Philosophical cow dung on the life of little Ms. Imperfectly Fine.

Friday, January 18, 2008

b for boys

I haven't seen my best buddy for more than two years. Azlan was my team mate during my highschool debating days. And now he's in med school and despite the change in his appearance (he used to part his hair to the side looking adorably geeky), I'd say he's still the Alan that I know.

I was pleasantly surprised to hear that he was seeing someone. Alan happens to be an idealistic pessimist. He told me, he has never taken his girl out on a date and that I was the first girl he has ever gone out with alone. And that worries him being the gentleman he is. But I assured him that we weren't on a date. Personally, Alan is too much of a friend for the thought to even cross my head. And I make it a point not to date friends, but that's another story.

"Why don't you take her out on dates?"

Being the pessimist that he is, he fears that if he were to go out with her and they are tremendously happy being with each other, it'll only be frustrating when they have to endure the wait of finally being together. Alan prefers to think negatively so that if he's already at the lowest low, there's nowhere else to go but up.

"That's very noble of you but you can't just think about the future. You have to make memories of now as wonderful as you can because little happiness is happiness all the same."

One thing I must credit him is the fact that he believes in a long-term relationship and he wants to do it right. Alan knows what he wants and he's willing to work for it.

I'm rather envious. Alan's girl has found the best person who loves her as much if not more. If only more boys grew up to be Alan, so sure and determined to be happy with the only one he loves. Alas, most boys only love to play at love.

I shared with Alan my side of this neverending story. I am weary. Tired of being in love with someone who's incapable of loving me. I have decided to take it as it is. I care about him but I don't want to care anymore if he cares about me. Somethings are just the way they are.

I realized that it has been more than a year since I actually went out on a date with a non-imaginary possibly hot-blooded guy. I was nervous and excited and clueless and kept on saying to myself, "Ana, what are you getting yourself into?" I have no answers, only plenty of questions. Although I appreciate frankness and honesty in people, I do understand that some just can't handle it. So I am left with keeping my mouth shut, painfully.

Being someone as expressive as I am, it is difficult to contain how I feel about certain topics. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. It should not take a guy long to know whether I like him, even quicker for the reverse.

Alan told me that it's easy to like a guy, but giving your heart to him should be tougher.

"This is your heart. If you're planning to give it to anyone, he has to prove that he knows how to care for it. It's like you can't give RM50 to just about anybody. You only give it to those you trust and know would put it to good use. Your heart is worth more than RM50, Ana."

If only more boys grew up to be Alan.

I'm an optimistic idealist/idealistic optimist. I believe in that elusive thing called true love. But, I can't live my life getting in and out of relationships in the hopes of it being it this time, everytime. That's why I don't date boys (or friends) anymore. I don't believe in picking out from the crowd and going with the flow. It's either "you're it and we'll make this work" or "you're not what I want, I'm sorry".

It must sound pretty dumb to some but that's just me. Like I said I'm weary and I don't play games, at least not the kind in mind.

So if you know what I want and you want the same, just say it. But if you're not sure, then stay away at a safe distance from this little ms. scorpion because she stings.