Philosophical cow dung on the life of little Ms. Imperfectly Fine.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Sleepy days

Wales 2004. Getting sleepy or feeling sheepish?

I hate days when I find it so hard to get out of bed. Days when I had just woke up from either a peculiar or an unfinished dream that lingers on. I'll spend the next hour wriggling and turning in bed, with my eyes closed and trying to go back to it quickly before it fades away, but just can't seem to get back that momentum.

I'll be too tired to sleep and too bored to get up. Naturally, if the chances of me going back to sleep is nonexistent, I'll fall into the mode where I'll have to decide between getting up or staying down, which precedes me thinking random silly stuff about nothing and everything at the same time. My thoughts jump from one thing to another, like it's undecisive about what to think or perhaps there's just too much thoughts to filter in or simply because I think too much for my own good.

If my eyes aren't close, they'll be staring straight but not really seeing anything. Like everything is just a blur and as much as I try to focus my eyes to anything so that I can concentrate and organize my thoughts, it just doesn't happen. I'll be staring into nothing, and my mind is a jumble of to-do-lists and bits and pieces of writings of past events.

I hate days when I'm too tired to get up and I'll spend the next hour doing nothing but just to lie on my bed, thinking too much. Sometimes, I'll drag myself into a dark corner in my head to recount the stupid mistakes that I had done way earlier. Self-administering psychological torture, and I ask myself why I can't think of flowers and rainbows and kittens. I'm just not that sunshine motivated, I guess.

But, it does bring some sort of satisfaction, to know that all those not so good stuff that has happened really helped a lot. Reminding me to take things one step at a time and to live the moment with as much passion as I can possibly sum up in a steamy romance novel, to give more respect to my intelligence more than what I'm getting from others because sometimes they tend to take you for granted, to appreciate that although certain things are way beyond reach, it's not totally out of sight.

Somehow, I'll manage to put just enough strength into those arms to push myself up. And the day begins with as much promise as it held the day before. Time to get up and face life as it is and perhaps work to have it my way.