Philosophical cow dung on the life of little Ms. Imperfectly Fine.

Monday, February 27, 2006

The moment we were kings

We were in the car, checking out my songs through the laptop when Yat opened the file to Silverchair's Diorama lyrics. And what followed was us singing our heads off with the car windows down and everyone looking, but we were in a world of our own, we were kings inside Amir's little 'seaweed' green machine.

For the entire ride in Diorama, we knew that we were in our ideal universe, not a thought of our troubles crosssed our minds, nothing to stop us from having the time of our lives. We were just belting out songs in three different keys, which I must point out, was not an attempt to harmonize. We kept on singing one song after another, where across the night lies tuna in the brine, and after all these years, we finally had the greatest view.

It was amazing how music and song had a certain intoxicating effect but they didn't leave us feeling numb or drunk, instead collectively we felt great. It is even safe to say that we never felt that good for a long time. Spent and having our vocal cords stretched with loving ease, our hearts were full. We were complete.

But the feeling of euphoria lasted only up until we realized that the moment was gone. Although in our heads we could still hear the laughter in our voices, the sound of our joy was distant, like it didn't happen just five minutes ago, it slipped away. We became old when reality sank in, and our doubts, responsibilities, obligations and expectations seemed to ram their ugly heads to knock us flat to the ground. We were helpless, as much as we wanted to get up and get back to the moment, to seize the day and be spontaneous and free, we just couldn't.

Each of us, had something to hold us back. We knew that we could never have what we want all the time. We understood it and we accepted it and we let it be. Silence put a blanket over us, there was nothing we could say or do.

And suddenly we woke up and we talked about the moment when we sang with our souls, and somehow the happiness lingered. So, perhaps the memory of it is enough to sustain our spirits. By remembering the good times, we hold on to the idea of the next time when the ideal becomes real, and dreamers no longer need to close their eyes to the real world, because their dreams have become their reality.

Thanks, guys. For singing the words to our song.

Monday, February 20, 2006

This time

Take Me Away - Lifehouse

This time what I want is you
There is no one else
Who can take your place
This time you burn me with your eyes
You see past all the lies
You take it all away
I’ve seen it all
It was never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you

Take me away
Take me away
I’ve got nothing left to say
Just take me away

I try to make my way to you
But still I feel so lost
I don’t know what else I can do
Cause I’ve seen it all
It was never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you

(repeat chorus)

Don’t give up on me yet
Don’t forget who I am
I know I’m not there yet
But don’t let me stay here alone

I’ve seen it all
And it’s never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you
I’ve seen enough
And it’s never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you

(repeat chorus)
Take me away
Take me away

I've finished writing the script. I love it. It's a reflection of my thoughts, a pleasantly distorted version of the truth. If I were to introduce it, I would say;

Can you love someone without expecting anything in return?
No demands, no expectations, no fear of losing that comfort because it shouldn't happen in the first place.
Is unconditional love possible?

Thursday, February 16, 2006

A Reflection

What are these flowers for?
'To congratulate you for putting up a superb show.'
I wasn't acting, what you've seen was the other side of me.


I went home yesterday, my real home, just for the purpose of getting my pda and seeing my 2 adorable little nephews. My, how they've grown. The first thing I saw when I came to the door was Aidil smiling and giggling gleefully when he saw me. Awe... When I opened my arms for a hug, my two nephews grabbed the moment and I had the whole world in my arms.

They are getting smarter and smarter by the day.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Picture Perfect

I've always like visual arts, paintings, photography, scupltures and such. I guess I'm a sucker for things that contain beauty, mystery and honesty. The three things I can never live without. But, as much as I appreciate art, I can't draw, I can never be so good at taking pictures and scuplting would be a no-no since I don't like being around sharp objects that much. I'm practically hopeless I guess.

That's why, I'll jump at the opportunity to be a part of any photography projects. Even though I'll only be the model, it feels good to contribute something in the name of art. Yeah, not to mention the fact that sometimes, Little Ms. Ana can be Little Ms. Vain.

There's something about pictures that can move people in such a way, that anything that touches them is forever imprinted in their minds. Whatever comes afterwards shall be based in that last masterpiece and sometimes nothing is ever enough. You always want something more and more. You never get tired of it.

I used to love using this phrase,

"Oh my God, it's so beautiful. It's perfect like a picture."

It could be the view of the heaven's day wheeling into night, or cotton-candy clouds parading in the sky, or tall sharp skyscrapers like ladders to the top of the world, or two beautiful little boys spinning in circles and laughing when they fall, or one's hand casually resting on another's wrist feeling life coursing through her veins. Yeah, I am sentimental.

Acat once asked me why I would say that silly thing, and I remembered my thirteen year old philosophical self telling him,

"Because, can't you see? It's perfect, like a picture. One artist swift move and the moment is there, caught in time. A pretty picture is perfect because one look and you can see that time had stood still to allow a piece of perfection to escape from nothingness."

Please note that those aren't my thirteen year old philosophical self own words. I can't remember them exactly but I bet the substance was there. Although Acat argued it with me, it was just dismissed as that.

How do you measure perfection? You can't. Perfection is imperfect. Since nobody is perfect, why should one hope to be nobody? Being human and imperfect fits perfectly. But perfect like a picture are the little things that may not be perfect but somehow, it just is. Something without a flaw is a flaw onto itself. Like Gomez Addams of the Addams Family who can't seem to fail at anything, he fails at failing so that's an accomplishment. I know, I'm not leading anywhere and I've said the word perfect with its variations too much already. Shall we move on? Perfect!

By the way, I'm starting my own photography project, with the help of Justynn's Nokia. Check my page out in the links.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Flat batteries II

Will I ever learn? My pda went flat again. I'm not taking the whole blame to it. Honestly I didn't know what happened. One moment it was safely charging itself, and the next it went blank and I couldn't switch it on so I had to plug it into the electric cabel and see everything gone for the second time.

Gone were my pics that I haven't stored in the memory card, scribblings and doodlings of my two adorable nephews. Worst of all, my sms' from one particular person that I've been keeping for old time's sake is no longer in existence. Acat said that it'll be good for me. Make it a fresh start. But it's not like I've been spending hours reading and rereading them. It's got a sentimental value to it and yes I am sentimental. I like keeping things I don't really need just because I like having them. It's as simple as that.

There are always reasons for everything. Perhaps it's true that the flat batteries incedent happen every so often because I really need it. To remind myself how I was taking it for granted, not really making sure that it was properly charged and handled with care. Like people and we tend to take them for granted, perhaps machines have feelings too.

Poor baby, I'll take good care of you, I promise.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Sleepy days

Wales 2004. Getting sleepy or feeling sheepish?

I hate days when I find it so hard to get out of bed. Days when I had just woke up from either a peculiar or an unfinished dream that lingers on. I'll spend the next hour wriggling and turning in bed, with my eyes closed and trying to go back to it quickly before it fades away, but just can't seem to get back that momentum.

I'll be too tired to sleep and too bored to get up. Naturally, if the chances of me going back to sleep is nonexistent, I'll fall into the mode where I'll have to decide between getting up or staying down, which precedes me thinking random silly stuff about nothing and everything at the same time. My thoughts jump from one thing to another, like it's undecisive about what to think or perhaps there's just too much thoughts to filter in or simply because I think too much for my own good.

If my eyes aren't close, they'll be staring straight but not really seeing anything. Like everything is just a blur and as much as I try to focus my eyes to anything so that I can concentrate and organize my thoughts, it just doesn't happen. I'll be staring into nothing, and my mind is a jumble of to-do-lists and bits and pieces of writings of past events.

I hate days when I'm too tired to get up and I'll spend the next hour doing nothing but just to lie on my bed, thinking too much. Sometimes, I'll drag myself into a dark corner in my head to recount the stupid mistakes that I had done way earlier. Self-administering psychological torture, and I ask myself why I can't think of flowers and rainbows and kittens. I'm just not that sunshine motivated, I guess.

But, it does bring some sort of satisfaction, to know that all those not so good stuff that has happened really helped a lot. Reminding me to take things one step at a time and to live the moment with as much passion as I can possibly sum up in a steamy romance novel, to give more respect to my intelligence more than what I'm getting from others because sometimes they tend to take you for granted, to appreciate that although certain things are way beyond reach, it's not totally out of sight.

Somehow, I'll manage to put just enough strength into those arms to push myself up. And the day begins with as much promise as it held the day before. Time to get up and face life as it is and perhaps work to have it my way.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

I'm sorry

I'm not interested in falling in love with you.
I'm still in love with so many others.
I don't need anyone to help me
mend a broken heart because I've fixed it
and it's working fine without your help.
Please don't care about me,
I can't care about you the way you want me to.
I'm still in love with so many others.
I don't want to be in love with you.
It's nothing personal, I just want what I want
And what I want is not you.

2nd place is the 1st loser

Arau open was certainly a blast. Even the 9 hour bus rides were a load of fun. Jannah hitched a ride with us on the the way to UUM saying, "I've saved RM39 already." She got to know most of my debater friends, had a sneak peek at my old crush and agreed that he was adorable like a plush teddy. 'Comelnye, anak sapo ni!' One thing very interesting was that I spent hours talking about cars with my classmate, Zaim, who was clearly openmouthed surprise that I had known that much about it. And we were cracking stupid silly jokes and laughing like a bunch of crazies which was so much fun. Didn't know that he was a good friend to hang out with. Funny guy.

On the night that we arrived at UiTM Perlis, they took us to eat a big seafood dinner in a halal chinese restaurant. We spent about 30 minutes just standing there waiting for a table, to fight for seats if we have to. There were so many people and it was such a long wait. I felt so bad looking over people's shoulders at their juicy crabs and fish fritters, almost drooling. They must have been a little uncomfortable with us hanging around like a bunch of buzzards. In the end we surrendered by going to another place. It was pretty much worth it, for RM5 each we got ikan bakar, sweet and sour shrimps, some spicy crab dish, kailan ikan masin, omelet, sotong goreng tepung, and tom yam. RM5 and the rest was compensated by the club. Being the member of UiTM' s best club of the year does have its benefits. We washed all of those down with a glass of cool watermelon juice. Man, I was a stuffed toy that might have been a pinkish animal with four legs and no neck that night.

The tournament went pretty good. We won all of the breaking rounds, by me being the third speaker or the whip. (Whoppaw!) I was quite surprise that I've managed to come up with quite a lot of good points all throughout, despite the fact that I haven't been reading much and the only update I got on current issues was from Afiq, my debate partner for vc, 10 minutes before we boarded the bus.

Anyway, I felt really good during the debate except when we lost to Hafiedz, our senior, in the finals. Man, it was so close. Yeah, it still felt good though because Danial, my debate trainer, the top debater of UiTM Shah Alam, said that we should have gotten the win. That's a medal all by itself. I always find it hard to debate if Dan's adjudicating. I'll start fumbling and hesitating but thankfully during the finals I improved a bit from the last time he adjudicated me. I guess it's because I wanted to prove myself wrong.
No, Ana. There's nothing in his face that's freaking you out. And no, him wearing sun glasses will not change anything.

But, he's a good sport in making an effort to not pressure me so much and being so very helpful. But, it doesn't change the fact that we got 2nd place. It means that we were the first one to lose, we are the No1 losers! I hate thinking too much.

I've got a couple of silly jokes from the trip.

What's green and red and goes round and round at 100mph?

Kermit the frog in a blender.

Froggachino, coming up!