbing the ladder to keep me company.

The first time that he did it, I was so shocked. I couldn’t believe my eyes. It never occurred to me that he was capable of showing that much affection to actually brave the heights to be with me. Then again, perhaps that was just his nature.

From that night on, he was always there, listening to me talk about things that mattered so much to me then but are pointless to him. He didn’t understand me in the way that any other companion would at least try to, but he never turned me down. He was always there. And I love the fact that he wasn’t pretentious when we were together, he wasn’t questioning or demanding, and he would let me be all that I am.

I didn’t need him to take care of me, I never asked him to linger around, and I knew that I had no power over him but he stayed anyway. When I cried, he didn’t have to say anything at all to make me feel better; when he made me angry and I returned the feeling, we forgave each other and we forgot it instantly. We never kept a score; there wasn’t any point in that. We loved each other and it was such a joy to float in that kind of love.

When Jerry left, he died. And a part of me that clung to him died as well. I could not remember if I had actually cried. The feelings just went away; I let the hurt, the bitterness, the anger slipped in between my fingers like sands of time trickling in an hourglass. I guess I have let him go for good. Now all that is left are scattered snapshots of how lovely the stars slow danced in the midnight sky, and also the twinkle in Jerry’s cat's eyes.