you might be fooling yourself if you think you can fool me
I know all of your tricks
I have read your story
I know you'd love to love
you're just afraid to
you might be changing yourself if you think you can change me
I know the one you want
I am what you see
I know you'd love to love
you're just afraid to
give it up
stop sabotaging us
we could last
remain steadfast
it's no use
your heart wants it to
we'll pull through
we always do
i know
photo by aboutthelettera.com
I can beg. I can crawl. I can climb. I can fall. But I cannot make you love me. I can sing. I can write. I can kiss. I can bite. But I cannot make you love me.
I can cry. I can scream. I can tease. I can dream. But I cannot make you love me.
I can hide. I can chase. I can turn. I can face. But I cannot make you love me.
I can give. I can fake. I can freeze. I can break. But I cannot make you love me.
I can run. I can stay. I can wish. I can pray. But I cannot make you love me.
And there’s nothing I can think of that I can do about that.
Act 9.
Scene : NURUL enters the living room with a bandaged/neck support. She sits down on the sofa, looks gloomy and distracted. Her phone rings. She almost jumps. She slowly looks at her phone. CASEY comes in. NURUL holds it up to her, gesturing, she gives the phone to her.
CASEY : Hello, auntie. Yes, we’re back… Yes, she’s here. She’s doing better. Doctor said… no, the virus shouldn’t be anymore fatal. But… the infection… her vocal cords had been paralyzed… No, I’m sorry… she can’t… Yes, they… it was much too late… it was so sudden. We didn’t even know. We thought it was just a normal flu… I’m… really sorry. I’m glad you’re coming soon… Sure, hold on a sec. She wants to talk to you.
(NURUL took the phone and starts to listen, eyes brimming with tears, she hands the phone back to CASEY who seems to be teary too. She scribbles something on a notepad and shows it to her.)
Yes, auntie… Of course, I will… Auntie, hold on a sec… Nurul wrote saying… she loves you… wants others to know she looks forward in getting get well gifts from everyone. (Laughs lightly.) Okay, I’ll see you soon… Bye…
(Suddenly the phone rings again.)
It’s Mikail. You want me to talk to him.
(She shakes her head hard, ‘no’)
But, you can’t just leave it like that. You have to let him know what happened.
(She scribbles something, ‘doesn’t have to know. wouldn’t make things any better’)
Why wouldn’t it make things any better?
(She scribbles something, ‘doesn’t change fact. can’t talk to him’)
Even if it doesn’t change the fact that you can’t speak, at least he’s there to offer comfort.
(She scribbles something, ‘like what?’)
I don’t know, he can make silly jokes to cheer you up.
(She scribbles something, ‘ha ha ha’)
Why are you being so pessimistic?
(She scribbles something, ‘why you so unrealistic?’)
What do you mean I’m being unrealistic?
(She scribbles something, ‘blind. mute. can’t read. can’t talk. How to communicate?’)
Well… you have me.
(She scribbles something, ‘wanna be C3PO?)
What the heck is a C3PO?
(She scribbles something, ‘sacrifice time echo my thoughts. no time for you’)
It’s not like you’ll be seeing him 24/7.
(She scribbles something, ‘not the point. don’t wanna be selfish anymore. better off thinking don’t need him. than knowing I do but impossible’)
Simpler way of saying it, please?
(She scribbles something, ‘can’t go back the way we were, gone, I’ve accepted’)
But why?
(She scribbles something, ‘can’t reach him anymore. What got us together is gone.’)
You mean your voice? (She nods.)
I think I get what you mean. He was there when you first sang in that open-stage. He couldn’t see you but you saw him, and your voice reached him. Your music brought the two of you together, it brought me and Joe to each other. And now that it’s gone, you don’t know how you’re going to get through to him.
(She nods and scribbles something, ‘Mikail taught me to be happy thankful with what I am. what I have. need your favor’)
Of course, I’ll help.
(She scribbles something, ‘can’t see him knowing how bad I feel.’)
I think I get what you mean. You don’t want him to know because you don’t want him to feel helpless. You don’t want to burden him with being powerless over this. (She nods.)
We won’t tell him.
(She mouths the word, ‘Thank you.’)
I can only guess what you must be feeling. Don’t lose hope, Nurul. We’ll sign you up for medical experiments or speech therapy or find dozens of other ways to talk to him. Pretty soon, he couldn’t even tell the difference.
(She scribbles something, ‘learn telepathy’)
That’s the spirit! Oh Nurul, are you going to be alright?
(She smiles softly, thoughtful.)
I can’t believe that something this horrible could happen. You had such a lovely voice. How easily it was taken away from you, no warning whatsoever. We didn’t even have the time to get your songs recorded. Now, it’s all gone, all gone.
(She scribbles something, ‘no it’s not. all in here’)
Where? (NURUL gestures to her head then to her heart.) You got your heart back?
(She gathers her hands to form a butterfly and draws them to the spot over her heart.)
Completely healed? (She nods. The sound of the doorbell escalates. CASEY ran off-stage.)
MIKAIL : May I speak to Nurul?
CASEY : Mikail, I… I have to check. Could you please wait here for a while?
MIKAIL : I don’t mind. (CASEY returns.)
CASEY : Nurul, he’s here, Mikail is here. What are we going to do? I know, I’ll tell him that you don’t have anything to say to him. But, if he wants he can just speak his mind. I’ll just let him in, he won’t ever know about your voice. Is that okay? (She nods. CASEY runs back off-stage and returns with MIKAIL.)
MIKAIL : I know she doesn’t want to talk to me, but she doesn’t have to say anything if she doesn’t want to, she could just listen while I do the talking.
CASEY : Suit yourself. (CASEY lingers.)
MIKAIL : Do you mind leaving us alone, Casey?
CASEY : (She looks pleadingly at NURUL, who gestures her to leave.) Alright. (She leaves reluctantly.)
MIKAIL : How have you been? … So, you’re really determined not to talk to me, are you? … Very well. I should start by telling you… how sorry I am… I didn’t know that I had taken you for granted, by not making it clear that… I’m with somebody else…
Remember we talked about fears. I thought I could overcome every fear in life, but I know now that I’m still scared of the things which are beyond my control. The truth is, I was selfish and afraid. I thought that if I didn’t say anything, it wouldn’t matter because it wasn’t important. What’s important was that we make the most out of the time we share together. I didn’t stop to think that you might not have the same ideas as I did…
I wanted us to always have that wonderful companionship. I thought being with someone else doesn’t mean that we can’t have that special bond that we had. But I was afraid that you might give it up, you might give me up if you knew and stop wanting to have anything to do with me. I was afraid that you won’t believe in what we have, you won’t believe that it was possible to feel that unconditional bond… I was selfish because I thought only of what I might lose, and that was you…
When you told me how you felt, I know exactly what you meant. We connect. If I had been more open to you, about my life, I think you wouldn’t have felt so betrayed, as if I purposely played you on… I care so much about you, Nurul. I love you… I know now that this love that I have for you is real for the fact that more than anything in the world, I want you to be happy… more than anything else, I want to be there with you happy…
But, I can’t offer you anything more than this. I’m sorry that I can’t give you what you really want… but if you would accept me as I am, if you would forgive me, I’ll know that we will always have that special bond that we had. So, if you still have any love for me, please tell me that you forgive me. Please say you won’t let go of what we share.
Nurul, talk to me.
Tell me that you forgive me.
Tell me that you will still have me as I am.
Tell me that unconditional love is real, that it isn’t just for lovers.
Please?
Talk to me. (NURUL cries helplessly.)
So is this the end?
Goodbye, then. (MIKAIL leaves. NURUL collapses as CASEY comes in.)
CASEY : (Tears in her eyes, she wraps her arms around NURUL.) There, there. There was nothing you could do. There was nothing you could do.
THE END
Act 8.
Scene : JOE and MIKAIL are having lunch in a cafe.
JOE : So did you get a chance to talk to her?
MIKAIL : No, she wouldn’t talk to me. She wouldn’t pick up my calls.
JOE : Really?
MIKAIL : If I can just explain it to her. Tell her how I really feel, perhaps then she would understand.
JOE : Mikail, I know that it’s not my business, but seriously, how do you really feel about her?
MIKAIL : Isn’t it obvious? I care about her, even more than I should. I want her to be happy, but I know that I can’t give her what she wants. I can’t make her happy. I know only too well that nobody is responsible for anybody’s happiness except for his or her own.
JOE : I’ve known you for so long, I’ve watched you gone through so many things, it’s like you have all these preconceived plans that you have to realize and nothing was going to get in your way.
MIKAIL : Are you saying that I’m predictable?
JOE : More or less.
MIKAIL : What’s your point?
JOE : Did you ever in your life, with all your plans, expect someone like Nurul in your life?
MIKAIL : Never. She was definitely unexpected.
JOE : You can never change what has happened, you can never rework your past. You won’t be the same without it. I respect your decisions, the things that you do and the things that you don’t do. Respect doesn’t need understanding, but I’m asking you now, just so I could understand, why didn’t you make it clear to her earlier?
MIKAIL : What? That I was with somebody else? I thought that maybe she knew.
JOE : Come on, we both knew that she wasn’t sure. You could have easily changed that. Why didn’t you?
MIKAIL : I don’t know. I guess I don’t have any good excuse.
JOE : Try me.
MIKAIL : Maybe, I was selfish. I like her too much to risk changing the way things were. Maybe somehow, I knew that if she had known, she wouldn’t be the same anymore. Like there would be this great empty space between us. And as much as we try to fill it with good times, it would just grow bigger and bigger until we lose sight of each other. Figure of speech.
JOE : What made you think that she couldn’t accept it?
MIKAIL : What difference would my thoughts make? It doesn’t alter what has happened. And I was right, she couldn’t accept it as it is. It’s too late.
JOE : The both of you have so much love for each other that if you would just stop to think about it, you would realize that nothing could ever come between such a beautiful friendship. All the affection, all the respect, they are not easily thrown away.
MIKAIL : I always thought that if the friendship was strong enough, nothing could ever break it.
JOE : That’s true.
MIKAIL : But, she wouldn’t talk to me anymore.
JOE : She was angry; of course she didn’t want to. But, I bet if you go and talk to her, she will listen.
MIKAIL : How come you know so much? Have you talked to her?
JOE : I’m not saying anything.
MIKAIL : What did she tell you? Did she say anything about forgiving me? You can just tell me.
JOE : I have a better idea. Why don’t you go and find out for yourself. All the best! (He pats him on the back and leaves.)
Lights fade out.
I got myself sketched by an artist. I was told by a number of people that it doesn't look at all like me, but like some random old lady. Personally, I like it. I like the idea that what's on paper is how that one person sees me. And others may argue that the mouth is too big or the eyes are too small or the subject is too old, but I'll always be to that person as I was in his eyes.
Act 7.
Scene : NURUL comes into the living room with a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. She sits down on the sofa, flips a lifestyle magazine. Suddenly her phone rings. She picks it up with a smile on her face. She listens and starts to open her mouth but no sound comes out. She struggles to speak but fails, her eyes shows her panic. She drops the phone. CASEY enters. She looks at NURUL puzzled. NURUL looks back and faints.
CASEY : Oh my God! Nurul! What’s wrong? (She picks up the phone. The call has ended.) Nurul, wake up. Wake up!
Lights fade out.
It's a rarity for me to have a nice decent picture with my nephew, Aidil.
An earlier attempt caught him watching the telly.
My friend, Naim takes super good pictures with any camera.
Ironically, he's super shy in front of any camera.
Almost everybody knows of my mean and clean appetite.
But do they know of my mean and clean big bite?
Act 6.
Scene : JOE and CASEY are waiting on the sofa, anxious. NURUL enters. Both of them stand up. NURUL’s phone rings. She takes a look at it, hit a button in dismissal.
CASEY : Nurul, are you okay?
NURUL : What makes you think I’m not?
CASEY : Well, you look…
NURUL : Did he call you? Did he tell you to make sure that I wouldn’t be doing anything stupid?
JOE : Please, Nurul.
NURUL : Oh my God. You knew it didn’t you? You knew about it all along…
JOE : It’s not what you think. I thought it would be best coming out from him… instead…
NURUL : Well, guess what! You thought wrong. It was worse, because you know what, I practically dug my heart out and I put it in his hands. And what happened, it slipped off his fingertips, no, that’s not it, he threw it away and it fell and it shattered into tiny bits of bloody pieces. Now it’s gone. I don’t have a heart anymore.
CASEY : Oh, Nurul.
NURUL : Thanks for not telling me about it. I would have kept it all inside. It would have festered and bled, but at least it’ll be here.
CASEY : (She goes to hug NURUL.) I’m so sorry, Nurul. I’m so sorry.
NURUL : No, it wasn’t your fault. It was mine. You guys have been telling me over and over again. But what did I do, I never listened. I was too obsessed with him. I created things in him that doesn’t exist. Trust? Bullshit! Respect? Nothing! Love?
CASEY : I’m sure it’s not like what you think.
NURUL : Of course it isn’t, I was so full of hope, wanting it to be real this time. I was determined to make him mine but it was a lost cause even before I started.
CASEY : But, you didn’t know.
NURUL : No, I didn’t, but maybe I didn’t want to know. It’s ironic, all these while I’m in love with a blind man only to find out that it was me who was blind. I didn’t see it coming. I didn’t see the truth, right in front of me. I was too busy dreaming and hoping, I didn’t see things as they are. I’m just plain stupid. I’m so stupid.
CASEY : Don’t be so hard on yourself. He’s just another guy you’re going to get over real soon. If you ask me, I don’t think he even deserves you if he failed to realize how perfect you are. He’s just another fool that you can easily get rid of.
NURUL : No, Casey. As much as I want to believe that. He’s not just another guy. It’s not going to be that easy.
CASEY : You have to try at least.
NURUL : As much as I want to hate him for not returning my feelings, for not telling me sooner, and for other million things, I just can’t. I can’t hate him. I can’t simply throw away all this love that I have for him. And you want to know what’s worse, deep down inside, I know that he didn’t do anything wrong. It wasn’t even his fault.
CASEY : Well, who says that life is going to be a walk in the park anyway? You have us to help you, Nurul. We’ll make lots and lost of distractions, we won’t talk about him anymore, we won’t even mention his name. If it helps, we won’t even see him again, right Joe?
JOE : Whatever it takes.
NURUL : No, no… He’s your friend too. You can’t just ditch him like that. I won’t let it happen. I won’t destroy your friendship with him out of spite. It wouldn’t make me feel any better.
JOE : What would make you feel better, Nurul?
NURUL : If things were like it was before.
JOE : Why can’t it be like that?
NURUL : I screwed up. I said things I wasn’t suppose to say.
JOE : But, you can put it all behind you. Mikail would accept.
NURUL : No, I’m too ashamed of myself… Joe, is it possible to love someone, without expecting anything in return?
JOE : Of course, that’s what unconditional love is. You love because you want to not because you expect yourself to feel that way or you feel obligated to it.
NURUL : I used to be so happy. Whenever he’s around, I knew I was happy. It’s not the things that he did or said. It was his mere presence that would somehow brighten things up. I trusted him as much as he trusted me. We respected each other’s principles, we understood each other’s feelings. And it was enough. Being with him was just enough. It was perfect.
JOE : So how come things changed?
NURUL : I was so happy, so comfortable around him that I didn’t want it to end. I wanted to continue feeling that warm sense of security. I know now that it was just selfishness. I started to become afraid, afraid that if I didn’t do something, I might lose him. I might lose my happiness.
JOE : But, it’s natural to have fears in relationships. You can’t help worrying about how things would turn out in the future. It’s easy to become jealous or possessive or demanding, because you care so much, and you can hurt so much.
NURUL : It doesn’t have to be that way, you know. I wasn’t like that in the beginning. I wasn’t filled with expectations or longing, or hurt. I wasn’t even questioning it. I was just happy because being with him brought out the best of me.
JOE : So what happened?
NURUL : I’m not sure. I guess I became obsessed when I started to expect more and more out of it. I didn’t want to settle for less than I thought I deserved. I wanted him to be mine so that I won’t ever lose that sense of security. I forgot that I didn’t need to own him to be content in the first place, because I was already filled with the joy of loving someone, without obligations or expectations or fear.
CASEY : Nurul, what if all this while he also felt the same way?
NURUL : What if…
JOE : Maybe he loves you, in his own way. He was always in good spirits when you were around. He must have known it himself, and that’s why he held on. But still, he couldn’t change the fact that he had made his choice. A decision out of the love he felt for the other girl. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care at all about you.
NURUL : You’re right. He’s not the heartless monster in this case, I am. I trampled on his feelings. I made him feel bad. I should have accepted it as it is. Instead, I questioned him. How come he didn’t tell me sooner, why and all that, when it shouldn’t have mattered at all. It doesn’t change what I feel for him now. Questions are pointless.
CASEY : But I have a question.
NURUL : What is it?
CASEY : How do you feel about him now?
NURUL : Isn’t it obvious? I love him, perhaps more than I have ever felt before if that’s even possible.
CASEY : Oh, don’t you ever learn?
NURUL : No, Casey. It’s not the old obsessive me talking. I don’t need him to make me happy, because I already am. I’m happy because I have my family, my music, my books, my writings, my friends, my life, you two. I just realize that I don’t need somebody that can make me happy. I just need somebody who I am happy just being with.
CASEY : Well, I’m glad you’re returning to your cheerful self. But you’re starting not to make any sense and it’s becoming scary.
NURUL : Oh, Casey. I’m not crazy. Well, maybe I am, who cares? But, don’t you get it? Being with Mikail makes me happy because we appreciate each other’s company. We trust each other, we respect each other, and we don’t expect anything from each other except to have the most fun out of what our lives have to offer. It’s the joy of unconditional love; it is the best form of friendship, unreserved.
CASEY : Well, I’m glad that you feel that way. Because it’s not too late, Nurul.
NURUL : Are you sure?
CASEY : Yes. You’re not upset anymore, are you?
NURUL : No.
CASEY : You’re not angry with me, Joe or Mikail for not telling you about her?
NURUL : Umm… Maybe just a little. No, wait.. It’ s gone.
JOE : Can you accept things as they are?
NURUL : You mean, can I accept him with her?
JOE : Yes.
NURUL : As long as she doesn’t get in my way to have some quality time with him once in a while, there shouldn’t be any problem with acceptance.
JOE : Don’t worry, I bet he’ll make sure of it.
CASEY : So… Go ahead.
NURUL : (She takes out her phone and dials a number. She waits, full of hope, full of love. After a while, she hits the button.) He’s not picking it up.
JOE : Maybe he’s asleep. It’s late. Try again tomorrow.
CASEY : Don’t worry, he always calls back, right?
NURUL : (Smiles.) Always, even if it’s a little too late. Well, I guess I’m going to call it day. (She leaves it on the desk.)
CASEY : You’re not going to bring it to bed?
NURUL : Why? It’s not like I can talk when I’m sleeping.
CASEY : You never know who might call you, first thing in the morning.
NURUL : If it’s Mikail and I know him, he never calls when I’m asleep.
CASEY : Lucky you.
JOE : Are you implying something?
CASEY : Nope, not ever.
NURUL : Guys, I feel that I must say this when I really mean it. Thank you, for everything.
JOE : You know that we love you, right?
NURUL : Yes, Joe. Good night. (She leaves.)
CASEY : Do you think she’ll be alright?
JOE : Lets hope so.
Lights fade out.
Act 5.
Scene : NURUL is sitting on the bench in the park, playing with the guitar. MIKAIL enters.
MIKAIL : Wow, you’re early!
NURUL : I guessed I’ve learnt my lesson.
MIKAIL : That’s a surprise. I thought you never learn.
NURUL : I do, with the right teacher.
MIKAIL : So I’m a good teacher, huh? (He sits down.)
NURUL : You’re the best.
MIKAIL : It looks like we’re off to a pleasant start.
NURUL : Oh, don’t keep your hopes up. The excess urge to wring your neck from the last time you teased me into oblivion is still there.
MIKAIL : Oh, will you ever learn to forgive?
NURUL : Will I ever learn to forget?
MIKAIL : Start taking notes.
NURUL : Yes, sir!
MIKAIL : (Laughs heartily.) Can I have the guitar?
NURUL : Here. (She hands it to him.)
MIKAIL : (He starts playing, superbly. NURUL sings somehow with difficulty.)
[SONG]
NURUL : That’s beautiful. It’s my favorite song of all time.
MIKAIL : Same here.
NURUL : Mikail, can I ask you a question?
MIKAIL : You should just ask, what’s the point in asking whether you could ask me in the first place?
NURUL : Why… I mean, what made you decide not to sign up for another cornea transplant? Don’t you ever want to restore your sight? I know it’ll be a very, very long list, but at least you’re trying to make a change.
MIKAIL : Why would I want to make a change?
NURUL : Well, don’t you want to see again? See what life really has to offer you. There are so many beautiful things to look at, books to read; paintings to appreciate. Don’t you think you’ll be missing out a lot on life?
MIKAIL : What makes you think that I can’t see anything beautiful anymore? I may not be able to see, but that doesn’t mean I’m blinded with my shortcoming that I’m not able to enjoy my life to its fullest. I still have my other senses, Nurul. I feel life coursing through my veins and I’m thankful.
NURUL : I know, but you gave it up for a noble cause. It’s only right that you receive it back, if possible.
MIKAIL : You’re right on one thing, I gave it up. Why should I deny another person the chance to have it if it would make him or her happy? I know I don’t need it to make me happy. I already am.
NURUL : I didn’t know that you would think of it that way. I admire your strength, Mikail. I wish it wasn’t so hard for me to be perfectly content with my own life.
MIKAIL : Why is it hard for you to be content?
NURUL : Well, it’s because I always want things that I don’t have, things I believe I need to be happy, but sometimes, I’m too scared to try and get it because I know I might not have it in the end. Am I making any sense?
MIKAIL : You mean you’re afraid that things might not turn out to be as you want it to be.
NURUL : Exactly.
MIKAIL : But, that’s life. You might not necessarily get what you want, but maybe what you have now is really all that you need. Fear only makes you think too much and lose the whole point. Lose it.
NURUL : I always have this fear that what if one day, I would wake up to find that I can’t sing anymore. Just like that, it’s taken away from me. I know I’ll die. I would give everything to get it back. I’m nothing without it. I’m as good as dead.
MIKAIL : In that case, you should start living. Enjoy what you have now; be happy because you have it in you to just be. No more fears of losing what you have, because maybe you don’t need it to be happy in the first place.
NURUL : Mikail, what if I lose you?
MIKAIL : (Laughs.) What gives you that idea?
NURUL : What if one day, things change and we don’t even talk anymore?
MIKAIL : If it is within my powers, I won’t let it happen.
NURUL : Really? You mean; we’ll always have each other, we’ll always be this close?
MIKAIL : If that’s what you want, you can count on it.
NURUL : Of course that’s what I want. I want us to always be together. In fact, I can’t explain it but… I think I like you. No, I’m in love with you and I don’t know why but I seriously think that so far, you’re the one. There, I’ve said it.
MIKAIL : Nurul…
NURUL : You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to. I don’t want to put any pressure on you. You don’t have to say anything.
MIKAIL : Well, I don’t know what to say. What would you have expected me to say?
NURUL : I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. I feel so relieved talking to you about it.
MIKAIL : Nurul… Can I just say something, before anything else?
NURUL : Go ahead, I’ve already embarrassed myself in front of you.
MIKAIL : No, you don’t have to feel embarrassed in front of me. It’s only me.
NURUL : No, it’s especially you… You were going to say something?
MIKAIL : Nurul, what if I tell you that I also have feelings for you? That I think I know how you feel, the good times that we have all the time are not just play pretend.
NURUL : Is that even a question? Oh my God, Mikail, of course I’ll be happy. I might even just burst.
MIKAIL : Don’t go off bursting just yet. I might find it really hard picking up your leftovers. God forbid, I might have to wrestle with the stray cats and dogs around here for your pieces.
NURUL : Ewe… You don’t have to go that far!
MIKAIL : I really do enjoy your company, Nurul. I look forward to meeting with you every time, just to talk, even if it’s about nothing. Although I can’t see you, I imagine you to be this bright and bubbly, impatient little imp that’s forever being mischievous.
NURUL : Oh, no. You think I’m green?
MIKAIL : Oh, are you telling me that you’re not?
NURUL : (Laughs.) You’re impossible.
MIKAIL : That’s not true. I am doable.
NURUL : Are you suggesting that I do you?
MIKAIL : Do you want to do me?
NURUL : Do you want me to want myself to do you?
MIKAIL : Do you want yourself to want me to want you to do me?
NURUL : Does doing you mean I get done myself?
MIKAIL : What are you doing?
NURUL : What are YOU doing?
MIKAIL : (Laughs.) It’s funny that we can actually make fun about it.
NURUL : Make fun about what?
MIKAIL : Well, being suggestive and it’s nothing.
NURUL : Yeah, it’s nothing. (She sinks in her thoughts.)
MIKAIL : What’s wrong?
NURUL : Nothing.
MIKAIL : Something’s wrong. What is it?
NURUL : Actually, I was thinking, if this is as good as it gets. Is there any possibility that there might be more to this than just… nothing?
MIKAIL : I don’t get what you mean.
NURUL : I know that I said that I don’t want to pressure you for anything. Come to think of it, I lied. All this while, I’ve been waiting for a chance to tell you how I feel, and somehow I was hoping that maybe, just maybe you might just be more than a good friend to me.
MIKAIL : Nurul… I thought we understood each other.
NURUL : What am I supposed to understand? You haven’t actually explained anything.
MIKAIL : What do you want me to say then?
NURUL : Tell me that you want to give us a chance.
MIKAIL : I can’t. Not in the way that you want.
NURUL : You can’t or you don’t want to?
MIKAIL : How am I to tell you this? You’re not making it any easier.
NURUL : Just say it.
MIKAIL : Fine. I can’t give you what you want, Nurul.
NURUL : What do you know about what I want?
MIKAIL : I can’t be the one to make you happy.
NURUL : Why not?
MIKAIL : I care about you, but I can’t be responsible for your happiness.
NURUL : What? What are you saying?
MIKAIL : There’s a girl that I’ve known for years.
NURUL : Oh, no.
MIKAIL : She’s in my union for the handicapped. She’s brilliant, she’s confident, she’s strong, she understands me so well, and we’re good for each other.
NURUL : This can’t be happening.
MIKAIL : We’re getting engaged.
NURUL : What? How? Why didn’t you tell me sooner?
MIKAIL : You never ask.
NURUL : I never asked? Oh, I’m so, so stupid! I’m a stupid fool, that’s what I am. All this while, I thought that it was special. I thought I was special.
MIKAIL : You are special, Nurul.
NURUL : Then why are you doing this to me? How come I didn’t know? How come you’ve never told me? Oh my God, I wouldn’t have fallen for you so badly if I had known. She got you long before I came, she had you all along.
MIKAIL : I didn’t know it was important to you. I thought what we have was enough.
NURUL : Of course it was important to me. I should have known. I wouldn’t set myself up for this, wishing for something more if I knew that this was just it.
MIKAIL : I’m sorry.
NURUL : No, that’s not fair. You can’t expect me to forgive you for what you’ve done. It’s bad enough that I can’t take back what I said, I can’t erase how I feel for you, it’s worse knowing that I’m nothing, nothing all this while.
MIKAIL : I don’t think you’re nothing. You’re not, nothing.
NURUL : Then, what am I to you?
MIKAIL : You’re… You’re…
NURUL : You don’t even know yourself?
MIKAIL : I don’t want to lose you, Nurul.
NURUL : Remember what you said, Mikail? You don’t have to be afraid of losing what you have, maybe you don’t need it to be happy in the first place.
MIKAIL : Don’t, please let me explain.
NURUL : That won’t be necessary. Congratulations, Mikail. I hope you’ll be happy, for your sake. I hope to God, you’ll be happy losing me. (She leaves.)
Lights fade out.
