Philosophical cow dung on the life of little Ms. Imperfectly Fine.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
I carried your words everywhere, thousands of them in my palm. I never thought of letting them go, because you mean so much to me and now your words meant more. For when you walked away, they were always there. Pieces of the memories you left behind, you never wanted to look at them and stay, because you said you were scared of the future. Isn't it funny, honey? You always said we can never tell the future, so where and what is the basis of your fear?
The most difficult thing I'm learning to do is to deny what was there and to think as if it never was.
Last night, I lost everything in my palm. Your words are gone, maybe it was for the best. My heart was not as tough as to let it slip through between my fingers. It wanted to believe that your words still held meaning and for that I held on. It's hard to believe that there was any meaning in them when it took you such a short time to give up on the reason for those words of yours in the first place. It's hard but you made it look so easy.
You wanted to have the only say in this because you didn't even care about what I want. I don't want to give up because I love you, I don't want to give in just because it's easy to do. I want the only one that feels right, and he is and will always be you.
Honey, I know you're tired of my mistakes. But what's the point in correcting them now that everything is wrong. How mistaken you would be to think that the distance would heal us. It doesn't help me at all. Instead of having the ones I love around me to get me through this hard time, all I have are faces of strangers. Worse, sometimes in those faces, I saw you. Your smile, your hands, your bits and pieces I wish I could forget but I don't think I ever will.
Right now, I'm sorry to have meant my words, more sorry than to have fallen for yours.