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Philosophical cow dung on the life of little Ms. Imperfectly Fine.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

I don't need a guy.

I don’t need a guy to be happy. I’m enjoying my life as it is, although the load of assignments I have to finish off is not enjoyable at all. I have my closest friends to laugh with, family for love and support, my guitar to play and books to read. In short, I should be content, I am content; sometimes I don’t need a guy to be happy.

That’s why, I have to refrain myself from sounding too desperate. Because I’m not, I’m just frustrated. As much as I want him, my life does not revolve around making him mine or anything. Yes, I do include him in my ‘to do’ list. ;p But that’s about it. I don’t mope around the house and not do anything except waiting close to the phone for a mystical magical “Hey, what’s up!” I don’t loose sleep over him, I still eat a lot and shower regularly. I’m just living my life.

The difference is, I like him and sometimes I can’t help feeling frustrated because I can’t do anything about it. That’s why I write, and I exaggerate. The feelings are real but I’m not some tragic heroin. I just like to use hyperboles.

I believe some explanation is needed here. Why him? What’s so different about this time? Why is it important for him to know and yet I’m not doing anything about it?

Honestly, I just tripped and fell over a friend of my friend. Typical, yeah. I haven’t had time to actually get to know him, but there were a couple of conversations that I had with him that contributed to my fall. And I know for a fact that I might just imagined it all and he’s not exactly what I thought him to be. But, so far he fits me perfectly.

So what’s the problem then? If he’s perfect, why don’t you just go for it? Or, is it because he’s taken already? The reason why I’m stuck in this mess is because, for the first time in my 19 years of life, I’m afraid of loosing what I never had, of being rejected not just by anyone, but by him. It’s different this time because it could not have been anybody. It just has to be him. What makes me so sure about this is the fact that, I tried to compensate not having him by settling for someone that happens to be there and shared some characteristics of him. I realize I made a mistake when I found out that it wasn’t what I really wanted. I’d rather be alone then be with someone for the wrong reasons.

My source tells me that he’s not exactly taken, but there is a particular person in his life. I have a feeling that she might be important to him as she knew him first. But, that’s not what worries me, my number one fear is that I’m just not his type and he’s too good for me of which I’m starting to believe.

But, I’m not letting that spoil my life. I don’t need a guy to be happy; I don’t need him to make me happy. But I would, sure as heck, be a whole lot happier if he does.

He said I had a good voice. My heart is singing with joy.