Philosophical cow dung on the life of little Ms. Imperfectly Fine.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

I give up

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down. -Woody Allen"

I nearly gave up. I couldn't take the possibility that he might have found the person he can't live without already and sad to say she's not me. I was willing to give in to the situation. To curl up in a corner and die slowly. All because my friend stated his brutal opinion that Ali* is just biding his time, waiting for the right moment. One of my ramblings in the previous entry was true. She has him. And I have nothing but this pity for a heart.

I tried to sound ok like it doesn't matter. I'll be fine now that I know where I'm standing. On quicksand that is slowly sinking me deeper underground. Yeah, rite, fine.

Why didn't he tell me sooner?
"I didn't want to stop you from doing what you think is best for you. If you really want him, by all means go and get him. I just don't want you to get hurt, that's all"

As if I'm not hurting already.

That's it then.
I'll stop making such a fuss about it.
I give up.

"I told you what I think you should know. But that doesn't mean you should take it as an answer not to do what your guts telling you."

Oh, come on! What does that supposed to mean?
"You know Friends, the series?"

And who doesn't?
"Remember when Joey had feelings for Rachael. Well, Joey confessed and they both accepted it and got on with their lives. Joey was true to himself and so was Rachael and they continued to be friends with that knowledge. It's ok to be honest, it helps."

This is the part when I thought to myself, Oh, I'm so stupid. What's wrong with loving someone and accepting it as it is? Nothing.

What's wrong with being true to yourself and being honest with the other person? Nothing.

I nearly gave up. But, I didn't.

I don't want to make this love seem so trivial that I'd be willing to throw it away and move on. This is not something that happens every other day. I should be glad that I even got the chance to feel this way in the first place. Sadistic, but true. Makes it all meaningful and worthwhile, somehow.

So, Ali*, regardless that you may have feelings for someone else and she’s way better than I could ever be, that does not stop me from loving you the way I do. Someday, I’ll let you know just that.