Philosophical cow dung on the life of little Ms. Imperfectly Fine.

Monday, December 26, 2005

Go Go Go!!!

I had an accident. A genuine car crash, wait a minute... Correction; it was a kart crash.
Last week, my good-humored and well-intentioned friends, that consists of (in alphabetical order) Aidan, Amin, Amir and Justynn, talked me into having a go at the go-kart. Thanks to my dear and lovely Justynn, poor little me, having no previous experience driving more than 80kmph, reluctantly placed my left foot on the brake and the other on the accelerator, as my hands nervously gripped on the steering wheel.

I was bloody nervous. When the guy jumpstarted the engine, I released the break carefully and the little thing started to move. I was the first of the five to go particularly because; I just wanted to get it over and done with.

Man, it was sooo cool. At first it was pretty slow and scary but when it picked up speed, I became more and more confident and started to enjoy myself, like I really really enjoyed myself. When I took my first corner, I heartily congratulate little inexperienced me for a nice turn of the wheel. A tip from Aidan rang in my ear the whole time, brake into corners, and accelerate when getting out. I managed to stay inside the track, well, most of the time.

When you become more and more confident, you start to get a little ambitious. That was what happened to me and here is the story. I was picking up speed as I grew used to the little thing and seeing the gang way in front, I wanted it to go faster and faster. I swerved the car into a tight corner and this is entirely my bad, I can't remember what actually happened, but all of a sudden the car refused to comply and ran straight into the protective barrier. My little speed-devil jammed me into the row of tires and got stuck there. The first thought that crossed my head seconds before the crash was, 'Oh, God. Please don't die!'


When I opened my eyes, I couldn't see anything except for the pitch blackness of the tires that was practically in front of my helmeted face. I've got battle scars on the back of my right hand, with tire tracks possibly permanently imprinted on it. I skinned my hips and hurt my shoulders. But I lived to tell the tale. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this was not the end of little Ms. Ana's adventure on the little wheels.

After they drag my poor bruised little kart out of the toppled mountain of tires. They restarted the engine and I was good and eager to go. Another lap brought me back to the site of the crash and as I carefully steer my way, I realized how easy it was if I had been more careful and a bit more experienced. So it is true that experience is one of the best teachers, pain is also on the list. The rain prevented me from having a couple of extra laps but I had one of the best first-times in my life.

Listening as I recounted what happened before and after the crash, the guys agreed that I was well on my way of becoming a speed junkie. I was on a high.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

part of me

A part of me is glad that A* and I are still friends, like before or perhaps even better. I would like to think that we’ve gotten passed everything that could have prevented us from returning to the comfort of an honest friendship. When I saw him the other day, I was glad that he treated me exactly as I wanted him to, which is as he would with his wacky little friend. But that doesn’t mean that my feelings for him have changed overnight, far from it. I’m appreciating the fact that this is one relationship I’m sure will last, unlike most of my previous engagements when feelings and ego collide.

I’m sick and tired of loosing a good friend because of my stupid emotional investments on them that went wrong. I’ve always been bad at mending relationships post-breakups. I just don’t know how. It’s like sever all ties and hope to God things would be alright for poor little me. I would forgive but I wouldn’t forget, ever. It’s better to move on without any guilt and regret. And even though my past would occasionally cross my path I would just say hi and turn the other way. I know I’m the sore loser on this, but I just can’t bring myself to do more.

So when something all too familiar is happening all over again, I looked back and see how I had screwed up what could have been enduring friendships. Misunderstandings and mixed ups that could have been cleared up if I was a little more patient and empathetic. More importantly, one trait that seems to stick out in all of my broken relationships was this, when the particular guy comes and I feel that we connect, I would be eager to establish some kind of a special bond with him. I took this for the possibility of the real thing. And when I realized that it wasn’t, I panicked and it would all self-destruct. And the rest was history.

If I didn’t get my feelings mixed up in the first place, I would have more real friends now that I can always count on for support. If I wasn’t too complex, I would not have gotten my heart broken through many false hopes and disappointments. If I wasn’t that superficial, I might not turn out to be as I am now. If I was that lucky, I might not be writing these thoughts down.

No regrets.

The past was filled with mistakes and bad choices. I’m glad that A* turned out to be a blessing after all. Between repeating the past and his friendship, it’s a breeze to choose. A part of me is glad that I’m able to say that this is what I really need. Unfortunately, the other part still doubts whether I would be satisfied with not having what I really want.

Well, who says it’s going to be easy anyway?

Mummy used to tell me that I always have to learn the hard way. Never mind how, at least I learn, right? So there you have it, no worries, no doubts, and no regrets.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Post Rock the world VI

My body is aching all over. I got battle scars that consist of bumps and bruises in my arms and kneecaps, shin, ribs. My neck hurts from too much head banging without warm-ups. Kids, with that I mean minors, tried to pick me up, and on top of that I got sexually harassed. Not saying that it was totally worth it but, Rock the World 6 was indeed a blast.

We were among the early birds. Since we couldn't bring outside food and drinks, my mineral water nearly didn't make it through. Quick thinking, "Kalau untuk makan ubat macamana?" Those very nice people let us through, my bottle was safe. Hmm... Where did I put my medicine? Let me see, oh yeah, I don't have any.

We had to wait close to two hours. But when it finally started we were at the center front of the stage. What followed was a series of skilful maneuvers to the very front behind the dividing bars. We had to endure the heat and sweat and the occasional grabs, those bastards, but the live music managed to distract me from thinking too much about it. Some of the craziest things that happened was, people were crowd-surfing and I don't know why (maybe it's because I was wearing a red t-shirt all bright and easy) but people kept sending them over to us, Jannah was standing behind me being my bodyguard and all as it was my first RTW. I think I got knock on the head about three times, and although my vision was spinning at one time, I shook it off with the good old rock and roll.

My favorite performances was from (let me see if I can remember, you can never really tell after a couple of possible concussions) OAG, SevenCollar T-Shirt, The A.C.A.B, Frequency Cannon, Cassandra, in short the line-up was pretty good. I especially liked OAG's set because the guitarist was cute and nice enough to smile and put his hand up for me. Rock on!

SCTS will always be my favorite underground band. Before they came in, we switched places to the far right of the stage after the short break. There was this one dude who after seeing my desperation for a good spot to enjoy the show without too much hassle, offered a spot in front of him. He was the least dodgy guy because I felt quite safe enough. Me and Jannah finally got to the very front and we were waiting for the next band when who would have thought, Fidi came with two mineral water bottles for us. I was screaming in delight, it's been a while since I saw him last. He couldn't hang around though but we managed to squeeze in our gratitude. We shared the water with Adib, who spotted us on the big screen and came to join us, and a couple of other thirsty dudes.

After SCTS finished performing, we quickly made our way to the LRT station (a quick visit to the wash room to change and freshen up) to meet my friends in Kelana Jaya. They were playing futsal and thought I might be in time to cheer them on. Besides, it's Aidan's birthday. And being such good cheerleaders, they won. Birthday boy scored five goals in that game.

Friday, December 16, 2005

One sms

I'm a fool and I must admit this.

One sms is all it took to wipe away all the negativity in my heart wrenching lovesick sob story. One ‘hey!’ and everything is right back where it started. If I hadn't known better, I think he might be reading this blog. Doubt it, though. But, whatever is at work, please continue.

I was sleeping when I heard my phone. Eyes blurry but my heart was beating a little too fast for comfort, like it knows something heart stopping was on the brink of taking place. One look.

Oh my God...

Just couldn't believe that after all the heartache of constantly doubting every single thing that concerns me and him, he came back. And I'm a certified dumb-ass for ever confusing the feeling of insecurity with feeling like I've been wronged somehow and it isn't fair. I've made a fool of myself, and if people are laughing at him, I'll join them gladly. Funny how you tend to look at things, only through your own eyes, blurry.

I'd like to think that he'll linger around for sure. This time, I'm doing it right. You can't loose a person you care so much so many times because you just don't learn from your mistakes. My friend once said that 'move on' is such a harsh word to use, like your feelings are not suppose to matter in it. So instead, I'd say 'brace yourself'.


Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Speak up.

I kept asking myself, why things turn out as they did. Could I have prevented it? The answer is yes. Knowing A* as I’m beginning to understand him now, I realize that there must be a reason for him not to tell me about her. A reason for not ever mentioning it at all when he could, and saying that he also like me. I should have taken it as it is and respected his silence instead of biting the bait that my friend had threw in. I ask about something I wasn’t supposed to know, and why I’m saying that is because if he wanted me to know about it, he could have said it himself.

And the knowledge I gained from my friend prompted me to act foolishly, saying that I know about her now and that we’ll be friends as I will keep it that way. I honestly thought that he would say something about it, make my dream come true by saying that he really likes me and would want us to be more than just friends. But he never replied, even to this day.

I look at how things were before, everything was perfect, almost at least. Even the night I told him that I like him and he made my heart swell with joy by saying the nicest things about how he sees me in his life. I’m a burst of sunshine or something like that. We connect. And afterwards it wasn’t the-morning-after effect that you tend to have when this things happen, when you feel awkward about it all. We talked and share stuff, exactly as I would have wanted it to be.

But suddenly it happened, one stupid sms and the next thing I know, he’s not talking. Before this, he would always find the time to reply, even if it’s just one short sms in a hurry, I know that he cares. The small efforts that he made really brought me hope. It breaks my heart knowing that he chose not to care anymore.

Would things be different if I continued to be ignorant of her? Wait until I hear it from him and not jump to conclusions based on unapproved information. Maybe that’s why he stopped talking, angry at me for prying on his personal life, wishing to have nothing to do with me. Or perhaps he’s looking into it and trying to weigh the situation. He might be confused and trying to sort his life out first before doing more damage to it by saying things he wasn’t suppose to say.

I’m upset, disappointed and angry because he’s doing this, as if he’s punishing me. Right now, I care more about loosing him altogether as a friend than I care more about being that one special person in his life. How could he refuse to talk to me when all I wanted was for us to be honest about each other and friends like we were before? Until I hear from him again, guess I’ll never know.

(Jesse Valenzuela, Robin Wilson, Marshall Crenshaw)
I didn’t ask
They shouldn’t have told me
At first I’d laugh, but now
It’s sinking in fast
Whatever they’ve sold me
Well baby I don’t want to take advice from fools
I’ll just figure everything is cool
Until I hear it from you
It gets hard
The memory’s faded
Who gets what they say
It’s likely they’re just jealous and jaded
Well maybe I don’t want to take advice from fools
I’ll just figure everything is cool
Until I hear it from you
Until I hear it from you
I can’t let it get me off
Or break up my train of thought
As far as I know, nothing’s wrong
Until I hear it from you
Still thinking about not living without it
Outside looking in
Til we’re talking about it, not stepping around it
Maybe I don’t want to take advice from fools
I’ll just figure everything is cool
Until I hear it from you...

Saturday, December 10, 2005

May we end up happy, amin...

If I could only take back the things I said and pretend it never happened, I let my confession slip, but not the part where I told him I found out about her and why he never said anything about it. I wish even though I knew, I had never let it bothered me; I wish I kept quiet about it and let it be.

Too late for that, I drove him away.

Guess to him the friendship wasn't such a big thing in the first place. It's so easy how he deals with this, by not dealing with it at all, by refusing to acknowledge me when what I desperately wanted was just honesty on his part. Sure he said he didn't do anything wrong, but did he do the right thing after all?

I thought what I felt initially was bad, the part where I was lovesick for him, frustrated because he doesn't know and wished that we could just be together. But I'll tell you what's worse.

What's worse than being lovesick is that you realize you can never get over it even though all this while, you're convinced that it’ll pass.

What's worse than being frustrated because he doesn't know is when you finally open up your heart only to see him not doing anything about it or say the things you wanted so much to hear.

What's worse than wishing we could just be together is just plain obvious, the wish won't ever come true because although he can make it happen, he chose not to.

As much as I tried to use reverse psychology and saying that I hate him every so often because he's such a snail and all the moments when it seemed that we connected were just pure natural acting skills on his part, I know I still love him, yeah, I’m using the L word. And if there is any hope of us being together, I'll wrap myself around it. I know it would leave little room for anyone else, but that's just the way I see it. Face it, I'm sadistic.

I thought even if he's not the one, the connection we have as two good friends would always be there. He's that soul mate I once talked about. I see us jamming together, playing futsal, staying up late laughing our heads off and talking about nothing and everything at the same time, looking at city lights like watching stars in the night, warming ourselves with hot drinks and old stories, teasing each other and stealing knowing glances.

I won't forget the little things he said, small promises that he made of which if he was to keep them all, means he's not doing such a good job of it at the moment.

If I can change what I said, I won't say I know about her and regret him not telling me when I asked. I won't say regardless of it all, nothing has changed, and we're still friends, that I'll keep it that way. Instead, I'll say "When are you going to get a new guitar so you could teach me that Gin Blossoms song?" Too late for that, he won't listen anymore.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Debate, anyone?

I wish I could blame my not being able to perform that well in Royals to some guy, but I know that would just be passing the buck. I don't know why I wasn't great as compared to NHSD, maybe that's just it, and I’m not great when it comes to debating, not yet at least.

Our team did break but our dreams were crushed during quarterfinals. I felt like I did my best, guess it wasn't good enough. Am I not getting better at this? Or am I just not cut out for it in the first place?

Example, I have the tendency to write everything I want to say down, word for word, and that according to everybody is bad. Personally, if I don't write what I'm going to say like that, I won't know what else to say next. It's like I'm really slow and need the comfort of knowing the important stuff is just under my nose. I know I have to get over it, develop some kind of point by point thing so that I won't have to rely too much on what I've written. It takes practice and pure guts. Both I obviously lack.

Furthermore, I think I'm shy at times when I'm not supposed to, for instance when I want to get my points across. I know the things I want to say but when I feel all eyes around me I get so nervous I loose the confidence of knowing what I'm saying is truly important. And I falter, that's where the problem comes. Sometimes, I even missed the whole idea, rendering what I've said utterly pointless. That's just plain dumb. And I can't lie my way out of an argument, easily conjuring up facts and statistics. It always amazes me to see debaters do something like that when they feel like it. It's like so easy, "Ladies and gentlemen, according to the New York Times *insert lie here*, therefore *insert logic here*" Smart.

I want to be good at this but sometimes the thought of just accepting the fact that I'm better at doing something else like theater is so tempting, I could easily be led astray if I just pretend that I don't enjoy it as much as I used to. But in actuality, I'm enjoying it more and more. I need to constantly remind myself to keep at it because it's one of the best things that have happened in my life to which I owe so much.

MMU Open is next, here we go.