Philosophical cow dung on the life of little Ms. Imperfectly Fine.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

what if i never (hold you)

Silently waiting for you
silently wanting you
silence wasn't working
silence was a waste

Silly me, wheeling in the sky
silly me willing not to lie
singing wickedly off-tuned
singed, weaken by the moon

So long, wonderful fool
so long, wander off and away with you
soldiers wear stones for hearts
so do jerks with bones for darts

Silly me, wheeling in the sky
silly me willing not to lie
singing wistfully on truth
singed, weaken by you
sir, what if I never hold you
would you think it over?

Words and music by Ana Raffali (anaraffali muzik ent.)

Inspired by what if I never hold you

Friday, September 21, 2007

Raining Flowers

Fa, Icky and I performed this during Layar Tanchap Merdeka for our national Independence day celebration. I sang Ghost earlier, sucked at it but considering the fact that I was mighty nervous and I was playing the guitar alone and singing my heart out so it's alrite. *sigh

Anyway, it's been so long since I've written a song in Malay (my native tongue) so it was extremely fun to watch the words appear. I love the casual approach to this song particularly, like what friends would tell friends. ;p This is Hujan Bunga di KL (Raining flowers in KL);


ramalan kaji cuaca kata aku kan jatuh cinta
the weather report said that I'll be falling in love

tapi tak pula beritahu dengan siapa
but it didn't say who it'll be

lalu hari ini ku berlari mencari-cari
so today, I've been running around, trying to find

si dia yang bakal miliki hati ini
the one who's gonna help me make him mine

*mungkin dia ada di situ
maybe that's him, over there

tersenyum padaku
smiling at me

namun malu-malu
ever so shyly

hujan bunga di Kuala Lumpur ini
it's raining flowers in KL

sudah tiada masa untuk mencari payung
there's no time to be looking for umbrellas

berteduh kita bawah surat khabar
lets take shelter under newspapers

lalu terbaca berita lama kata
and read the same old news

hujan ini tak akan reda
this rain won't ever stop

ikut rasa ingin sahaja aku hampirinya
if it was up to me I'll go to him

tapi ku takut apa pula kata semua
but I'm not sure what they'll say

bukan senang untuk ku meluangkan masa ini
it's never easy to take the time for this

sekadar peluang mengisi ruang kosong hati
merely a chance to fill in what I've missed


**hujan ini sekejap saja
this rain won't go on forever

***hujan ini tak akan reda
this rain won't ever stop

Here's the video of the performance. This song was only less than two weeks old then. ;p Thanks, Fauzan for putting it up. ;)


I know that I haven't been writing my usual long posts lately. So here goes;

Why did I write hujan bunga? Well apart from a secret plot, there's this notion of the upredictability of love, which I feel is just like a weather report. I mean seriously, do you actually trust the weather? I remembered reading Enid Blyton's story about looking at the sky and if you can see a patch of blue big enough to make a sailor's pants then your BBQ is good to go. I love her work. I'm not entirely sure of the validity of this though. But I remembered looking up at indecisive skies and thinking, where is that patch of blue when you need it?

I'm not sure I trust love anymore. It's not that I'm bitter or anything, it's just that I don't enjoy falling for someone and not being able to be with him only to fall for another and still not being able to be with him as well. It's like a vicious cycle. I am told that eventually the "wheel of fortune" will point to that "big money". But as for now, I don't think I even have the time to play nor the patience to wait for my turn. I know I don't want to be bothered. I know exactly what I want and if I can't have it so that's just that.

Truthfully, I still miss my "fake plastic love" (Listen to Radiohead's Fake Plastic Trees). Maybe not that much but I do think about him once in a while. It's been a year since he let go of us and the thought of subjecting myself to the same ordeal is harrowing. I mean, I know that I was happy while it lasted, extremely in fact that I even dreamt of following "plastic" to hell and back as romantic as it sounds. But, it pains me knowing that in the end, the only thing that was real in it was the break-up. I wasn't fooling around, I was fooling myself into thinking; that he was the one. Sadder still, I can't be angry anymore because I know now that it was due.

You see, I have always been very idealistic about love. I want to be wanted by a lover without wanting it too badly, to be needed by a lover without being too needy. I don't like the idea of having to constantly assure him that I do love him since I don't need that kind of auto-response assurance from him in the first place. I don't believe that it's my responsibility to make him happy nor it's his responsibility to see to my happiness. I am happy by choice and if it makes us happier in each other's company then that's why we love, not because we expect the other to sacrifice anything for us to gain something.

My point is, I entered the last relationship with that in mind and all the hope in the world and somehow along the way it was forgotten. I was still the silly old me, but the core of my beliefs was gone, and in its place was a practice in syncretism, of a compromise that I didn't even realize I had agreed to. I became possesive and demanding and everything else and truth be told, I did it it because it was expected of me. I did it because I had chosen to love somebody who did not understand me, and perhaps I thought I'll make up for it by offering him what he's familiar with.

Like I said, it was due. I was heartbroken, I probably still am. But the pain is more of a relief knowing that thanks to him, I gained myself back. So, coming back to whatever it is I was talking about (hold a sec while I check what I wrote earlier ... ... ...) Oh, yes. On not trusting love anymore. Ok, maybe I was using a hyperbole with that, but I do feel that I will be single and emotionally unavailable and unready for a longer time. What's the point in acquiring a lover that does not understand how you work and would eventually force you to sabotage the relationship in the end? Sick, but true.

Don't worry about me, I am happy with current status and life. I don't need any cheering up in that aspect of my life. Please don't think I don't believe in love or anything silly like that. I love love, what's not to love? Hehe.. In fact, for those of you who have yet to realize it, I love and I am indeed in love.. with a cut-out of my dreams.. more of an idea than a man as it should be. He echoes my thoughts and voices my secrets. He's ruthless, kind-hearted, honest and his own self. We might not be together, he might not think of me at all, but he's the testament to my conviction that such ideals are real.

And that my dear friends somehow makes up for everything.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

what if i never hold you

silently, waiting for you. silently, *watching you. silence wasn't working. silence was a waste.

*silly me, wheeling in the sky. silly me, willing not to lie. singing wickedly off-tuned. sick, weaken by the moon.

so long, wonderful fool. so long, wander off and away with you. soldiers wear stones for hearts. so do jerks with bones for darts.

silly me, wheeling in the sky. silly me, willing not to lie. singing wistfully on truth. singed, weaken by you.

sir, what if i never hold you, would you think this over.

*silently, waiting on you. silently wanting you. silence wasn't worth it. silence was waste.

Photography by

*song version edited on 21st of September, 2007 ;)