Philosophical cow dung on the life of little Ms. Imperfectly Fine.
Monday, December 26, 2005
Last week, my good-humored and well-intentioned friends, that consists of (in alphabetical order) Aidan, Amin, Amir and Justynn, talked me into having a go at the go-kart. Thanks to my dear and lovely Justynn, poor little me, having no previous experience driving more than 80kmph, reluctantly placed my left foot on the brake and the other on the accelerator, as my hands nervously gripped on the steering wheel.
I was bloody nervous. When the guy jumpstarted the engine, I released the break carefully and the little thing started to move. I was the first of the five to go particularly because; I just wanted to get it over and done with.
Man, it was sooo cool. At first it was pretty slow and scary but when it picked up speed, I became more and more confident and started to enjoy myself, like I really really enjoyed myself. When I took my first corner, I heartily congratulate little inexperienced me for a nice turn of the wheel. A tip from Aidan rang in my ear the whole time, brake into corners, and accelerate when getting out. I managed to stay inside the track, well, most of the time.
When you become more and more confident, you start to get a little ambitious. That was what happened to me and here is the story. I was picking up speed as I grew used to the little thing and seeing the gang way in front, I wanted it to go faster and faster. I swerved the car into a tight corner and this is entirely my bad, I can't remember what actually happened, but all of a sudden the car refused to comply and ran straight into the protective barrier. My little speed-devil jammed me into the row of tires and got stuck there. The first thought that crossed my head seconds before the crash was, 'Oh, God. Please don't die!'
When I opened my eyes, I couldn't see anything except for the pitch blackness of the tires that was practically in front of my helmeted face. I've got battle scars on the back of my right hand, with tire tracks possibly permanently imprinted on it. I skinned my hips and hurt my shoulders. But I lived to tell the tale. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this was not the end of little Ms. Ana's adventure on the little wheels.
After they drag my poor bruised little kart out of the toppled mountain of tires. They restarted the engine and I was good and eager to go. Another lap brought me back to the site of the crash and as I carefully steer my way, I realized how easy it was if I had been more careful and a bit more experienced. So it is true that experience is one of the best teachers, pain is also on the list. The rain prevented me from having a couple of extra laps but I had one of the best first-times in my life.
Listening as I recounted what happened before and after the crash, the guys agreed that I was well on my way of becoming a speed junkie. I was on a high.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
I’m sick and tired of loosing a good friend because of my stupid emotional investments on them that went wrong. I’ve always been bad at mending relationships post-breakups. I just don’t know how. It’s like sever all ties and hope to God things would be alright for poor little me. I would forgive but I wouldn’t forget, ever. It’s better to move on without any guilt and regret. And even though my past would occasionally cross my path I would just say hi and turn the other way. I know I’m the sore loser on this, but I just can’t bring myself to do more.
So when something all too familiar is happening all over again, I looked back and see how I had screwed up what could have been enduring friendships. Misunderstandings and mixed ups that could have been cleared up if I was a little more patient and empathetic. More importantly, one trait that seems to stick out in all of my broken relationships was this, when the particular guy comes and I feel that we connect, I would be eager to establish some kind of a special bond with him. I took this for the possibility of the real thing. And when I realized that it wasn’t, I panicked and it would all self-destruct. And the rest was history.
If I didn’t get my feelings mixed up in the first place, I would have more real friends now that I can always count on for support. If I wasn’t too complex, I would not have gotten my heart broken through many false hopes and disappointments. If I wasn’t that superficial, I might not turn out to be as I am now. If I was that lucky, I might not be writing these thoughts down.
The past was filled with mistakes and bad choices. I’m glad that A* turned out to be a blessing after all. Between repeating the past and his friendship, it’s a breeze to choose. A part of me is glad that I’m able to say that this is what I really need. Unfortunately, the other part still doubts whether I would be satisfied with not having what I really want.
Well, who says it’s going to be easy anyway?
Mummy used to tell me that I always have to learn the hard way. Never mind how, at least I learn, right? So there you have it, no worries, no doubts, and no regrets.
Monday, December 19, 2005
We were among the early birds. Since we couldn't bring outside food and drinks, my mineral water nearly didn't make it through. Quick thinking, "Kalau untuk makan ubat macamana?" Those very nice people let us through, my bottle was safe. Hmm... Where did I put my medicine? Let me see, oh yeah, I don't have any.
We had to wait close to two hours. But when it finally started we were at the center front of the stage. What followed was a series of skilful maneuvers to the very front behind the dividing bars. We had to endure the heat and sweat and the occasional grabs, those bastards, but the live music managed to distract me from thinking too much about it. Some of the craziest things that happened was, people were crowd-surfing and I don't know why (maybe it's because I was wearing a red t-shirt all bright and easy) but people kept sending them over to us, Jannah was standing behind me being my bodyguard and all as it was my first RTW. I think I got knock on the head about three times, and although my vision was spinning at one time, I shook it off with the good old rock and roll.
My favorite performances was from (let me see if I can remember, you can never really tell after a couple of possible concussions) OAG, SevenCollar T-Shirt, The A.C.A.B, Frequency Cannon, Cassandra, in short the line-up was pretty good. I especially liked OAG's set because the guitarist was cute and nice enough to smile and put his hand up for me. Rock on!
SCTS will always be my favorite underground band. Before they came in, we switched places to the far right of the stage after the short break. There was this one dude who after seeing my desperation for a good spot to enjoy the show without too much hassle, offered a spot in front of him. He was the least dodgy guy because I felt quite safe enough. Me and Jannah finally got to the very front and we were waiting for the next band when who would have thought, Fidi came with two mineral water bottles for us. I was screaming in delight, it's been a while since I saw him last. He couldn't hang around though but we managed to squeeze in our gratitude. We shared the water with Adib, who spotted us on the big screen and came to join us, and a couple of other thirsty dudes.
After SCTS finished performing, we quickly made our way to the LRT station (a quick visit to the wash room to change and freshen up) to meet my friends in Kelana Jaya. They were playing futsal and thought I might be in time to cheer them on. Besides, it's Aidan's birthday. And being such good cheerleaders, they won. Birthday boy scored five goals in that game.
Friday, December 16, 2005
One sms is all it took to wipe away all the negativity in my heart wrenching lovesick sob story. One ‘hey!’ and everything is right back where it started. If I hadn't known better, I think he might be reading this blog. Doubt it, though. But, whatever is at work, please continue.
I was sleeping when I heard my phone. Eyes blurry but my heart was beating a little too fast for comfort, like it knows something heart stopping was on the brink of taking place. One look.
Oh my God...
Just couldn't believe that after all the heartache of constantly doubting every single thing that concerns me and him, he came back. And I'm a certified dumb-ass for ever confusing the feeling of insecurity with feeling like I've been wronged somehow and it isn't fair. I've made a fool of myself, and if people are laughing at him, I'll join them gladly. Funny how you tend to look at things, only through your own eyes, blurry.
I'd like to think that he'll linger around for sure. This time, I'm doing it right. You can't loose a person you care so much so many times because you just don't learn from your mistakes. My friend once said that 'move on' is such a harsh word to use, like your feelings are not suppose to matter in it. So instead, I'd say 'brace yourself'.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
I kept asking myself, why things turn out as they did. Could I have prevented it? The answer is yes. Knowing A* as I’m beginning to understand him now, I realize that there must be a reason for him not to tell me about her. A reason for not ever mentioning it at all when he could, and saying that he also like me. I should have taken it as it is and respected his silence instead of biting the bait that my friend had threw in. I ask about something I wasn’t supposed to know, and why I’m saying that is because if he wanted me to know about it, he could have said it himself.
And the knowledge I gained from my friend prompted me to act foolishly, saying that I know about her now and that we’ll be friends as I will keep it that way. I honestly thought that he would say something about it, make my dream come true by saying that he really likes me and would want us to be more than just friends. But he never replied, even to this day.
I look at how things were before, everything was perfect, almost at least. Even the night I told him that I like him and he made my heart swell with joy by saying the nicest things about how he sees me in his life. I’m a burst of sunshine or something like that. We connect. And afterwards it wasn’t the-morning-after effect that you tend to have when this things happen, when you feel awkward about it all. We talked and share stuff, exactly as I would have wanted it to be.
But suddenly it happened, one stupid sms and the next thing I know, he’s not talking. Before this, he would always find the time to reply, even if it’s just one short sms in a hurry, I know that he cares. The small efforts that he made really brought me hope. It breaks my heart knowing that he chose not to care anymore.
Would things be different if I continued to be ignorant of her? Wait until I hear it from him and not jump to conclusions based on unapproved information. Maybe that’s why he stopped talking, angry at me for prying on his personal life, wishing to have nothing to do with me. Or perhaps he’s looking into it and trying to weigh the situation. He might be confused and trying to sort his life out first before doing more damage to it by saying things he wasn’t suppose to say.
I’m upset, disappointed and angry because he’s doing this, as if he’s punishing me. Right now, I care more about loosing him altogether as a friend than I care more about being that one special person in his life. How could he refuse to talk to me when all I wanted was for us to be honest about each other and friends like we were before? Until I hear from him again, guess I’ll never know.
TIL I HEAR IT FROM YOU
(Jesse Valenzuela, Robin Wilson, Marshall Crenshaw)
I didn’t ask
They shouldn’t have told me
At first I’d laugh, but now
It’s sinking in fast
Whatever they’ve sold me
Well baby I don’t want to take advice from fools
I’ll just figure everything is cool
Until I hear it from you
It gets hard
The memory’s faded
Who gets what they say
It’s likely they’re just jealous and jaded
Well maybe I don’t want to take advice from fools
I’ll just figure everything is cool
Until I hear it from you
Until I hear it from you
I can’t let it get me off
Or break up my train of thought
As far as I know, nothing’s wrong
Until I hear it from you
Still thinking about not living without it
Outside looking in
Til we’re talking about it, not stepping around it
Maybe I don’t want to take advice from fools
I’ll just figure everything is cool
Until I hear it from you...
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Too late for that, I drove him away.
Guess to him the friendship wasn't such a big thing in the first place. It's so easy how he deals with this, by not dealing with it at all, by refusing to acknowledge me when what I desperately wanted was just honesty on his part. Sure he said he didn't do anything wrong, but did he do the right thing after all?
I thought what I felt initially was bad, the part where I was lovesick for him, frustrated because he doesn't know and wished that we could just be together. But I'll tell you what's worse.
What's worse than being lovesick is that you realize you can never get over it even though all this while, you're convinced that it’ll pass.
What's worse than being frustrated because he doesn't know is when you finally open up your heart only to see him not doing anything about it or say the things you wanted so much to hear.
What's worse than wishing we could just be together is just plain obvious, the wish won't ever come true because although he can make it happen, he chose not to.
As much as I tried to use reverse psychology and saying that I hate him every so often because he's such a snail and all the moments when it seemed that we connected were just pure natural acting skills on his part, I know I still love him, yeah, I’m using the L word. And if there is any hope of us being together, I'll wrap myself around it. I know it would leave little room for anyone else, but that's just the way I see it. Face it, I'm sadistic.
I thought even if he's not the one, the connection we have as two good friends would always be there. He's that soul mate I once talked about. I see us jamming together, playing futsal, staying up late laughing our heads off and talking about nothing and everything at the same time, looking at city lights like watching stars in the night, warming ourselves with hot drinks and old stories, teasing each other and stealing knowing glances.
I won't forget the little things he said, small promises that he made of which if he was to keep them all, means he's not doing such a good job of it at the moment.
If I can change what I said, I won't say I know about her and regret him not telling me when I asked. I won't say regardless of it all, nothing has changed, and we're still friends, that I'll keep it that way. Instead, I'll say "When are you going to get a new guitar so you could teach me that Gin Blossoms song?" Too late for that, he won't listen anymore.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Our team did break but our dreams were crushed during quarterfinals. I felt like I did my best, guess it wasn't good enough. Am I not getting better at this? Or am I just not cut out for it in the first place?
Example, I have the tendency to write everything I want to say down, word for word, and that according to everybody is bad. Personally, if I don't write what I'm going to say like that, I won't know what else to say next. It's like I'm really slow and need the comfort of knowing the important stuff is just under my nose. I know I have to get over it, develop some kind of point by point thing so that I won't have to rely too much on what I've written. It takes practice and pure guts. Both I obviously lack.
Furthermore, I think I'm shy at times when I'm not supposed to, for instance when I want to get my points across. I know the things I want to say but when I feel all eyes around me I get so nervous I loose the confidence of knowing what I'm saying is truly important. And I falter, that's where the problem comes. Sometimes, I even missed the whole idea, rendering what I've said utterly pointless. That's just plain dumb. And I can't lie my way out of an argument, easily conjuring up facts and statistics. It always amazes me to see debaters do something like that when they feel like it. It's like so easy, "Ladies and gentlemen, according to the New York Times *insert lie here*, therefore *insert logic here*" Smart.
I want to be good at this but sometimes the thought of just accepting the fact that I'm better at doing something else like theater is so tempting, I could easily be led astray if I just pretend that I don't enjoy it as much as I used to. But in actuality, I'm enjoying it more and more. I need to constantly remind myself to keep at it because it's one of the best things that have happened in my life to which I owe so much.
MMU Open is next, here we go.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
How did he take it? Well, I'm not sure whether he took it well enough. But, yeah we're still friends. (I know, that's what they all say.)
And the award for the most heart stopping and nerve wrecking question of the year goes to...
"What if I say that I'm also attracted to you?"
What if? Oh, come on.. My dumb answer to supply for the not-so-intelligible question was, I'll jump off this cliff, happy at least.
It was weird. But, I know now that he likes me (as a friend, confirmed) but I guess I'll just have to wait for what time does best, which is at changing things.
Now I can get on with my life. Will I?
Way da go, A*..
Friday, November 11, 2005
This is Yat;
hi, this is yat.i think blogging totally oxymoronic, macam amende jer. you wanna be a writer and then you wanna write journals and put down personal stuffs tapi they put it on the internet suruh orang baca... amende laa.. tapi kalau member dah suruh,belasah jer laa... well, it's been awhile since i wrote anything, anywhere... but it doesn't hurt to try, does it? oww,oww,OWW!
I think it's all about sharing stuff, some sort of therapy. You just write and write what you want without the usual restrictions, you can be honest if you want to and lie if it means much. At the end of the day, you are free to exercise your freedom of thoughts. Hey, no one should tell you what to think or how to see things. And if they don't like what they read then they don't have to. The world of bloggers/blog enthusiasts and people who thinks little of it run in parallels. In short, whuteva!
It's nice to write about dull unimportant stuff, makes you appreciate that in truth, it's not that bad.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
If I stop talking about Ali* and don't be so obsessive over him, I might be able to put some substance in this blog. Contrary to many beliefs, I'm not some love-sick kitty looking for catnip. All is well, I'm coping with the idea that all my crushes would inevitably end up as my friends. Nothing wrong with that. Ali* in particular is a good friend.
By the way, there is a possibility that he's reading this. The idea of using some other name is so that he doesn't know about it, but that seems dumb now that it's close to being public knowledge. I don't bottle up my feelings, I can be secretive but why should I? Hey, you know who you are. With all this knowledge, you should do something about it right? A girl can't do everything on her own, even a hardcore feminist needs a guy to do her bidding (hehe... somehow that doesn't fit into the picture).
My point is, you know how I feel, shame you for not helping me, by bursting my bubbles and let me fall graciously down to Earth, OR by flying me to the moon, wherever you'd like it to be, honey. Either way, I'll be here.
Yeah, I turned twenty a few days ago. It was no grand event but meaningful nonetheless because it coincided with Raya and the whole family was there. Anyway, one of the things that I got (or purchased) for my birthday is a book on zodiac. I guess I'm a sucker for horoscopes but to me I think people have this misconception that it's all about predicting the future and things that would befall a person etc. But I like the idea that it's about anticipating a person's behavior when confronted with certain events that might trigger a particular reaction. You're not being told what would happen to you, but what you should react if something happens.
We had a few laughs reading the characteristics of our friends. I am deemed as the forgiving lover of sex and one with the penetrating intellect that loves to dominate and debate.
That pretty much sums it all up. Someday I'll reveal who Ali* is, hopefully soon, to bring balance back to the force.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Okay, so I got a mail from this AliRossi guy who knows my home address. Firstly, I can't remember giving my address to any Ali; in fact I don't have any close friends named Ali. So, I'm thinking that perhaps we used to go to the same school. Yet, why didn't he leave his real name and the usual, hey, it's *** from MRSM (yup, I'm an ex-MRSM)?
Secondly, he addressed me as Little Ms. Ana. Newsflash* that's the title of my blog so that means he reads my ramblings. But that still does not explain how he knows where I live. Umm, is there something I don't know about? Am I up for sale somewhere on the net like in an obscure website I accidentally signed on with my personal details that include my home address, my medical history and some other useless information?
Thirdly, he included an audio cd with cool songs from the 80s and a couple of recent hits. I'm a bit puzzled on this at first, it's like I don't know this guy and he's already giving me a mix-tape-like cd. Sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but I kind of like to get to know you first before I start baking cookies for you. But then I notice that he also threw in a guitar pic. So he knows that I play and as my brain worked harder to decipher the hidden code behind the songs, I realized that they all had one thing in common, great guitar. So, it's like a motivation thing for me to improve myself. How sweet is that?
Fourthly, the name Ali is so coincidental, but Rossi is too weird. Even though the whole world knows that I'm so in love with Valentino Rossi, you don't see that nickname very often unless you're a fan of motoGP. Wait a minute, is this some kind of a prank my friends are putting up for me. If that is true, thanks... what are friends for if not to add some spice in your boring life, huh? Can you guys get me the real Rossi after this just to see how wonderful a fool; I would make just for some laughs?
Anyway, thanks AliRossi, I appreciate your card, audio cd and guitar pic very much, whoever you may be. Hope you don't mind dropping a hello sometime or anytime soon. That would be great. By the way, you sure know how to make a girl excited in a non-I'm-getting-on-fire kind of way. Keep it up, I love a good mystery.
Monday, October 31, 2005
He's intelligent and quite a fashionable nerd with exceptional guitar skills and excellent mannerism. Polite in conversation, brilliant in explaining and not to mention a little adorably geeky. I dare not say he's handsome, but there's something in him that surpasses mere looks that seems so fascinating to me. One thing certain, he has a good heart. And that's the short and the long version of the reasons why I'm hooked on this one particular person on Earth. I’ve come to this understanding that, so what if I like him, that's not my problem, it's his. I let him deal with it if he feels that he has to. But, there's no pressure, honest. I don't expect him to have the obligation to return my feelings. Nope, I think I've gone beyond that.
In fact, I'm beginning to think that despite all my efforts to convince everyone that he's just perfect for me, I'm not exactly sure myself. No surprise. You see, there are two different people in one person. The one that I think he is and the real him that I've yet to know.
So far, he's exactly as I thought he'd be and worst, even better. It's harder to let go now. And why should I even consider that I have to? He's currently not married or anything such as that. With my informed choice, I'm not doing anything harmful.
Put it in a positive light, people change, hearts change. If he doesn't, in time I will. So what if I really, really like him at this moment. That's his problem to deal with; my problem is my upcoming exams of which my whole future depends upon.
"It is not you I love. I love to love as I love you. I am not counting on anything from you, my beloved. I expect nothing of you save my love for you. Anna de Noailles"
Monday, October 24, 2005
Sometimes, you just can't help missing the things you've lost or never gained. Feeling angry for being stupid enough to care, wishing you could just be indifferent about it. Certain songs seem to hit you so hard your heart could almost burst. To recall the simplest things about a particular moment in the past even though you know it's going to hurt. And you keep on remembering, not ready to forget.
Until one day, you wake up to find that it doesn't hurt as much anymore.
It doesn't hurt as much as you thought.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
For drama, I was deemed the most gedik and overacting Rapunzel of the century, which is fine for me. It was so crazy and funny, we had a blast performing and all. But the highlight of the night was when I found out that Ali* was there. He came to watch my drama, I was so shocked I screamed.
Remember I got the pic the other day, I bought a Gibson pic with the same thickness and gave it to my friend. He keeps it in his wallet.
Debate was really scary, like I said. I haven't been reading much as of late. But the current philosophy is that if you don't know shit, just bullshit. I think I managed to do that just fine. I got selected for royals and worlds. Yup, royals too, the debate starts on the 29th so that's clear.
I've got 2 assignments to go then I'm off to devote myself to reading.
Books and debate stuff.
I saw Doom with my debate friends, Ilyas, Khairun, and Zharif, yesterday. Not bad for a movie, especially the part where the scene changes and your view is like of the game. Quite nostalgic. Don't want to spoil the movie for you by revealing stuff but, go have a watch.
Yeah, not much stuff to ramble about except for dull unimportant things.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
I went to BBC and found this.
Apparently this was among the many very controversial postcards during post-war Britain. Pretty funny stuff. Check it out at www.bbc.co.uk
I wonder if there's some rational reasons behind our reactions to different situations. Like this idea of love at first sight. What contributes to that feeling of instant irrational attraction? Similarity in appearance, personality, thoughts? And how can you be sure that it's love? What if it's just your hormones raging or the mood you're in, say you caught the happy bug or something?
Love at first sight happens whether it's really true or not. Or maybe we like the idea of it so much, we allow it to occur. But, is it good for our general well being?
Or are we just suckers for romance?
Personally, I think this kind of attraction will definitely last.
Until someone better comes along.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
|Ana took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!|
"Needs a change in her circumstances or in her rela..."
You should try it. It's freakingly coincidental.
Your Existing Situation
Works well in cooperation with others. Needs a personal life of mutual understanding and freedom from discord.
I've been doing a lot of group works lately. Try not to get into other people's nerves although I'm beginning to doubt that, due to a little bit of my perfectionist streak. I usually let them have their way if it's not that important. It's hard when you're constantly being misunderstood. But, lately I've been having some quality time with my gal pal, Faizah. She would listen to me ramble about stuff I haven't talk about here n vice versa. Even though I feel that she may not understand me sometimes, she accepts.
Your Stress Sources
Seeks independence and freedom from any restriction and therefore avoids obligations or anything which might prove hampering. She is being subjected to considerable pressure and wants to escape from it so that she can obtain what she needs, but tends to lack the necessary strength of purpose to succeed in this.
Yup, have been very busy doing assignments and all that. Trying very hard to minimize the workload, so very not nice. I've so many other things I want and have to do that it's no wonder I haven't been doing much reading for debate. We have Royals and Worlds selection this week, and I haven't the slightest clue of what's going on. Wish I could just give up all of my obligations, turn the lights out and dream away.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense.
Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.
Am I? To quote a line from my drama presentation this 21st, "Aw... Where's my prince when I need him?"
Your Desired Objective
Needs a change in her circumstances or in her relationships which will permit relief from stress. Seeking a solution which will open up new and better possibilities and allow hopes to be fulfilled.
That's self-explanatory. I'm hoping for one particular person to fall from the sky.
Your Actual Problem
The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities, or reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. She reacts by seeking outside confirmation of her ability and value in order to bolster her self-esteem. Inclined to blame others so that she may shift the blame from herself. Anxiously searching for solutions and prone to compulsive inhibitions and compulsive desires.
That is so true. I don't think my grades this sem is going to be that great. If only we were given more time. If only the lecturers were more clear cut on how they want things to be done instead of just expecting us to pull out something academically outstanding from our hats. We don't even have hats! I could have done better.
Your Actual Problem #2
Feels restricted and prevented from progressing; seeking a solution which will remove these limitations.
Like I said, I can't wait till the sem's over. Next time, I know better.
Wish I could say the same thing for paragraph four.
Friday, October 14, 2005
Just got off from delivering a presentation on International English as the way to go. I think I was more concerned with finishing it off than making sense. I was practically speeding and making myself barely intelligible. Thats ironic since my presentation was all about international intelligibility. Yeah, I know, I'm still not making sense.
Need to read up for my test later, Oral Communication, public speaking for the commoners. I hope I'll manage to put my basic knowledge of giving a speech into good use. It sucks when you are known as a debater and incapable of scoring high for something that should be at the tip of your fingers. I got an A- for my Informative speech. Its weird because I think the reason was because I followed my outline exactly word for word. And you're not suppose to do that? So, no point memorizing huh? That's dumb.
Can't wait til the sem is over.
I want a life.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
I've been using the pda like mad. Writing, taking pictures, listening to songs etc.
Then one day, seeing the need to acquire a proper charger for MY palm, ventured to Low Yatt to look for it on my own for the first time. Makes me feel all grown up a bit.
Got the charger, went home to Shah Alam, opened the pda and...
The batteries were flat, the data inside was erased.
Gone were my writings, my pics and my personalized settings.
And not to mention, the particular collection of sms that I've been saving from a particular someone. I know, sad.
The last two days have been seeing me going back and forth to klcc, with the help of Acat, to restore whatever was gone. The pda was never the same again. Certain items were lost forever, like a picture of a distribution truck with the writings "eggs you'll take to heart" plastered on it that I was planning to write about, and a guitar pic. Then again, I can always snap the latter again.
Oh, yeah, I got a new guitar pic.
Well, it's not exactly new. But, it's priceless, most definitely. Talk about something to boost my motivation to improve my guitar skills. Thanks, love. It's the best pic I've had so far. *wink.
I'm not in my philosophical mood at the moment. Expect a turnaround sometime next week as the lunar eclipses with the sea. Whatever.
Friday, October 07, 2005
It's pretty. Thanks, love.
I'll take it as a friendship band.
Yelah, takkan tak nak pakai kot?
Believe it or not, I do treasure him as a friend, that's the most important thing. I've been doing the treasuring a lot these days. Not willing to hook up, not wanting to let go. You can't just ruin your friendship just like that just because your heart just decided to change. That is so selfish and self-centered.
I've been thinking. These past few months has taught me a lot about being unselfish and taking others into consideration as well as yourself. When it comes to making decisions involving the matters of the heart, you can't ignore what hearts you break in the process. Even if its someone else's.
We don't have to proclaim undying devotion and eternal love to the person that we care about. By being there for him or her, without expecting anything in return save for his/her happiness, in theory, should be enough.
Maybe, it's just me, but I do believe that there is a difference between soul mates and true love. Hear me out.
Each and every one of us have soul mates, kindred spirits who make our lives complete by being there during the course of our lives. And one person is not entitled to only one, mind you. There is no clear quota to the number of soul mates you may have. There is also no restriction of gender. Soul mates are your friends who make you make silent remarks like "I wish I was a guy" or "If only he's a girl." Your soul mates are your friends that seem to compliment you without having to drag them to the altar or form some sort of binding union. Your soul mates are also the ones you've lost.
Look into your lives and try to remember those you really care about, who care just as much about you. Best friends, old and new. Even your exes may be your soul mates, because at one point in your life, you shared a connection that seems to fit perfectly. Regardless of how you've changed and how hearts changed, if you really look into those moments you share, and recall the unconditional love you had that was so special. You know to appreciate those good old days.
My point is, soul mates are people who help your soul grow, in other words, those non-relatives who love you not because it's by default, but because they just do, without expecting anything in return. It sort of explains why people fell in and out of love, because at one point in time, their souls reach out to one another to form a union.
So, it doesn't matter if you have a list of people you love but can never actually be with, love them as they would have loved you, maybe even more. It doesn't matter if you can't return their love in they way that they want, because you can't make everybody happy without being a sorry monkey yourself.
All in all, even if I may never find my true love, so long as I have my soul mates to love and be loved, I think I’ve got it covered.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down. -Woody Allen"
I nearly gave up. I couldn't take the possibility that he might have found the person he can't live without already and sad to say she's not me. I was willing to give in to the situation. To curl up in a corner and die slowly. All because my friend stated his brutal opinion that Ali* is just biding his time, waiting for the right moment. One of my ramblings in the previous entry was true. She has him. And I have nothing but this pity for a heart.
I tried to sound ok like it doesn't matter. I'll be fine now that I know where I'm standing. On quicksand that is slowly sinking me deeper underground. Yeah, rite, fine.
Why didn't he tell me sooner?
"I didn't want to stop you from doing what you think is best for you. If you really want him, by all means go and get him. I just don't want you to get hurt, that's all"
As if I'm not hurting already.
That's it then.
I'll stop making such a fuss about it.
I give up.
"I told you what I think you should know. But that doesn't mean you should take it as an answer not to do what your guts telling you."
Oh, come on! What does that supposed to mean?
"You know Friends, the series?"
And who doesn't?
"Remember when Joey had feelings for Rachael. Well, Joey confessed and they both accepted it and got on with their lives. Joey was true to himself and so was Rachael and they continued to be friends with that knowledge. It's ok to be honest, it helps."
This is the part when I thought to myself, Oh, I'm so stupid. What's wrong with loving someone and accepting it as it is? Nothing.
What's wrong with being true to yourself and being honest with the other person? Nothing.
I nearly gave up. But, I didn't.
I don't want to make this love seem so trivial that I'd be willing to throw it away and move on. This is not something that happens every other day. I should be glad that I even got the chance to feel this way in the first place. Sadistic, but true. Makes it all meaningful and worthwhile, somehow.
So, Ali*, regardless that you may have feelings for someone else and she’s way better than I could ever be, that does not stop me from loving you the way I do. Someday, I’ll let you know just that.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Teacher: You're not going to sleep in there, are you?
Student: Why not? They call it the rest room, don't they?
Thoughts playing around my head. What is this that I'm feeling? Am I jealous? Over what, pray tell? I don't even know and that's even more tragic.
He has known her for years. They shared the same career goals, studied in the same university and now they are working in the same building. Yet, he refuses to admit that they are together, he denies whatever assumptions his closest friends have on them. He rarely talks about her, he only gives passing comments.
He has adored her for years. They shared the same interests, studied together for the same goals, and even applied for the same workplace so that they can see each other as often as they could. He did not see any need to declare to anyone that they are together, he answers their silly questions by confusing them with downright lies. He refuses to give in to people by witholding his true feelings from them. The truth need only exists between the two.
He has been her friend for years. They shared the same interests and career goals, they were college mates study partners and coincidentally are currently working in the same building. He dismisses the idea that they were an item because it's not true. He seldom spoke of her because there isn't much to be shared.
I wish I knew what's really going on. Until then, all I can do is use a bit of imagination.
He has known her for years. They were college mates before and are good friends. He likes her, that is true, but only as a friend and both of them agrees and understands this. He doesn't want to encourage people to think that they are a couple because there is a difference between friendship and romantic relationship. They are just friends. He is still single and waiting to find the right girl to change that.
And that right girl might be not-lefty me.
Hey, over here!
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
When I was little, I very much look forward to fasting. I remember waking up crying on my bed, with my head resting on my arms, like there was no tomorrow. Just because my mom forgot to wake me up for sahur. It was so important to me at that time to fast accordingly the whole month, never missing a day. And of course, how can I forget, the certain nikmat of forgetfulness when I
accidentallydrank nice cool water in the middle of the day. I panic and ran towards my mom as if I had done a terrible horrible deed only to be reassured by her that God is forgiving. And it's true.
The best part about it all was when the whole family would break our fast. It was grand. I have many many siblings under one roof, that even the kitchen could not accommodate us. We ended up eating in front of the tv like it's a family time thing, which it was and still is. The whole family would enjoy mom's cooking while watching some random shows or drama series. My mom is used to cooking for a whole army, and she's really good at it. I reckon that that's where I got my huge appetite for good food. I was trained at such a young age.
But I guess, one thing I'll be missing the most this fasting month is baking cookies with my late sister, Kak Ima. Late at night we would be busy scurrying around in the kitchen. Kak Ima would be making delightful tasty cream cheese cookies, peanut butter and candy cookies, while I would be helping her by watching and making a mess. I was her assistant, followed her every move and in charge of burning the cookies. It has been two years and still it's hard when you remember these small things. Especially when it happened at such a special time of the year. The month that brings my family together in the spirit of good food and love for the tv. Memories.
I miss you.
Monday, October 03, 2005
Sunday, October 02, 2005
That’s why, I have to refrain myself from sounding too desperate. Because I’m not, I’m just frustrated. As much as I want him, my life does not revolve around making him mine or anything. Yes, I do include him in my ‘to do’ list. ;p But that’s about it. I don’t mope around the house and not do anything except waiting close to the phone for a mystical magical “Hey, what’s up!” I don’t loose sleep over him, I still eat a lot and shower regularly. I’m just living my life.
The difference is, I like him and sometimes I can’t help feeling frustrated because I can’t do anything about it. That’s why I write, and I exaggerate. The feelings are real but I’m not some tragic heroin. I just like to use hyperboles.
I believe some explanation is needed here. Why him? What’s so different about this time? Why is it important for him to know and yet I’m not doing anything about it?
Honestly, I just tripped and fell over a friend of my friend. Typical, yeah. I haven’t had time to actually get to know him, but there were a couple of conversations that I had with him that contributed to my fall. And I know for a fact that I might just imagined it all and he’s not exactly what I thought him to be. But, so far he fits me perfectly.
So what’s the problem then? If he’s perfect, why don’t you just go for it? Or, is it because he’s taken already? The reason why I’m stuck in this mess is because, for the first time in my 19 years of life, I’m afraid of loosing what I never had, of being rejected not just by anyone, but by him. It’s different this time because it could not have been anybody. It just has to be him. What makes me so sure about this is the fact that, I tried to compensate not having him by settling for someone that happens to be there and shared some characteristics of him. I realize I made a mistake when I found out that it wasn’t what I really wanted. I’d rather be alone then be with someone for the wrong reasons.
My source tells me that he’s not exactly taken, but there is a particular person in his life. I have a feeling that she might be important to him as she knew him first. But, that’s not what worries me, my number one fear is that I’m just not his type and he’s too good for me of which I’m starting to believe.
But, I’m not letting that spoil my life. I don’t need a guy to be happy; I don’t need him to make me happy. But I would, sure as heck, be a whole lot happier if he does.
He said I had a good voice. My heart is singing with joy.
Friday, September 30, 2005
Patient: I don't understand doctor, I thought you said I was the picture of health.
Doctor: Yes, but the frame is bent, you see.
I should stop being so melodramatic and hopeless about the situation that I am in. Sure, it's terrible and if I could just grab anybody and be on my way happily ever after, I would. But, it doesn't work that way. It's a bit complicated. Things like this always happen for a reason, and I'm beginning to think that the reason is because I have always been so sure of myself and it's high time I learn the hard way.
Surprisingly, after my first entry. I feel a whole lot better. I even got feedback from a couple of friends who read them. Well wishers, mostly. How thoughtful! A friend even said he understands what I'm going through since he's also experiencing the same thing. He went for it, but it didn't turn out good. She's now with some guy. That's not very comforting, is it?
Oh, well. Life goes on. As much as I want to kick myself for feeling this way, cannot la, it'll hurt you know. Be positive, at least my options are open (and still limited).
I'll try not to be too mushy-mushy. I'll keep it to a minimum la from now on... if I can.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
|Lirik Lagu Dewa|
|Judul :||Kasidah Cinta|
|Album :||Cintailah Cinta|
|Ciptaan :||Ahmad Dhani|
I fell in love with you the second we met. I know it sounds like it has been repeated countless of times. But it just happened without my knowledge, beyond my control. I realize it when I could not stop thinking about how your face lit up when you smile. The way you carelessly laid your back to the chair and looked at me and listened like it mattered so much, like I mattered a lot. And even if I could have stopped it, I won't change anything. I won't change how these little things made me feel.
Is it wrong to feel this way when you may never feel the same for me? Is it wrong to long for something beautiful and hope that it is mine to keep? It doesn't matter, I would do it anyway. But, I wish there is a way to quick answers. Perhaps, if I stand up from this chair and make my move, something is bound to happen. But, why is it so hard to get up and go? Why is it so hard to admit defeat and get over it? Why can't I just sit here and expect nothing, wanting nothing? What is it that I want actually? Love or indifference? Dear God, please help me.
I’m not that proud to say that I instantly fell for you, it shows how easily I fell. Somehow, I don’t care what others might think. Love at first sight happens because it's real. I know that what I feel would change everything that I've always thought love to be. Is it supposed to hurt this much as it’s supposed to heal what heartache is left? Regardless, it's working. I don't think about the past so much as I think about the future, especially if you're in it. Life is meaningful because I put meaning to love. And love means you. Loving you makes my life meaningfully crazy and I cannot think of any other way to have it.
I love you in strange yet wonderful ways. I love you in silence. I love you in a distance. I love you in my heart. I love you in the hopes that someday, you are going to read this and know how much this love mattered to me. How much you matter. And even if by then it’s too late to change, I will continue to love you in death.
I'm not a girl who would instantly put aside her dreams. For you, I don't mind waking up.
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Adapted from Astrology.com
Ali & Ana
When Ali and Ana join together in a love match, these individuals that are two apart in the Zodiac are brought together. Their placement gives the relationship an intense karmic bond. This couple is loyal and deep, with very strong ties. Usually, they will stay away from crowds; they aren't too inclined to go to parties or dances, but alone they can form a very fulfilling union.
Ali and Ana enjoy working together toward acquisition: Ali wants order and Ana wants power. Both of their Signs are about resources, including inheritances and property. This couple is very service-oriented and known to be dependable. They like to lend a hand to a friend or to the community. Additionally, Ali can be withdrawn -- while Ana is more opaque and outgoing. Because of disparity, both can learn from one another if they can agree to meet halfway.
Ali is ruled by Mercury and Ana is ruled by Mars and Pluto. This combination is very heated, thanks to Pluto's influence. The two unite to form the basic foundation of human relationships -- Mercury's communication and Mars's passion. Mercury and Mars go well together; Mercury is about the conscious mind, and Mars is about the passion of romance. Ana is rambunctious and intense, and Ali is attracted to this energy. In turn, Ana needs the loyalty and practicality inherent in Ali.
Ali is an Earth Sign and Ana is a Water Sign. Ana has a very deep Sign; it's an ocean, and too much turbulence will cause a violent storm. Ana emotionally hides in her shell, but when the pressure becomes too intense, suddenly explodes. Their mutual need for emotional security fosters extreme loyalty to one another. But while Ali is simplistic, with everything laid bare on the surface, Ana is more concerned with the undercurrents of life. Ana can show Ali life beyond the literal surface, and Ali is attentive enough to pick up on this hidden conversation. Ali can teach Ana the facts and that they are sometimes quite literal and can be dismissed at face value. Ana appreciates Ali's practicality and Ali enjoys Ana's devotion -- it proves they are loved and appreciated.
Ali is a Mutable Sign and Ana is a Fixed Sign. Once they have a common goal, nothing can get in the way of their love. When an argument arises, Ali is adaptable enough to take a step backward and not allow a fight to take place. Ana often gets its way due to a stubborn streak. It's important for these partners to discuss what is truly important to them so they can have equal roles. This is not a relationship riddled with conflict. Both partners would rather work together than fight.
What's the best aspect of the Ali-Ana relationship? It's their ability to carry out goals when they put their minds to the task. When Ana realizes that Ali is an asset and a leveling force in their life, this relationship will grow. Mutual determination and orgAnazation makes theirs a harmonious relationship.
Is there any difference?
I want Ali. I know its bordering desperation by a hair, I might look like a stupid fool from a distance but I'm not. I may be foolish at times but I certainly am not stupid. I know that there might be a possiblity that I'm totally wrong about him, that whatever I like about him are just me doing my best assuming. In truth he might be the wrong person for me, but I can't help liking him for the things combined I thought was not possible to exist in just one person. He's perfect beacause of his imperfections and little details I can resist. I'm falling in love with him, and falling fast. It's typical! I'm becoming the lovesick schoolgirl I never was before. Call that reverse development. It's sad, it's traumatizing but at the same time it's exhilarating. The excitement I have over the smallest things about him, drives me to take on the world.
Thank you, Ali. I have a goal. I'm going to do whatever there is within my powers to change the situation. I want you, that's the short and the long version of it. You're the one I don't mind staying home for. I'm going to make you fall desperately in love with me and there's nothing you can do about it. All the best and be prepared.
I'm documenting this so that in the future, I know exactly how it happens and I may get a chance not to be foolish twice. By the way, Ali is not his real name.
Sunday, April 17, 2005
check out the entry in http://ilhamep.blogspot.com/
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Monday, March 28, 2005
I'm not going to give an in-depth review on the bands, just want to say some stuff.
SevenCollar T-Shirt is musically remarkable, although there were some technical problems that concerns Ham's guitar. And even though the sound system isn't too mind-blowing, I still think they did a pretty good job. Their opening song was Brand New No.1 and towards the end, Abg Rom, the big guy of ROTTW saw that we (NOTE: I went to the gig with my sister, Jannah) knew the lyrics, grabbed the mic and shove it to us. And we sang but the bummer was that the mic wasn't even on! There goes my chance to sing in a real gig. Next were Boohoorah, The Summary, Chemicals and Drones. I especially like Chemicals, to me it was a powerful live rendition as always since it's all emotional and tends to grab me by the heart in a vise-like grip. Overall, despite the glitches, SevenCollar T-Shirt rocks!
Next on my favorite list is Love Me Butch. They are out with a new album called "This Is The New Pop" and so far it's awesome. (NOTE: Anybody who wants the album can also get it through me, thank you.) They are an amazing band, musically a wonderful combination. This is what my brother, Acat calls Angry Music. I had a wonderful time head banging, but I'm currently suffering from yesterday's exertion through my sore neck. But it was worth it.
Jeopardice are cool, and the drummer still remembers me by the name, which is even cooler. They are currently doing a demo so I'm looking forward to that. Their new song is more "emo" than before, Muse like I guess. But it's still their own. Another cool band to take note of is StoneBay, I like their music as they remind me of Pearl Jam which reminds me of Dishwalla even though they are different musically. I asked the vocalist of the band regarding their demo since I really want to hear their songs some more. He said that since I was the only one who asked for a copy, he's going to give one to me, provided I can mail him my contact details. Yes, sir! That was really nice of him, if I seriously like the band I'm going to support them seriously.
One more band that has caught my eyes is Deja Voodoo. A special note, Mel, the bassist is superb!! I'm adding him to the list of people with fingers that I would love to break. And he's quite soft-spoken as well with a big passion for making music that surpasses the urge in making money. Jannah and me, plus Fidi surprisingly, have enrolled in Mel's "How to Master the Bass" class. He's just amazing. Deja Voodoo will be performing, I'm still thinking of going to support the band.
After the gig, we went to the "kenduri" at Abg Rom's, the food was delicious, and I especially love the "ayam masak merah". Being in the company of the musicians is great. You realize that they are indeed a bunch of good people. I wonder who planted the idea in my head that the underground scene is mean. They are not that at all. In fact, I admire them on the fact that they are staying true to their music and that takes guts. The way that each and everyone of them have one common love for music shows in how tight they are in their bands and among gig friends.
Besides that, I suppose one thing that I've been thinking is that, before I got to know them, there's always this perception that musicians are another race on their own. But the fact is, they are just the same as us mere mortals. This is gonna sound like a cliche but they are just people like us and we should treat them with the same respect that we expect others to give to us. I'm glad that I was able to actually hang out with these talented people with love for music to spread and share. This has made my burning ambition even brighter.
Sunday, March 27, 2005
Later that day, had a class with the kids at ILHAM. So great to see them again. Had a lot of fun helping them out with a test, which isn't a test afterall since we were practically giving them answers. I wish I could join them for the movie tomorrow, but I already planned to join the ROTTW convention with my sister. (NOTE: Support your local music scene!) Ha... Too bad. I love kids, they are so refreshing. Makes you realize how far you've gone away from simplicity and how older you're getting.
This reminds me of the incident I had earlier that day in the komuter. I was supposed to meet my cousin in the Subang komuter. I boarded the train in Shah Alam and sat down quietly while listening to Smashing Pumpkins greatest hits. (NOTE: I adore AVA ADORE, beautiful.) And suddenly, there was this little girl, shouting "SUBANG JAYA!! SUBANG JAYA!! SUBANG JAYA!!" over and over again, excitedly. Obviously, I was not the only one heading there. It was amusing to see her so excited. My thoughts were floating. The train stops, I went out briskly very much surprise to see that the little girl wasn't getting off. And then I saw the big sign, BATU TIGA, and there goes the train. WHAT!! It's funny how you manage to fool yourself so easily. I heard someone announcing that the train to PELABUHAN KLANG would be delayed, the next train is due 8.10. Shoot!! I'm suppose to meet my cousin at 8.00. Why do things like this always happen to me? Panicking, I called Kak Jaja, and explained everything in 10 seconds. "Ana, first of all, you're not even heading to Klang." Oh, yeah.. I can be really absent-minded sometimes. Just cannot help it I guess. When you think you know something, doesn't really mean you're right. It's good to be sure. It's just BATU TIGA, I don't want to end up in SEREMBAN next time.