Philosophical cow dung on the life of little Ms. Imperfectly Fine.

Friday, January 27, 2006

School is cool!

The last day of school, mid-term break is finally here. I wonder if I can actually have a break. So many stuff to read (books; academic and non-academic), a debate tournament to go to, a lousy flue to get over, literature analysis and homeworks, drama script for personal satisfaction, PS2 games to finish, movies that I haven't watched yet. I better write down my list of things to do. Then again why bother? If it's not nagging in your head, it's not that important, I always say. Coming from me, that's not advisable.

I think I'm beginning to get more organized. I read more than my usual share, I sleep at least 7 hours a day, I eat my vitamin C, I'm keeping a good facial care regiment, I indulge in intellectual(girl talk) conversation with my friends, I have my daily music therapy with the new stereo in my room. And the best part is, my room has never been this neat before. I like being in my room a lot, reading, dreaming. I'm trying to see if having nothing on my desk except for the radio would have any significant psychological effect. I'm beginning to think that it does, somehow it makes me feel like an impulsive cleaner. Nowadays, I hate seeing my room disorganized, which is a very good change from the old me. And when I'm bored instead of going out, I'll be picking up a book to read.

I wonder what's happening. Could it be that this is a natural phase in life that everybody will have to go through? And by the end of the phase, can we actually choose to stick to it?

Well, classes have never been this great. I enjoy my literature classes a lot, I love the many discussions that somehow sprang from careful analysis and observation, which I think I got from debate training. Thank, God. I can't imagine taking counselling as my minor. I used to want to be a counsellor, but after seeing how you can really screw a person's head if you're not careful, I rather not start. By the way, I have a little crush on one of my lecturers. Don't get any ideas, he's old enough to be my father and I like him in a non-romantic kind of way. He's so helpful and soft-spoken, reminds me of someone I know. It's such a good thing though, makes me more inspired to come to his classes to listen to his lectures, do my assignments better than anyone else, which reminds me that I'm suppose to be meeting him now for some help on my review.

Oh, did I mention that he has a 22-year-old son who's doing medicine?

Oh, bring it on!

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

The time of the pain

It's nice to be surrounded by good friends you can always rely on. In your times of need, they are there to lend a hand. I grew to appreciate this blessing of great company, makes you feel appreciated as well.

I was in sooo much pain last night, I thought I would die. It was like somebody was ripping my insides apart, put it back together completely healed, only to do it again and again and again. I felt so helpless, I was. I didn't expect it to hurt this much. Didn't know it could. In the middle of the night, I realized how painful it is to be a girl.

The concerned voice of my friend, Faizah, brought a sense of hope in me. In my agony, I told her what was wrong. Although she couldn't see me, she couldn't see through the wall, she knew that I was hurting like heck. And she instantly rushed to get reinforcements. Jammy and Sarah were waiting outside with Wana's two miracle pills and a glass of water when I came out. I then realized how wonderful it is to be a a girl with great friends. It's Ms. Ana and her league of super friends.

They made sure that I was properly drugged and lying albeit uncomfortably on my bed, they stayed a while to cheer me up. I was starting to make silly jokes and Faizah was starting to get suspicious of my good humor. I need to do something to get my mind off the pain before the drug kicks in.

"Kan best kalau pregnant, tak payah sakit macam ni."
"Banyaknye letak minyak, boleh goreng telur dah ni."

Jammy said that maybe we should call my doctor friend to come instead of sending me to the clinic. Yeah, that's a great idea! My very own private doctor. Ooh, that would surely get my mind off the pain in more ways than one. Eeeuu..

Before the three went back to sleep, they reminded me to shout, or make a missed call in case I needed anything. I was still hurting, lying restlessly trying not to think about it that much. I actually tried calling my doctor, but couldnt get him as expected. So I sent him an sms instead. I know, I was weak, so what? As my pain slowly melted away, I fell asleep dreaming of playing superb guitar licks and flying joyously, dancing in the bluest blue sky that is infinitely high. Ooh yeah, the stuff they gave me was good.

I didn't go to my morning class, too tired and too lazy to wake up in time. After my shower, I fell back to sleep. I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing. Had a very easy and informative chat with my doctor who explained me on the possible reasons why it was so bad for me this time. It was kind of awkward coming from a guy, but the man knows his stuff. I told him that perhaps it's because I always main2 nak gi buat thorough head to toe medical examination kat hospital dia. Now, dah kena. Anyway, I felt much much better.

So, puzzling Mr. Pain comes and goes. But good friends are there to cheer you up, even though they might be a little late, they are there nonetheless.

Monday, January 23, 2006

It always comes back

When my mind is occupied with something important, or I'm doing the things I love, when I'm finishing my work or reading a book, I don't think at all about it. Like I can finally say that I'm cured, I'm no longer on the drug. It is these days, I grew to appreciate. The days when I don't think much about it. As if I had forgotten, like I've moved on. And I've stopped crying.

But, when night time comes, when I'm just about to go to sleep or even when I'm walking by myself, it slowly comes back to me. Just when I thought it was over, my mind recalls what would have been best to forget. And I let it run freely, because I don't want it to stop. I want to remember, I want to visit those memories, I want to live in them. Because I was happy then, I am happy now. Things like that you don't easily forget, you wouldn't want to. Somehow, I realize that it was the best. And as sad as I am, I've stopped crying.

I don't know what I would do, if one day I would wake up to find that it's really gone. That I can't bring it back. I don't feel sad or angry or dissappointed anymore, I don't even feel happy. I no longer feel anything. It's like there's nothing left inside. They took it away and perhaps I had welcomed them somehow. The things I did and did not do led me to give it up. And a new feeling would emerged, a feeling of loss. Because it was such a part of me that when it's gone, I also lost myself. Maybe then the tears would come.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Ezra Amin

I used to have (still do actually) this huge crush on a model, I call him the hotlink guy. He's so gorgeous! I think it was in 2001 or 2002 that I saw his add in Galaxie and I was like, "Oh my God! Yum yum...”

I was thinking about him just now and so I keyed in his name and found out that he was actually one of CLEO's 50 most eligible men for 2002. This is from tm net.

|Ezra Passardi Amin| 25 | Leo | Inline skater

He's hot!! So, I've been trying to find out about this guy for so long. It was not until last year that a friend of mine said that his name is Ezra Amin and he lives in Subang Jaya. I tried to look him up on the internet before, but I suppose I wasn't looking hard enough. Or perhaps I've still yet to master the art of stalking a guy, which would then add to my extra-curricular activities. Funny spending weekends crouching behind a bush with a pair of binoculars, sipping coffee with extra caffeine. Might as well bring a blanket and some night vision gear if you decide to spend the night.

Anyway, I was thinking (man, it's becoming a habit). If it's possible to actually go out into the real world and find him like they do in the movies. Wouldn't it be interesting? I'm sure most of the population on Earth have had some sort of a celebrity crush, and out of the majority, how much would actually make the effort to give it a shot? I know Antonio Banderas had a crush on Melanie Griffith when he came to America, and look at him now, married with kids to the love of his life. But then again, not everybody is as hot as dear lovely Antonio.

Which brings me to this question, if I were to pull off something like that and really find him, what the heck am I suppose to do next? I'd imagine myself standing in front of him with a tiddly-dee look in my face, arms outstretched, drooling, "I can't help it... it's sooo beautifuuul..."

Oh, that's just the hotlink guy, I hate to think what I would do to Vale. Actually, there are plenty of things I would love to do to Vale. But lets not discuss it here, shall we. I might get ideas.

So, although I have so many crushes, that don’t necessarily mean that I'm the type who chases around everything I fancy. (actually I do, but very discreetly it's almost untrue). But I love having that feeling of hopeless adoration on someone who is ten times worthy of such affection from a girl unworthy of him, or at least you think he is. It brings a sense of excitement like falling in love, only this time it's perfectly harmless because you realistically don't have that much expectation in it. So when you have nothing to expect, you won't get hurt if nothing ever happens.

The downside is, sometimes you wish that something does happen.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Of Mice and Men II

I think I'm becoming more and more sentimental these days. I finished reading the book, it grabbed me more than the film I must say. I haven't cried like that since Valentino Rossi turned me down the other day when I proposed, which was never! Talk about spellbinding.

I was so overwhelmed by a sense of dark anticipation, Steinbeck's superb voice didn't help in calming my nerves as the ultimate end gets closer and closer. What makes it worse was *spoiler* that the act of ending the big guy's life was so heartbreakingly methodical, full of purpose that the hesitation only added to the finality of the action. You can't bring back what's gone, ever.

I love the story. It hits me right in the face of how I've been mistaken. How life darkest truth is revealed with clarity, more often than not, the closest that you can get to your dreams is by dreaming them. You can't have what you want all the time. That's why you have to be accepting and loose some expectations that might cause you so much unneccessary hurt.

Yup, it does sound a tiny bit pessimistic. Then again, that's what being realistic is all about.

The second thing I love about the story is the fact that unconditional love is highlighted so nicely. *Spoiler* George loved Lennie with all his heart, he cares about him, that's why he was all so controlling because apart from the love that he felt, he was also afraid. He was afraid that Lennie might get himself in trouble, he was afraid that Lennie might get hurt. And he doesn't want that because that means he will then be faced with the pain of Lennie getting hurt. Brings protectiveness into a different level, are you protecting him only because you don't want him to get hurt, or are you controlling him so that he won't cause you any pain by his actions. I guess it works in both ways. So when it comes to making decisions, who’s being selfish now?

I’ve been reading too much these days, but I’m glad that I’m back to my old obsessive book-lover self. I just hope I might get my story writing momentum that I had back in MRSM. Man, back then I was unstoppable, I spend late hours typing away stories from my stash of weird ideas. I just need the right time, I guess. Right now, it’s all about absorbing and not letting go of that one small dream of becoming a divine storyteller.

Yup, I’m a dreamer awright.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Why I'll always wear these bracelets...

Three years.

It's hard to believe that it has been three years since my lovely sis passed away. So many things have happened, things I wish I could share with her.

When I went to Sepang to see Valentino Rossi two years ago, I bet if she was still alive, she would be the one who took me there. She knew that I was insanely in love with Vale, I remembered her coming home one day many years ago with a Malaysian MotoGP programme book that her company did. It featured a full page poster of Vale of which I've brought everywhere from MRSM Pendang to UiTM Bukit Sekilau to Seksyen 17. It's all wrinkly now, but then Vale all smiling face was a reminder of one of the happiest day of my life, when my sis said, "I have something for you." She always had something to give, always with something to share.

Kak Ima had always been fascinated with stones, tiger eye, rose quartz, carnelian, to name a few were among her favorites. She gave me my first stone bracelet, black obsidians flanked by clear crystal quartzs, for no special occasion. I was so in awe of the shining little globes that I was sure that I'm gonna wear it forever. She said obsidian is my birthstone. It was no wonder that, when my 15th birthday drew near, she couldn't wait to give me my second bracelet, which was a string of blue obsidian.

I almost never took the pair off, I have it everywhere I go, even in showers. It was always there, in every pictures I have ever taken. Even when she was gone, I almost refused to change the dirtied strings because that was among the last things that she did. One night a couple of days before she died, she took all of our bracelets, my mom included, and piece them together with new strings. It was not after a year later that I finally visited the old shop in CM with Kak Sue, mummy and Jannah. I got my paycheck with RTM so I wanted to treat the girls to something that would last a lifetime. I know that was what Kak Ima would do. She was always giving unconditionally and with that she taught me how to be generous with what I have.

I got mummy her lapis lazuli. And for the other two, we decided to each get a carnelian in remembrance of our sweetheart. She adored her carnelian. Red stones around my wrist, warmth of a friend that I would always feel when I picture her laughter. So, each time I look at what I have that reminds me of her, apart from the al-Fatihah, there’s always the feeling of intense gladness that when blood gave us each other, love immediately kept us together, and even now I still have her in my mind.

It's amazing that once you've accepted the way things are, you no longer feel enveloped by a sense of forlorn discontent, instead you feel happy that even if it was for such a short time that God graced us with her presence, she left so many wonderful things on Earth. Not just earthly possessions, beautiful memories, full of love, that would forever be there to make us be thankful for the gift of life.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Of Mice and Men

The best part about taking TESL is that you could really explore literature. Have engaging discussions about characters that inspire and shock you into reality. Literary works, although fiction, become so unforgettable because they remind us so much about the real world especially the darker sadder part. They move us in such a way that sometimes it’s like a slap on the face.

Watched of Mice and Men starring John Malkovich and Gary Sinese today. Too bad I didn't get to read Steinbeck's book first before Mdm Adzura had us all watch it. I was even late for class but in the end managed to get a sore bum seater at the very front. It was worth it.

Before I give a literature review, I'm gonna have to read the book now. So I'll just get straight to the point. I cried. Hot salty tears were streaming down my face towards the end of the movie. It was so beautifully sad. I can't help it. I rarely cry in movies, I repeat, rarely. Hindi films can't hurt me, ever. But occasionally some brilliant producer managed to talk an awesome director into making a huge-ass great movie and all my defenses would come tumbling down. I almost sound pissed off because of it, that's because I don't like to cry. I hate crying.

But it feels good though. It makes me feel all womanly nice, like my heart is actually in the right place.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Color Quiz II

ColorQuiz.comAna took the free personality test!

"Seeks affectionate, satisfying and harmonious rela..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

It's time for that quiz again. The last time I did it, it was so freakingly fun that I decided to have a go at it again. So let's see what's up now.

Your Existing Situation
The existing situation contains critical or dangerous elements for which it is imperative that some solution be found. This may lead to sudden, even reckless, decisions. Self-willed and rejects any advice from others.

Yeah, whatever that has happened required me to make a decision. Should I stay rooted on my old mindless beliefs or re-evaluate my current position? I chose the latter so that I could achieve my purpose on Earth, which is I believe, to be happy with who I am and what I do. I must agree that I am stubborn at times and most people would say that I never listened. The thing is, I do accept what others have to say, but only in my own time. I can't be forced to swallow the stuff that I do not agree at first, but given the right discovery, I'll usually realize it in the end.

Your Stress Sources
Feels that life has far more to offer and that there are still important things to be achieved--that life must be experienced to the fullest. As a result, she pursues her objectives with a fierce intensity that will not let go of things. Becomes deeply involved and runs the risk of being unable to view things with sufficient objectivity, or calmly enough; is therefore in danger of becoming agitated and of exhausting her nervous energy. Cannot leave things alone and feels she can only be at peace when she has finally reached her goal.

That basically sums up my obsession with that particular person. I've always believed that there are more to it than meets the eye. Like the feelings I have for him would be totally pointless if it's not dealt seriously enough. I didn't want it to be trivial because it was really crucial to me. Like a crossroad I have to take that would determine what I would dream from there. And as mentioned, I was in the risk of loosing myself in the crazy pursuit of making him mine. When all I really wanted was not to own him, not at all, but to never ever loose the kind of happiness we share every time we're having fun together. I'm glad to say that I'm happier now than I have ever been particularly at the start of these whole ramblings about the one guy that was supposed to make me happy. I've realized that I don't need a person that can make me happy, I just need a person that I am happy just being with. This is where my soul mates step in.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. Sensitive and sentimental, but conceals this from all except those very close to her.
Feels that she cannot do much about her existing problems and difficulties and that she must make the best of things as they are. Able to achieve satisfaction from sexual activity.

Like I said, there's nothing much I could do except to accept things as they are. I am a bit softhearted, you see. There's that sex bit again, guess certain things never change.

Your Desired Objective
Seeks affectionate, satisfying and harmonious relationships. Desires an intimate union, in which there is a love, self-sacrifice and mutual trust.

Notice that there is no jealousy, envy, possessiveness. That is the kind of perfect relationship I am aiming for. The kind that is built on unconditional love without fear of being rejected and played by. If I were to get hooked up with anybody in the future, it would be because we don't need each other to be happy, but by us being together, we are at our happiest. Respect is the word people, he would respect who I am and the way that I am and would never think of changing me(as I would do the same thing.) And even if I were to change, it would be because I want to and not because I feel obligated to do so. The love that I want is the one where my part of the relationship is to make sure that my responsibilities are met and I can be happy with what I have, his part of the deal is no less different. Sounds pretty impossible? This is where the old cliché comes in.

Your Actual Problem
Needs to achieve a stable and peaceful condition, enabling her to free herself of the worry that she may be prevented from achieving all the things she wants.

What have I been telling you? No worries, I am happy with the choices that I made just recently, I've accepted things as they are. And please take note that I am glad that of all men that could have made me realize the things that I know now, I'm glad it's him. What we have, the unconditional love that I have for him that is without any expectations, or obligations and obsessions is truly the best thing that could have ever happened. I'm so relieved that I get to see how just by being with him, without ever making him mine, has always made my heart sing. And my heart will continue to sing every time we see each other again because happiness is when you yourself decide to be happy.

Psycho Project III

Two weeks ago I dragged Justynn in for the Saiko photography project. This time the supposed theme that I was aiming for was innocence, and Naim ( was my photographer. They thought of picking one model per one photographer so I got Naim, he's one heck of a good guy in his field.

So I wore a white summer dress and started posing for my very own photographer. It was like before but even more fun. The setting was in this huge unfinished house (more like a mansion to me) with lotsa windows and superb lighting. I think I like this setting much better because its not like the last Goth adventure with me tied to a rope from God knows where.

I'm not exactly sure if I managed to pull off the innocence thingy but I guess its more of the look of a kind of sorrowful longing or lost love. I feel sad when I look at the shots because when they were taken, I know I really placed myself to feel all the sadness in the world, or at least a really big quarter of it, or maybe just a little small sum.

If I were to become a singer and come out with an album. I'll definitely use the pictures taken then for my singles. I've got a couple of ideas for song titles already.

"Needless longing"

Inflatable by palancut

I have a feeling that it's called inflatable because my face is bloated like a balloon.

"Leave a scar"

grrrr by palancut

This is wicked. The white spot is actually reflected light from the window pane.

"Let me go"

untouched by palancut

I love this one because of the focus on the hand with the wire. Man, it was practically digging into my skin, but it turned out good after all.

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I'm not sure why I enjoy having my pictures taken, I don't consider myself to be sooo vain (then again what narcissistic, shadow-hugging, mirror-kissing girl would admit that), but it fascinates me how the human emotion can be summed up in what particular shot. I love to investigate the effect of that on people.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Salt and Cooking

I had a very peculiar dream. I was cooking (nope, that's not the peculiar part). I was making gulai ayam masak lemak cili api, I've put all the ingredients inside except for the most crucial of all, which is salt. My reasoning in this dream was that, I wanted to wait for the exact specific moment to toss in the salt to make the cooking superb. That there is actually one specific point in time to put in the salt so that the cooking would be incredibly sumptuous.

I don't know why, but I turned my back away from the pot for just one second and then suddenly the camera zoomed into the pot and I saw that it was half empty. I saw my brothers eating my gulai and I heard them say,
"Gee, Ana. This is really good, if it weren't too tasteless."
"I think you should have put in more salt."

Impatient little imps.

When I woke up, I realize the significance of this dream.

I can wait, forever if I want to, for the right moment, the exact time to do whatever that needs to be done. But the things is, other people don't wait the same way as you. Time goes by without you having a say in it at all.

When I was talking to Faizah about it, she told me that I could have put in the salt at anytime, I should just do it. Instead, I chose to wait and wait and wait and then I was too late to make any difference, I waited in vain.

My point is, should I keep on waiting for something only to see it gone in the end? There is that risk that it wouldn't work out in the end. Why should I be the one that has to suffer everyday hoping that someday things will turn out exactly as I hope it would be? That someday I'll see the fruits of my constant and never-ending effort to get what I wanted. Why should I hurt myself for anyone?

I don't want to wait anymore. I'm just gonna walk on by.