what i feel

suddenly i found myself
with a heart that's cut in half
fallen in and out place
wearing someone else's face

i don't like what i see
in front of me
i don't know what to do
maybe it's me
maybe it's you
maybe it's nothing

i feel
so useless
when i'm down
i feel
so pointless
when you're around

put two and two together
too late 'cause it won't matter
fallen in and out of line
i've picked a past to leave behind

i don't want you to see
what's wrong with me
i cannot say what's true
of course it's me
it's never you
it's always nothing

i feel
so useless
when i'm down
i feel
so pointless
when you're around

i'm a fool
i know 'cause everyone else
is telling me so
i'm a fool
and i'm going back to where
i once belong

i feel
so free
now i'm alone
i feel
so empty
now that you're gone

you're gone..
you're gone..
you're gone..
you're gone..

i feel
so empty
now that you're gone.

Words and music by Ana Raffali (anaraffali muzik ent.)

one of these days by palancut.deviantart.com

i wrote this song more than a year ago. not exactly from a personal experience. someone who's very dear to me was going thru a horrible time of coming to terms with the fact that the person that he loved for so long, simply stopped loving him.

i felt his pain. his frustration. the hurt of seeing his love gone in an instant.

it's ironic because now he's more than happy. somehow thru the bad times he was able to discover the reason why she was not meant for him. i would like to think that it's because there's something bigger, lovelier and more defined, written in his cards. they say love gets better everytime or at least to the lucky ones. i'm glad that he's one of them.

as for me, everytime i play and sing this song, i would let my sadness and dissappointment wrap themselves around me. and now more than ever it brings new meaning. and i am satisfied with the knowledge that i understand more of me than ever before.

i give up. i am free and having nothing equals to feeling empty. and the emptiness fills whatever i have left of love. and even if it's not the best of feelings, i welcome it. i don't want to care anymore. i'm tired of love being superficial and fickle. when he's gone he leaves nothing but a festering wound upon your heart. might as well cut it all out. so if he were ever to come back, he doesn't have anything to scar. he can't inflict any injury on nothing.

you should've have felt my pain. my frustration. my hurt of seeing my love gone in an instant.

then you'd understand why sometimes it's okay to give up.

Hurry, hurry..

Yes, I have fulfilled one of the most important requirements of living in Japan, riding the Shinkansen (bullet train). True to their boast, it is incredibly fast.



Did you pay attention to the conversation in the video?

I am the victim of modernization. I cannot live without the convenience of having less time spent on doing things. Like washing my clothes, or doing my assignments, cooking even.. My friends told me that I walk too fast. I told them it's coz I always have somewhere to go and things to do. I just don't hang that much.

Coming here and seeing everybody rushing all the time to get somewhere made me stop and think, are they happy to be going where they're heading? Or do they feel that it's just a personal obligation spun from having to do more things, now that they have more time from the convenience of technology.

Take me home, concrete roads

5 more days until I am back to where I came from. A little sad and a little glad. But, I rather not blog about "my most memorable experience in Japan" because there are too many and are already overused in conversations. I have something better to talk about.

I had my hair cut. (But why?) I dislike my long and unruly hair. (Why had it cut in Japan?) I don't wanna look like Tom Hanks in Castaway when I meet my family and friends back home. (Oh, come on!) Don't come on me! (But, you look nicer with long hair.) That's what they all say, honey. (So, how does it look?) Pretty cool, if you ask me.

Here's a picture.


Until next time, stay safe!

Disclaimer: I heard that line(title) in one of Miyazaki's anime.