Philosophical cow dung on the life of little Ms. Imperfectly Fine.

Monday, October 31, 2005

calming effect

I'm falling into the phase where I've accepted things as it is and I'm trying not to sound too hopelessly dramatic about my so called non-existent love life. The effect is great, no more tortured laments of the could-have-beens and endless frustration over the smallest misunderstood signs. Of course, now and then, I would throw the occasional remarks of how great he really is, and I'm not exaggerating when I say that because it's true.

He's intelligent and quite a fashionable nerd with exceptional guitar skills and excellent mannerism. Polite in conversation, brilliant in explaining and not to mention a little adorably geeky. I dare not say he's handsome, but there's something in him that surpasses mere looks that seems so fascinating to me. One thing certain, he has a good heart. And that's the short and the long version of the reasons why I'm hooked on this one particular person on Earth. I’ve come to this understanding that, so what if I like him, that's not my problem, it's his. I let him deal with it if he feels that he has to. But, there's no pressure, honest. I don't expect him to have the obligation to return my feelings. Nope, I think I've gone beyond that.

In fact, I'm beginning to think that despite all my efforts to convince everyone that he's just perfect for me, I'm not exactly sure myself. No surprise. You see, there are two different people in one person. The one that I think he is and the real him that I've yet to know.

So far, he's exactly as I thought he'd be and worst, even better. It's harder to let go now. And why should I even consider that I have to? He's currently not married or anything such as that. With my informed choice, I'm not doing anything harmful.

Put it in a positive light, people change, hearts change. If he doesn't, in time I will. So what if I really, really like him at this moment. That's his problem to deal with; my problem is my upcoming exams of which my whole future depends upon.

"It is not you I love. I love to love as I love you. I am not counting on anything from you, my beloved. I expect nothing of you save my love for you. Anna de Noailles"

Monday, October 24, 2005

Creeps in the stone

Sometimes, you just can't help missing the things you've lost or never gained. Feeling angry for being stupid enough to care, wishing you could just be indifferent about it. Certain songs seem to hit you so hard your heart could almost burst. To recall the simplest things about a particular moment in the past even though you know it's going to hurt. And you keep on remembering, not ready to forget.

Until one day, you wake up to find that it doesn't hurt as much anymore.

It doesn't hurt as much as you thought.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

That's settled.

Finished drama and debate selections, both went extremely well.

For drama, I was deemed the most gedik and overacting Rapunzel of the century, which is fine for me. It was so crazy and funny, we had a blast performing and all. But the highlight of the night was when I found out that Ali* was there. He came to watch my drama, I was so shocked I screamed.

Remember I got the pic the other day, I bought a Gibson pic with the same thickness and gave it to my friend. He keeps it in his wallet.

Debate was really scary, like I said. I haven't been reading much as of late. But the current philosophy is that if you don't know shit, just bullshit. I think I managed to do that just fine. I got selected for royals and worlds. Yup, royals too, the debate starts on the 29th so that's clear.

I've got 2 assignments to go then I'm off to devote myself to reading.

Books and debate stuff.

I saw Doom with my debate friends, Ilyas, Khairun, and Zharif, yesterday. Not bad for a movie, especially the part where the scene changes and your view is like of the game. Quite nostalgic. Don't want to spoil the movie for you by revealing stuff but, go have a watch.

Yeah, not much stuff to ramble about except for dull unimportant things.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

I went to BBC and found this.

Apparently this was among the many very controversial postcards during post-war Britain. Pretty funny stuff. Check it out at

I wonder if there's some rational reasons behind our reactions to different situations. Like this idea of love at first sight. What contributes to that feeling of instant irrational attraction? Similarity in appearance, personality, thoughts? And how can you be sure that it's love? What if it's just your hormones raging or the mood you're in, say you caught the happy bug or something?

Love at first sight happens whether it's really true or not. Or maybe we like the idea of it so much, we allow it to occur. But, is it good for our general well being?
Or are we just suckers for romance?

Personally, I think this kind of attraction will definitely last.

Until someone better comes along.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Look what I found out

ColorQuiz.comAna took the free personality test!

"Needs a change in her circumstances or in her rela..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

You should try it. It's freakingly coincidental.

Here's how;

Your Existing Situation
Works well in cooperation with others. Needs a personal life of mutual understanding and freedom from discord.

I've been doing a lot of group works lately. Try not to get into other people's nerves although I'm beginning to doubt that, due to a little bit of my perfectionist streak. I usually let them have their way if it's not that important. It's hard when you're constantly being misunderstood. But, lately I've been having some quality time with my gal pal, Faizah. She would listen to me ramble about stuff I haven't talk about here n vice versa. Even though I feel that she may not understand me sometimes, she accepts.

Your Stress Sources
Seeks independence and freedom from any restriction and therefore avoids obligations or anything which might prove hampering. She is being subjected to considerable pressure and wants to escape from it so that she can obtain what she needs, but tends to lack the necessary strength of purpose to succeed in this.

Yup, have been very busy doing assignments and all that. Trying very hard to minimize the workload, so very not nice. I've so many other things I want and have to do that it's no wonder I haven't been doing much reading for debate. We have Royals and Worlds selection this week, and I haven't the slightest clue of what's going on. Wish I could just give up all of my obligations, turn the lights out and dream away.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense.
Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.

Am I? To quote a line from my drama presentation this 21st, "Aw... Where's my prince when I need him?"

Your Desired Objective
Needs a change in her circumstances or in her relationships which will permit relief from stress. Seeking a solution which will open up new and better possibilities and allow hopes to be fulfilled.

That's self-explanatory. I'm hoping for one particular person to fall from the sky.

Your Actual Problem
The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities, or reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. She reacts by seeking outside confirmation of her ability and value in order to bolster her self-esteem. Inclined to blame others so that she may shift the blame from herself. Anxiously searching for solutions and prone to compulsive inhibitions and compulsive desires.

That is so true. I don't think my grades this sem is going to be that great. If only we were given more time. If only the lecturers were more clear cut on how they want things to be done instead of just expecting us to pull out something academically outstanding from our hats. We don't even have hats! I could have done better.

Your Actual Problem #2
Feels restricted and prevented from progressing; seeking a solution which will remove these limitations.

Like I said, I can't wait till the sem's over. Next time, I know better.

Wish I could say the same thing for paragraph four.


Friday, October 14, 2005

Busy as a bee.

Man, if this week has been hell, I hate to think what a real hell would feel like.

Just got off from delivering a presentation on International English as the way to go. I think I was more concerned with finishing it off than making sense. I was practically speeding and making myself barely intelligible. Thats ironic since my presentation was all about international intelligibility. Yeah, I know, I'm still not making sense.

Need to read up for my test later, Oral Communication, public speaking for the commoners. I hope I'll manage to put my basic knowledge of giving a speech into good use. It sucks when you are known as a debater and incapable of scoring high for something that should be at the tip of your fingers. I got an A- for my Informative speech. Its weird because I think the reason was because I followed my outline exactly word for word. And you're not suppose to do that? So, no point memorizing huh? That's dumb.

Can't wait til the sem is over.

I want a life.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Flat batteries

My bro gave me a pda, yeah I know, lucky me to have him. *wink.

I've been using the pda like mad. Writing, taking pictures, listening to songs etc.

Then one day, seeing the need to acquire a proper charger for MY palm, ventured to Low Yatt to look for it on my own for the first time. Makes me feel all grown up a bit.

Got the charger, went home to Shah Alam, opened the pda and...

The batteries were flat, the data inside was erased.

Gone were my writings, my pics and my personalized settings.


And not to mention, the particular collection of sms that I've been saving from a particular someone. I know, sad.

The last two days have been seeing me going back and forth to klcc, with the help of Acat, to restore whatever was gone. The pda was never the same again. Certain items were lost forever, like a picture of a distribution truck with the writings "eggs you'll take to heart" plastered on it that I was planning to write about, and a guitar pic. Then again, I can always snap the latter again.

Oh, yeah, I got a new guitar pic.

Well, it's not exactly new. But, it's priceless, most definitely. Talk about something to boost my motivation to improve my guitar skills. Thanks, love. It's the best pic I've had so far. *wink.

I'm not in my philosophical mood at the moment. Expect a turnaround sometime next week as the lunar eclipses with the sea. Whatever.

Friday, October 07, 2005


My friend in Indonesia gave me this.

It's pretty. Thanks, love.

I'll take it as a friendship band.

Yelah, takkan tak nak pakai kot?

Believe it or not, I do treasure him as a friend, that's the most important thing. I've been doing the treasuring a lot these days. Not willing to hook up, not wanting to let go. You can't just ruin your friendship just like that just because your heart just decided to change. That is so selfish and self-centered.

I've been thinking. These past few months has taught me a lot about being unselfish and taking others into consideration as well as yourself. When it comes to making decisions involving the matters of the heart, you can't ignore what hearts you break in the process. Even if its someone else's.

We don't have to proclaim undying devotion and eternal love to the person that we care about. By being there for him or her, without expecting anything in return save for his/her happiness, in theory, should be enough.

Maybe, it's just me, but I do believe that there is a difference between soul mates and true love. Hear me out.

Each and every one of us have soul mates, kindred spirits who make our lives complete by being there during the course of our lives. And one person is not entitled to only one, mind you. There is no clear quota to the number of soul mates you may have. There is also no restriction of gender. Soul mates are your friends who make you make silent remarks like "I wish I was a guy" or "If only he's a girl." Your soul mates are your friends that seem to compliment you without having to drag them to the altar or form some sort of binding union. Your soul mates are also the ones you've lost.

Look into your lives and try to remember those you really care about, who care just as much about you. Best friends, old and new. Even your exes may be your soul mates, because at one point in your life, you shared a connection that seems to fit perfectly. Regardless of how you've changed and how hearts changed, if you really look into those moments you share, and recall the unconditional love you had that was so special. You know to appreciate those good old days.

My point is, soul mates are people who help your soul grow, in other words, those non-relatives who love you not because it's by default, but because they just do, without expecting anything in return. It sort of explains why people fell in and out of love, because at one point in time, their souls reach out to one another to form a union.

So, it doesn't matter if you have a list of people you love but can never actually be with, love them as they would have loved you, maybe even more. It doesn't matter if you can't return their love in they way that they want, because you can't make everybody happy without being a sorry monkey yourself.

All in all, even if I may never find my true love, so long as I have my soul mates to love and be loved, I think I’ve got it covered.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

I give up

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down. -Woody Allen"

I nearly gave up. I couldn't take the possibility that he might have found the person he can't live without already and sad to say she's not me. I was willing to give in to the situation. To curl up in a corner and die slowly. All because my friend stated his brutal opinion that Ali* is just biding his time, waiting for the right moment. One of my ramblings in the previous entry was true. She has him. And I have nothing but this pity for a heart.

I tried to sound ok like it doesn't matter. I'll be fine now that I know where I'm standing. On quicksand that is slowly sinking me deeper underground. Yeah, rite, fine.

Why didn't he tell me sooner?
"I didn't want to stop you from doing what you think is best for you. If you really want him, by all means go and get him. I just don't want you to get hurt, that's all"

As if I'm not hurting already.

That's it then.
I'll stop making such a fuss about it.
I give up.

"I told you what I think you should know. But that doesn't mean you should take it as an answer not to do what your guts telling you."

Oh, come on! What does that supposed to mean?
"You know Friends, the series?"

And who doesn't?
"Remember when Joey had feelings for Rachael. Well, Joey confessed and they both accepted it and got on with their lives. Joey was true to himself and so was Rachael and they continued to be friends with that knowledge. It's ok to be honest, it helps."

This is the part when I thought to myself, Oh, I'm so stupid. What's wrong with loving someone and accepting it as it is? Nothing.

What's wrong with being true to yourself and being honest with the other person? Nothing.

I nearly gave up. But, I didn't.

I don't want to make this love seem so trivial that I'd be willing to throw it away and move on. This is not something that happens every other day. I should be glad that I even got the chance to feel this way in the first place. Sadistic, but true. Makes it all meaningful and worthwhile, somehow.

So, Ali*, regardless that you may have feelings for someone else and she’s way better than I could ever be, that does not stop me from loving you the way I do. Someday, I’ll let you know just that.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

What do you reckon?

Teacher: You're not going to sleep in there, are you?
Student: Why not? They call it the rest room, don't they?

Thoughts playing around my head. What is this that I'm feeling? Am I jealous? Over what, pray tell? I don't even know and that's even more tragic.

He has known her for years. They shared the same career goals, studied in the same university and now they are working in the same building. Yet, he refuses to admit that they are together, he denies whatever assumptions his closest friends have on them. He rarely talks about her, he only gives passing comments.

He has adored her for years. They shared the same interests, studied together for the same goals, and even applied for the same workplace so that they can see each other as often as they could. He did not see any need to declare to anyone that they are together, he answers their silly questions by confusing them with downright lies. He refuses to give in to people by witholding his true feelings from them. The truth need only exists between the two.

He has been her friend for years. They shared the same interests and career goals, they were college mates study partners and coincidentally are currently working in the same building. He dismisses the idea that they were an item because it's not true. He seldom spoke of her because there isn't much to be shared.

I wish I knew what's really going on. Until then, all I can do is use a bit of imagination.

He has known her for years. They were college mates before and are good friends. He likes her, that is true, but only as a friend and both of them agrees and understands this. He doesn't want to encourage people to think that they are a couple because there is a difference between friendship and romantic relationship. They are just friends. He is still single and waiting to find the right girl to change that.

And that right girl might be not-lefty me.

Hey, over here!

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Time to be more patient

Hey, fasting month is here. More to practice the virtue of patience. To live in moderation and initiate positive behaviour. A time to be more kind and more thoughtful.

When I was little, I very much look forward to fasting. I remember waking up crying on my bed, with my head resting on my arms, like there was no tomorrow. Just because my mom forgot to wake me up for sahur. It was so important to me at that time to fast accordingly the whole month, never missing a day. And of course, how can I forget, the certain nikmat of forgetfulness when I
drank nice cool water in the middle of the day. I panic and ran towards my mom as if I had done a terrible horrible deed only to be reassured by her that God is forgiving. And it's true.

The best part about it all was when the whole family would break our fast. It was grand. I have many many siblings under one roof, that even the kitchen could not accommodate us. We ended up eating in front of the tv like it's a family time thing, which it was and still is. The whole family would enjoy mom's cooking while watching some random shows or drama series. My mom is used to cooking for a whole army, and she's really good at it. I reckon that that's where I got my huge appetite for good food. I was trained at such a young age.

But I guess, one thing I'll be missing the most this fasting month is baking cookies with my late sister, Kak Ima. Late at night we would be busy scurrying around in the kitchen. Kak Ima would be making delightful tasty cream cheese cookies, peanut butter and candy cookies, while I would be helping her by watching and making a mess. I was her assistant, followed her every move and in charge of burning the cookies. It has been two years and still it's hard when you remember these small things. Especially when it happened at such a special time of the year. The month that brings my family together in the spirit of good food and love for the tv. Memories.

I miss you.

Monday, October 03, 2005


I'm the creature of darkness.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

I don't need a guy.

I don’t need a guy to be happy. I’m enjoying my life as it is, although the load of assignments I have to finish off is not enjoyable at all. I have my closest friends to laugh with, family for love and support, my guitar to play and books to read. In short, I should be content, I am content; sometimes I don’t need a guy to be happy.

That’s why, I have to refrain myself from sounding too desperate. Because I’m not, I’m just frustrated. As much as I want him, my life does not revolve around making him mine or anything. Yes, I do include him in my ‘to do’ list. ;p But that’s about it. I don’t mope around the house and not do anything except waiting close to the phone for a mystical magical “Hey, what’s up!” I don’t loose sleep over him, I still eat a lot and shower regularly. I’m just living my life.

The difference is, I like him and sometimes I can’t help feeling frustrated because I can’t do anything about it. That’s why I write, and I exaggerate. The feelings are real but I’m not some tragic heroin. I just like to use hyperboles.

I believe some explanation is needed here. Why him? What’s so different about this time? Why is it important for him to know and yet I’m not doing anything about it?

Honestly, I just tripped and fell over a friend of my friend. Typical, yeah. I haven’t had time to actually get to know him, but there were a couple of conversations that I had with him that contributed to my fall. And I know for a fact that I might just imagined it all and he’s not exactly what I thought him to be. But, so far he fits me perfectly.

So what’s the problem then? If he’s perfect, why don’t you just go for it? Or, is it because he’s taken already? The reason why I’m stuck in this mess is because, for the first time in my 19 years of life, I’m afraid of loosing what I never had, of being rejected not just by anyone, but by him. It’s different this time because it could not have been anybody. It just has to be him. What makes me so sure about this is the fact that, I tried to compensate not having him by settling for someone that happens to be there and shared some characteristics of him. I realize I made a mistake when I found out that it wasn’t what I really wanted. I’d rather be alone then be with someone for the wrong reasons.

My source tells me that he’s not exactly taken, but there is a particular person in his life. I have a feeling that she might be important to him as she knew him first. But, that’s not what worries me, my number one fear is that I’m just not his type and he’s too good for me of which I’m starting to believe.

But, I’m not letting that spoil my life. I don’t need a guy to be happy; I don’t need him to make me happy. But I would, sure as heck, be a whole lot happier if he does.

He said I had a good voice. My heart is singing with joy.