I wish I could blame my not being able to perform that well in Royals to some guy, but I know that would just be passing the buck. I don't know why I wasn't great as compared to NHSD, maybe that's just it, and I’m not great when it comes to debating, not yet at least.
Our team did break but our dreams were crushed during quarterfinals. I felt like I did my best, guess it wasn't good enough. Am I not getting better at this? Or am I just not cut out for it in the first place?
Example, I have the tendency to write everything I want to say down, word for word, and that according to everybody is bad. Personally, if I don't write what I'm going to say like that, I won't know what else to say next. It's like I'm really slow and need the comfort of knowing the important stuff is just under my nose. I know I have to get over it, develop some kind of point by point thing so that I won't have to rely too much on what I've written. It takes practice and pure guts. Both I obviously lack.
Furthermore, I think I'm shy at times when I'm not supposed to, for instance when I want to get my points across. I know the things I want to say but when I feel all eyes around me I get so nervous I loose the confidence of knowing what I'm saying is truly important. And I falter, that's where the problem comes. Sometimes, I even missed the whole idea, rendering what I've said utterly pointless. That's just plain dumb. And I can't lie my way out of an argument, easily conjuring up facts and statistics. It always amazes me to see debaters do something like that when they feel like it. It's like so easy, "Ladies and gentlemen, according to the New York Times *insert lie here*, therefore *insert logic here*" Smart.
I want to be good at this but sometimes the thought of just accepting the fact that I'm better at doing something else like theater is so tempting, I could easily be led astray if I just pretend that I don't enjoy it as much as I used to. But in actuality, I'm enjoying it more and more. I need to constantly remind myself to keep at it because it's one of the best things that have happened in my life to which I owe so much.
MMU Open is next, here we go.