Philosophical cow dung on the life of little Ms. Imperfectly Fine.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Speak up.

I kept asking myself, why things turn out as they did. Could I have prevented it? The answer is yes. Knowing A* as I’m beginning to understand him now, I realize that there must be a reason for him not to tell me about her. A reason for not ever mentioning it at all when he could, and saying that he also like me. I should have taken it as it is and respected his silence instead of biting the bait that my friend had threw in. I ask about something I wasn’t supposed to know, and why I’m saying that is because if he wanted me to know about it, he could have said it himself.

And the knowledge I gained from my friend prompted me to act foolishly, saying that I know about her now and that we’ll be friends as I will keep it that way. I honestly thought that he would say something about it, make my dream come true by saying that he really likes me and would want us to be more than just friends. But he never replied, even to this day.

I look at how things were before, everything was perfect, almost at least. Even the night I told him that I like him and he made my heart swell with joy by saying the nicest things about how he sees me in his life. I’m a burst of sunshine or something like that. We connect. And afterwards it wasn’t the-morning-after effect that you tend to have when this things happen, when you feel awkward about it all. We talked and share stuff, exactly as I would have wanted it to be.

But suddenly it happened, one stupid sms and the next thing I know, he’s not talking. Before this, he would always find the time to reply, even if it’s just one short sms in a hurry, I know that he cares. The small efforts that he made really brought me hope. It breaks my heart knowing that he chose not to care anymore.

Would things be different if I continued to be ignorant of her? Wait until I hear it from him and not jump to conclusions based on unapproved information. Maybe that’s why he stopped talking, angry at me for prying on his personal life, wishing to have nothing to do with me. Or perhaps he’s looking into it and trying to weigh the situation. He might be confused and trying to sort his life out first before doing more damage to it by saying things he wasn’t suppose to say.

I’m upset, disappointed and angry because he’s doing this, as if he’s punishing me. Right now, I care more about loosing him altogether as a friend than I care more about being that one special person in his life. How could he refuse to talk to me when all I wanted was for us to be honest about each other and friends like we were before? Until I hear from him again, guess I’ll never know.

(Jesse Valenzuela, Robin Wilson, Marshall Crenshaw)
I didn’t ask
They shouldn’t have told me
At first I’d laugh, but now
It’s sinking in fast
Whatever they’ve sold me
Well baby I don’t want to take advice from fools
I’ll just figure everything is cool
Until I hear it from you
It gets hard
The memory’s faded
Who gets what they say
It’s likely they’re just jealous and jaded
Well maybe I don’t want to take advice from fools
I’ll just figure everything is cool
Until I hear it from you
Until I hear it from you
I can’t let it get me off
Or break up my train of thought
As far as I know, nothing’s wrong
Until I hear it from you
Still thinking about not living without it
Outside looking in
Til we’re talking about it, not stepping around it
Maybe I don’t want to take advice from fools
I’ll just figure everything is cool
Until I hear it from you...