Philosophical cow dung on the life of little Ms. Imperfectly Fine.

Friday, September 30, 2005

Being dramatic

Patient: I don't understand doctor, I thought you said I was the picture of health.
Doctor: Yes, but the frame is bent, you see.

I should stop being so melodramatic and hopeless about the situation that I am in. Sure, it's terrible and if I could just grab anybody and be on my way happily ever after, I would. But, it doesn't work that way. It's a bit complicated. Things like this always happen for a reason, and I'm beginning to think that the reason is because I have always been so sure of myself and it's high time I learn the hard way.

Surprisingly, after my first entry. I feel a whole lot better. I even got feedback from a couple of friends who read them. Well wishers, mostly. How thoughtful! A friend even said he understands what I'm going through since he's also experiencing the same thing. He went for it, but it didn't turn out good. She's now with some guy. That's not very comforting, is it?

Oh, well. Life goes on. As much as I want to kick myself for feeling this way, cannot la, it'll hurt you know. Be positive, at least my options are open (and still limited).

I'll try not to be too mushy-mushy. I'll keep it to a minimum la from now on... if I can.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Lovesick ramblings

Lirik Lagu Dewa
Judul : Kasidah Cinta
Album : Cintailah Cinta
Ciptaan : Ahmad Dhani
Dm6 A9/C#

Ku jatuh cinta kepadamu

Dm6 A9/C#

Saat pertama bertemu

C5 C Am Em Fdim

Salahkah … aku terlalu mencintai…

Em Cm

Dirimu … yang tak mungkin

G9 Fdim

Mencintai aku …

Em G D

Oh… Tuhan tolong …

G Bsus-B

Reff : Aku langsung jatuh cinta

E D-5

Kepadamu …

G Bsus-B

Cinta pada pandangan pertama …

A C Fdim B

Cinta yang bisa merubah jalan

Em Em/D C#m7-5 Bsus

Hidupku jadi lebih … berarti

C-5 C Am G9 Edim

Oh … mungkin, hanya … keajaiban Tuhan

Am Cm G9 Edim

Yang bisa… jadikan…Hambanya yang cantik

Am D

Menjadi… milikku …

Dm7 A9/C#

Aku bukanlah … laki-laki …

Dm7 A9/C#

Yang mudah jatuh hatinya

I fell in love with you the second we met. I know it sounds like it has been repeated countless of times. But it just happened without my knowledge, beyond my control. I realize it when I could not stop thinking about how your face lit up when you smile. The way you carelessly laid your back to the chair and looked at me and listened like it mattered so much, like I mattered a lot. And even if I could have stopped it, I won't change anything. I won't change how these little things made me feel.

Is it wrong to feel this way when you may never feel the same for me? Is it wrong to long for something beautiful and hope that it is mine to keep? It doesn't matter, I would do it anyway. But, I wish there is a way to quick answers. Perhaps, if I stand up from this chair and make my move, something is bound to happen. But, why is it so hard to get up and go? Why is it so hard to admit defeat and get over it? Why can't I just sit here and expect nothing, wanting nothing? What is it that I want actually? Love or indifference? Dear God, please help me.

I’m not that proud to say that I instantly fell for you, it shows how easily I fell. Somehow, I don’t care what others might think. Love at first sight happens because it's real. I know that what I feel would change everything that I've always thought love to be. Is it supposed to hurt this much as it’s supposed to heal what heartache is left? Regardless, it's working. I don't think about the past so much as I think about the future, especially if you're in it. Life is meaningful because I put meaning to love. And love means you. Loving you makes my life meaningfully crazy and I cannot think of any other way to have it.

I love you in strange yet wonderful ways. I love you in silence. I love you in a distance. I love you in my heart. I love you in the hopes that someday, you are going to read this and know how much this love mattered to me. How much you matter. And even if by then it’s too late to change, I will continue to love you in death.

I'm not a girl who would instantly put aside her dreams. For you, I don't mind waking up.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

I wish

Romantic Compatibility

Adapted from

Ali & Ana

When Ali and Ana join together in a love match, these individuals that are two apart in the Zodiac are brought together. Their placement gives the relationship an intense karmic bond. This couple is loyal and deep, with very strong ties. Usually, they will stay away from crowds; they aren't too inclined to go to parties or dances, but alone they can form a very fulfilling union.

Ali and Ana enjoy working together toward acquisition: Ali wants order and Ana wants power. Both of their Signs are about resources, including inheritances and property. This couple is very service-oriented and known to be dependable. They like to lend a hand to a friend or to the community. Additionally, Ali can be withdrawn -- while Ana is more opaque and outgoing. Because of disparity, both can learn from one another if they can agree to meet halfway.

Ali is ruled by Mercury and Ana is ruled by Mars and Pluto. This combination is very heated, thanks to Pluto's influence. The two unite to form the basic foundation of human relationships -- Mercury's communication and Mars's passion. Mercury and Mars go well together; Mercury is about the conscious mind, and Mars is about the passion of romance. Ana is rambunctious and intense, and Ali is attracted to this energy. In turn, Ana needs the loyalty and practicality inherent in Ali.

Ali is an Earth Sign and Ana is a Water Sign. Ana has a very deep Sign; it's an ocean, and too much turbulence will cause a violent storm. Ana emotionally hides in her shell, but when the pressure becomes too intense, suddenly explodes. Their mutual need for emotional security fosters extreme loyalty to one another. But while Ali is simplistic, with everything laid bare on the surface, Ana is more concerned with the undercurrents of life. Ana can show Ali life beyond the literal surface, and Ali is attentive enough to pick up on this hidden conversation. Ali can teach Ana the facts and that they are sometimes quite literal and can be dismissed at face value. Ana appreciates Ali's practicality and Ali enjoys Ana's devotion -- it proves they are loved and appreciated.

Ali is a Mutable Sign and Ana is a Fixed Sign. Once they have a common goal, nothing can get in the way of their love. When an argument arises, Ali is adaptable enough to take a step backward and not allow a fight to take place. Ana often gets its way due to a stubborn streak. It's important for these partners to discuss what is truly important to them so they can have equal roles. This is not a relationship riddled with conflict. Both partners would rather work together than fight.

What's the best aspect of the Ali-Ana relationship? It's their ability to carry out goals when they put their minds to the task. When Ana realizes that Ali is an asset and a leveling force in their life, this relationship will grow. Mutual determination and orgAnazation makes theirs a harmonious relationship.

Start Falling!

Which one is easier, to fall in love with someone or to fall in love with the idea of that someone?

Is there any difference?

I want Ali. I know its bordering desperation by a hair, I might look like a stupid fool from a distance but I'm not. I may be foolish at times but I certainly am not stupid. I know that there might be a possiblity that I'm totally wrong about him, that whatever I like about him are just me doing my best assuming. In truth he might be the wrong person for me, but I can't help liking him for the things combined I thought was not possible to exist in just one person. He's perfect beacause of his imperfections and little details I can resist. I'm falling in love with him, and falling fast. It's typical! I'm becoming the lovesick schoolgirl I never was before. Call that reverse development. It's sad, it's traumatizing but at the same time it's exhilarating. The excitement I have over the smallest things about him, drives me to take on the world.

Thank you, Ali. I have a goal. I'm going to do whatever there is within my powers to change the situation. I want you, that's the short and the long version of it. You're the one I don't mind staying home for. I'm going to make you fall desperately in love with me and there's nothing you can do about it. All the best and be prepared.

I'm documenting this so that in the future, I know exactly how it happens and I may get a chance not to be foolish twice. By the way, Ali is not his real name.