head games

The probability of you falling for me is zero or one. If I'm into sadomasochistic head games then what we're doing is sooo much fun. Every time you're around, I can't move away. I'll be there still. I'll find myself fall for you, again and again, crushing my will.

I am a mess. I am depressed from missing you like I do. I am distressed. I am obsessed with making you want me too.

The possibility of me letting you leave is rather far-fetched. If you're into sadomasochistic head games then you should know that we're perfectly matched. Every time you turned me down, I won't walk away, despite your goodwill. You'll find your self worth sucked dry, again and again. Enjoy the thrill.

I am a mess. I am depressed from missing you like I do. I am distressed. I am obsessed with making you want me too.

This doesn't make sense. I'm already dense from figuring you out like I do. I am a mess. I am obsessed with wanting you.

Words and music by Ana Raffali (anaraffali muzik ent.)

UPDATED : 26/2/08

Little Things That Keep Me Happy 1

Apart from making music and playing the guitar. There are a number of things I love to do that keep me sane and happy.

1) Eating out with close friends

I asked a guy that I kinda like out for ice-cream the other day. He turned me down. It was the first time that I actually had the nerve to ask someone I didn't know that well but liked out for anything. I mean he was being polite and all and saying that he had a lot of things to do before he had to leave the country for a couple of weeks on that particular day that I asked him. But, honestly, I was mightily disappointed. Promised myself never to do it again, ever. Funnily, he sorted out the problem by saying that he would ask me out when he returns. It should be a relief.

But, I was still kinda disappointed. So, I decided on food therapy. I went to Sushi King with two of my good pals. Man, it was reeaaallly good. I totally forgot about what I was so upset about and had an awesome time catching up on stuff since I've been away from the two for quite some time. Icky's my band mate and he's been busy with a play while Faizah's my roomie and she's been doing her practicum teaching near her hometown. I didn't get to eat ice-cream anyway but we played a little game with a watermelon sherbet. Each of us had to share the latest juicy news before eating a spoonful of the gloriously rich delicious sherbet.


2) Playing with my nephews

I went out with my brother to get something special for our nephews. That something special was a box of oil pastels (48 colors) and two sketchbooks. My nephews are kinda banned from buying or getting toys for any occasion since they have tonnes of that already. And knowing that 4 year old Nabil is developing an interest in drawing and 3 year old Aidil, an interest in anything that interests his brother, it was only natural for us to get them something like that. I mean, the idea was mine really. I've always been a fan of oil pastels although I could not draw anything decent at all. And to acquire a box of oil pastels with as many colors as was marketable and possible, was a childhood dream come true.


So Auntie Ana became the dreamcolor master. To see the look of delight in my nephews' faces was simply wonderful. I sat with them as they draw and gave suggestions as to which color to use. I am rather impressed with Nabil's progress, if you have read a previous entry about him drawing you would know that he has grown a lot in terms of his ability to compose a picture. And it really makes me feel so proud to see my influence in the way he draws the dead tree. He was rather proud of it too.

Top 10 Favorites

Songs with yummy voices

1. Matthew Bellamy (MUSE) - Falling Away with You
2. Mathieu Bauer - Again
3. Ken Christianson - Pornographic Audio
4. JR Richards (Dishwalla) - Surrender the Crown
   
5. Daniel Johns (silverchair) - Reflections of A Sound
6. Even Johansen (Magnet) - Nothing Hurts Now
7. Jason Mraz - Mr. Curiosity
8. John Mayer - 3x5
9. Damien Rice - Cannonball
10. Thom Yorke (Radiohead) - All I Need

How I envy those girls who get to listen to these voices every single day..

This is (a new song)

This is
not bizarre.
It's just is
like some things are.

Take your empty hand
and fill it with mine.
And every other thing
will be just fine.

cuz

This is
what we need.
Not a promise
but proof of creed.

Take your childish dreams
and share it with me.
And every single thing
we'll make them be.

cuz

This is what I want
This is what I need from you
I want what I want
I want what I need, it's you.

Take my hungry mouth
and feed it with your love.
And every other thing
will be enough.

cuz

This is what I want
This is what I need from you
I want what I want
I want what I need, it's you.

Words and music by Ana Raffali (anaraffali muzik ent.)

Music Weekend

A weekend of music. Being sick has never been more fun.

I had a terrible flu on Saturday. Had to miss a gig I was really looking forward on. Once I was feeling a little better, I decided to meet up my jamming friends for some music therapy. I dragged Jannah along who was only too happy to accompany me.

But we didn't get to jam anyway since we couldn't get hold of my guitarist. So Jannah and I along with my friend Islah went to the Curve instead. There wasn't anything special going on but we kinda made it special by hanging out by the walkway and playing the guitar like nobody's business. I played a few songs, Islah played a few songs, but the best part was when he showed me some tricks on the guitar. It dawned on me that I might end up like the female version of John Mayer if I really set my heart on it. ;p

I bought my first guitar in December of 2003. I remembered that it was raining when we stubbornly marched our way to the store that sells guitars, Faizah and I. You see, we made a deal that since I was too poor to afford a guitar on my own, Faizah was willing to chip in her money for joint custody. She kept the receipt for some time until I was able to pay her back in full. With our limited knowledge on guitars, we picked based upon what looked good to us. So we got fortie6, an inexpensive blue acoustic Omeya guitar with a cutaway.

I didn't have anybody that could teach me how to play so I acquired the basic knowledge of chords through books on my own. I was frustrated with trying to play other people's songs and failing miserably so I ended up writing my own songs so I could play the guitar anyway. I understand now that my inability and impatience in learning other songs impede on the development of my guitar playing skills.

But I wasn't really passionate about guitars or singing. I do it occasionally, jamming as often as I could, juggling it with other activities like debating and school. And it wasn't until I went to Japan that I rediscovered my passion for music.

I bought my second guitar, Johney Honey after watching a John Mayer concert in Ebisu Hall in Tokyo. I was inspired to play again not so much by Mr. Mayer but really through having Japanese friends who are really passionate about music and would bring their guitars along wherever they go and play them whenever they can. And of course, there was Jeff, my lecturer as well as guitar hero who taught me a lot and moved me to sing my heart out.

Top this with a certain muse that came into play around the same time and I became everything that I am now. Just a girl in love with her guitar, wishing that she could express her thoughts and ideas and wicked dreams to those who are willing to listen and be inspired. I am grateful to be surrounded by people who shares the same love and ideas as I do when it comes to music. Even more when they are able to inspire me.

MySpace Music

Well, I was going to sign-up sooner or later.

Ana Raffali on MySpace

i know

For .......

you might be fooling yourself if you think you can fool me
I know all of your tricks
I have read your story
I know you'd love to love
you're just afraid to

you might be changing yourself if you think you can change me
I know the one you want
I am what you see
I know you'd love to love
you're just afraid to

give it up
stop sabotaging us
we could last
remain steadfast
it's no use
your heart wants it to
we'll pull through
we always do

i know

photo by aboutthelettera.com

Nothing I can think of

I can beg. I can crawl. I can climb. I can fall. But I cannot make you love me.

I can sing. I can write. I can kiss. I can bite. But I cannot make you love me.

I can cry. I can scream. I can tease. I can dream. But I cannot make you love me.

I can hide. I can chase. I can turn. I can face. But I cannot make you love me.

I can give. I can fake. I can freeze. I can break. But I cannot make you love me.

I can run. I can stay. I can wish. I can pray. But I cannot make you love me.

And there’s nothing I can think of that I can do about that.

Without me

Did I ask for that my lovesick king?
I stuffed my fear inside you.
Everything you’ve done, you’ve done for yourself.
I move to run for my soul.

I bid so long, you’ve chased this far.
My eyes can be confused just as I have been amused.
Should you still believe in me?
Should you stop?

Live with my shattered dreams.
Love with my broken heart.
You can live without me.

picture me

I took this picture quiz on facebook. Basically, you are asked to choose one among a set of pictures to describe or symbolize the words given. I made my selection and here is the result;

Temperament

Idealist

You are the quintessential dreamer - spending more time thinking about the possibilities that the world holds for you, rather than your reality. You don't settle for anything less than what you truly desire and you work very hard. You tend to live in every place except the present - you are prone to daydreaming about the future and re-thinking the choices you made in the past. Sometimes you get overly caught up in your thoughts.

Interests

Simple

You are continually pursuing a simpler and less complicated life - you don't allow yourself to fall victim to all of the "should do's" that society continually bombards you with. You are thoughtful about your life choices and think in terms of yourself, others and the world in which we live. You have a great sense that we are part of something much bigger and we must be good to others, if we want others and the world to be good to us.

Amusement

Adventurous

It's a good thing that you are filled with energy and ambitions (that others sometimes find exhausting) because you're continually looking for a new adventure and exciting experience. You struggle with a continual feeling of restlessness which constantly pushes you to the next level of excitement. Once you have accomplished one thing, you are eager to accomplish something more exciting, riskier and distinguishable.

Passion

Physical

You are a cuddle bug - from a warm hug shared with your best friend to steamy sex with your partner, you enjoy every bit of human contact that you can get. You demonstrate your love for others most fluidly through physical one-on-one contact and you feel the most loved when you are being touched. You feel disconnected when you are physically isolated from others. You're a people person and a lover of all things human.

I've always been idealistic, I suppose. And I would never settle for anything less than what I thought I deserve. ;p







My mom always tells me to be a good girl. That's why I would treat people kindly as I would want them to treat me. ;)






Well, I am spontaneous and tend to think on my feet when it comes to making intuitive decisions (not really sure what that means).








I suppose since I'm expressive and all, that should be understandable. I love hugs. ;)

one of those ridiculous dreams (again)

I had one of the most ridiculous dreams again.

I was married to this young feudal lord of futuristic times. I can't remember exactly how or who he looked like but I'm pretty damn sure he had a nice military bod with a winsome smile. I must have been in love with him to be married and worse to be sharing him with another girl (in holy matrimony) who was younger than my 22, perhaps she was 16-17.

I bet most guys would love to hear whether this dream involves a threesome of which a descriptive account would be most welcomed. Unfortunately for both me and you, it was devoid of any sexually explicit content. I don't think dear hubby got any scenes of which he managed to exercise his marital rights to either one of us, probably since it's my dream anyway and I of course despise having to share my man in bed. I guess the focus was more on the emotional ties between this love triangle.

From what I could remember, it was a decent existence. I busied myself with running the household, the child busied herself with matters I'm not concerned with, the idiot (for any guy who won't settle for one is an idiot) busied himself with his feudalistic duties. In time I realized the nature of our relationship, Man + Me = Lovers; Me + Girl = Friends; Girl + Man = Friends and lovers.

I noticed how close Man was to Girl, and despite my jealous streak I was okay with it. Like I understood that Man needed Girl whatever his reasons may be, and at the same time he needed me too. And my dream person needed him more so that was why I could accept the arrangement. There's this saying, "Don't marry the person you can live with, marry the person you can't live without".

I was pondering on the significance of this dream when I realize that perhaps it's not so much of the physical presence of this Girl in our (dream) lives, but more of the emotional effect it has over me. Which is, surprisingly, not really a bother at all. I wasn't angry or griping over the injustice of having to share, in fact I was just living with it, treating him with as much love as I was willing to give and at the same time acknowledging this other Girl as being important to him possibly even more than I could ever be.

But what makes this such a change from the usual unrequited love is the fact that, it is not unrequited. Man chose to be with me because of his love for me. Personally, this is all I need really. Someone I love dearly who loves me as much if not more, regardless of his emotional attachment to anyone else because what we have is really between just the two of us.

So, I'm okay with sharing as long as I can be with the person I love who loves me as well. But perhaps, this dream isn't really about me. Maybe it's a reflection of the person I think could deal with the worst of me, someone who understands my need for emotional attachment on old ghosts apart from him.

woodpecker

I'm burning up, my body aches
I want to stay asleep for a whole year
Somewhere in my head a woodpecker says
I'm gonna make a neat little home here
Excellent choice I must insist
For my head is the safest place to be
No predator lurks within the mist
But if you could please don't pick on me
This is bad enough.

Tell Me by ANH Raffali Final Act (9)

Act 9.

Scene : NURUL enters the living room with a bandaged/neck support. She sits down on the sofa, looks gloomy and distracted. Her phone rings. She almost jumps. She slowly looks at her phone. CASEY comes in. NURUL holds it up to her, gesturing, she gives the phone to her.

CASEY : Hello, auntie. Yes, we’re back… Yes, she’s here. She’s doing better. Doctor said… no, the virus shouldn’t be anymore fatal. But… the infection… her vocal cords had been paralyzed… No, I’m sorry… she can’t… Yes, they… it was much too late… it was so sudden. We didn’t even know. We thought it was just a normal flu… I’m… really sorry. I’m glad you’re coming soon… Sure, hold on a sec. She wants to talk to you.

(NURUL took the phone and starts to listen, eyes brimming with tears, she hands the phone back to CASEY who seems to be teary too. She scribbles something on a notepad and shows it to her.)

Yes, auntie… Of course, I will… Auntie, hold on a sec… Nurul wrote saying… she loves you… wants others to know she looks forward in getting get well gifts from everyone. (Laughs lightly.) Okay, I’ll see you soon… Bye…

(Suddenly the phone rings again.)

It’s Mikail. You want me to talk to him.

(She shakes her head hard, ‘no’)

But, you can’t just leave it like that. You have to let him know what happened.

(She scribbles something, ‘doesn’t have to know. wouldn’t make things any better’)

Why wouldn’t it make things any better?

(She scribbles something, ‘doesn’t change fact. can’t talk to him’)

Even if it doesn’t change the fact that you can’t speak, at least he’s there to offer comfort.

(She scribbles something, ‘like what?’)

I don’t know, he can make silly jokes to cheer you up.

(She scribbles something, ‘ha ha ha’)

Why are you being so pessimistic?

(She scribbles something, ‘why you so unrealistic?’)

What do you mean I’m being unrealistic?

(She scribbles something, ‘blind. mute. can’t read. can’t talk. How to communicate?’)

Well… you have me.

(She scribbles something, ‘wanna be C3PO?)

What the heck is a C3PO?

(She scribbles something, ‘sacrifice time echo my thoughts. no time for you’)

It’s not like you’ll be seeing him 24/7.

(She scribbles something, ‘not the point. don’t wanna be selfish anymore. better off thinking don’t need him. than knowing I do but impossible’)

Simpler way of saying it, please?

(She scribbles something, ‘can’t go back the way we were, gone, I’ve accepted’)

But why?

(She scribbles something, ‘can’t reach him anymore. What got us together is gone.’)

You mean your voice? (She nods.)

I think I get what you mean. He was there when you first sang in that open-stage. He couldn’t see you but you saw him, and your voice reached him. Your music brought the two of you together, it brought me and Joe to each other. And now that it’s gone, you don’t know how you’re going to get through to him.

(She nods and scribbles something, ‘Mikail taught me to be happy thankful with what I am. what I have. need your favor’)

Of course, I’ll help.

(She scribbles something, ‘can’t see him knowing how bad I feel.’)

I think I get what you mean. You don’t want him to know because you don’t want him to feel helpless. You don’t want to burden him with being powerless over this. (She nods.)

We won’t tell him.

(She mouths the word, ‘Thank you.’)

I can only guess what you must be feeling. Don’t lose hope, Nurul. We’ll sign you up for medical experiments or speech therapy or find dozens of other ways to talk to him. Pretty soon, he couldn’t even tell the difference.

(She scribbles something, ‘learn telepathy’)

That’s the spirit! Oh Nurul, are you going to be alright?

(She smiles softly, thoughtful.)

I can’t believe that something this horrible could happen. You had such a lovely voice. How easily it was taken away from you, no warning whatsoever. We didn’t even have the time to get your songs recorded. Now, it’s all gone, all gone.

(She scribbles something, ‘no it’s not. all in here’)

Where? (NURUL gestures to her head then to her heart.) You got your heart back?

(She gathers her hands to form a butterfly and draws them to the spot over her heart.)

Completely healed? (She nods. The sound of the doorbell escalates. CASEY ran off-stage.)

MIKAIL : May I speak to Nurul?

CASEY : Mikail, I… I have to check. Could you please wait here for a while?

MIKAIL : I don’t mind. (CASEY returns.)

CASEY : Nurul, he’s here, Mikail is here. What are we going to do? I know, I’ll tell him that you don’t have anything to say to him. But, if he wants he can just speak his mind. I’ll just let him in, he won’t ever know about your voice. Is that okay? (She nods. CASEY runs back off-stage and returns with MIKAIL.)

MIKAIL : I know she doesn’t want to talk to me, but she doesn’t have to say anything if she doesn’t want to, she could just listen while I do the talking.

CASEY : Suit yourself. (CASEY lingers.)

MIKAIL : Do you mind leaving us alone, Casey?

CASEY : (She looks pleadingly at NURUL, who gestures her to leave.) Alright. (She leaves reluctantly.)

MIKAIL : How have you been? … So, you’re really determined not to talk to me, are you? … Very well. I should start by telling you… how sorry I am… I didn’t know that I had taken you for granted, by not making it clear that… I’m with somebody else…

Remember we talked about fears. I thought I could overcome every fear in life, but I know now that I’m still scared of the things which are beyond my control. The truth is, I was selfish and afraid. I thought that if I didn’t say anything, it wouldn’t matter because it wasn’t important. What’s important was that we make the most out of the time we share together. I didn’t stop to think that you might not have the same ideas as I did…

I wanted us to always have that wonderful companionship. I thought being with someone else doesn’t mean that we can’t have that special bond that we had. But I was afraid that you might give it up, you might give me up if you knew and stop wanting to have anything to do with me. I was afraid that you won’t believe in what we have, you won’t believe that it was possible to feel that unconditional bond… I was selfish because I thought only of what I might lose, and that was you…

When you told me how you felt, I know exactly what you meant. We connect. If I had been more open to you, about my life, I think you wouldn’t have felt so betrayed, as if I purposely played you on… I care so much about you, Nurul. I love you… I know now that this love that I have for you is real for the fact that more than anything in the world, I want you to be happy… more than anything else, I want to be there with you happy…

But, I can’t offer you anything more than this. I’m sorry that I can’t give you what you really want… but if you would accept me as I am, if you would forgive me, I’ll know that we will always have that special bond that we had. So, if you still have any love for me, please tell me that you forgive me. Please say you won’t let go of what we share.

Nurul, talk to me.

Tell me that you forgive me.

Tell me that you will still have me as I am.

Tell me that unconditional love is real, that it isn’t just for lovers.

Please?

Talk to me. (NURUL cries helplessly.)

So is this the end?

Goodbye, then. (MIKAIL leaves. NURUL collapses as CASEY comes in.)

CASEY : (Tears in her eyes, she wraps her arms around NURUL.) There, there. There was nothing you could do. There was nothing you could do.

THE END

Lovely Lovely Scene

There's no use in trying to fight
when I don't really wanna win
for it's better to take delight
in this lovely lovely scene
see I love the way you sound
sing for me and wear my crown
dare you whisper my thoughts in my ear
there's nothing more shocking to hear

I know, I know, I know, I know
how high I could go
I know, I know, I know, I know
how low I could go

there's no use in trying to hide
what I want is to be seen
and it's better to feast my sight
upon this lovely lovely scene
see I love the way you look
be inside my picture book
I'll have you in my hands to stare
trace here, there, everywhere

I know, I know, I know, I know
how high I could go
I know, I know, I know, I know
how low I could go

so here I am
begging you to stay
come here my pet
don't leave me yet
or I'll make you pay
in more ways than one

I know, I know, I know, I know
how high I could go
I know, I know, I know, I know
how low I could go

Words and music by Ana Raffali (anaraffali muzik ent.)

I wrote this song as a response to having dared myself to come up with something less depressing, right after Ghost. I think this is my favorite bright song that I have written so far, since it's so much fun to sing, I am playful and all. ;p

Tell Me by ANH Raffali Act 8

Act 8.

Scene : JOE and MIKAIL are having lunch in a cafe.

JOE : So did you get a chance to talk to her?

MIKAIL : No, she wouldn’t talk to me. She wouldn’t pick up my calls.

JOE : Really?

MIKAIL : If I can just explain it to her. Tell her how I really feel, perhaps then she would understand.

JOE : Mikail, I know that it’s not my business, but seriously, how do you really feel about her?

MIKAIL : Isn’t it obvious? I care about her, even more than I should. I want her to be happy, but I know that I can’t give her what she wants. I can’t make her happy. I know only too well that nobody is responsible for anybody’s happiness except for his or her own.

JOE : I’ve known you for so long, I’ve watched you gone through so many things, it’s like you have all these preconceived plans that you have to realize and nothing was going to get in your way.

MIKAIL : Are you saying that I’m predictable?

JOE : More or less.

MIKAIL : What’s your point?

JOE : Did you ever in your life, with all your plans, expect someone like Nurul in your life?

MIKAIL : Never. She was definitely unexpected.

JOE : You can never change what has happened, you can never rework your past. You won’t be the same without it. I respect your decisions, the things that you do and the things that you don’t do. Respect doesn’t need understanding, but I’m asking you now, just so I could understand, why didn’t you make it clear to her earlier?

MIKAIL : What? That I was with somebody else? I thought that maybe she knew.

JOE : Come on, we both knew that she wasn’t sure. You could have easily changed that. Why didn’t you?

MIKAIL : I don’t know. I guess I don’t have any good excuse.

JOE : Try me.

MIKAIL : Maybe, I was selfish. I like her too much to risk changing the way things were. Maybe somehow, I knew that if she had known, she wouldn’t be the same anymore. Like there would be this great empty space between us. And as much as we try to fill it with good times, it would just grow bigger and bigger until we lose sight of each other. Figure of speech.

JOE : What made you think that she couldn’t accept it?

MIKAIL : What difference would my thoughts make? It doesn’t alter what has happened. And I was right, she couldn’t accept it as it is. It’s too late.

JOE : The both of you have so much love for each other that if you would just stop to think about it, you would realize that nothing could ever come between such a beautiful friendship. All the affection, all the respect, they are not easily thrown away.

MIKAIL : I always thought that if the friendship was strong enough, nothing could ever break it.

JOE : That’s true.

MIKAIL : But, she wouldn’t talk to me anymore.

JOE : She was angry; of course she didn’t want to. But, I bet if you go and talk to her, she will listen.

MIKAIL : How come you know so much? Have you talked to her?

JOE : I’m not saying anything.

MIKAIL : What did she tell you? Did she say anything about forgiving me? You can just tell me.

JOE : I have a better idea. Why don’t you go and find out for yourself. All the best! (He pats him on the back and leaves.)

Lights fade out.

Self-reflection

I got myself sketched by an artist. I was told by a number of people that it doesn't look at all like me, but like some random old lady. Personally, I like it. I like the idea that what's on paper is how that one person sees me. And others may argue that the mouth is too big or the eyes are too small or the subject is too old, but I'll always be to that person as I was in his eyes.





On another note, I was also told that I look very different in my art photos taken by my photographer friends. The makeup and dresses aside, I believe the reason why I may not look like my ordinary self is because of the person who sees me through his lens. The photographer same as the artist captures what he believes may best represent what it is that I convey through my presence. With a click of that button, I found my self that was always there but people weren't able to see before.

So, I've come to the conclusion that each person that I become acquaintance with will only see their personal version of Ana. And as people differ in their beliefs and likes, so will their view or understanding of who I am differ. But I don't really blame people for any misconceptions. I do understand the fact that people only see what they want to see, at the same time they also see what I would allow them to see.

So the question would be; Who are you really? Are you the sum of everyone's version of who you really are? Or are you only the version you have of yourself? Is it even possible that there is such a thing as the real you when most of the time you find yourself acting and reacting quite differently with some individuals? What about the times when you surprise those who know you long by behaving so unlike your usual self? Is the supposedly real you, who you are then as well?

Hearts change, people change. I don't think that anybody should claim to know their true selves the most. Perhaps, it is through another pair of eyes that the image in the mirror reflects what is true within. I take pleasure in discovering myself through the connections I have with certain close individuals in my life. Without their versions of me, I don't think it's possible to be, not so much who I am, but truly who I hope to become. The best Ana is the only Ana worth knowing.

Tell Me by ANH Raffali Part 7

Act 7.

Scene : NURUL comes into the living room with a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. She sits down on the sofa, flips a lifestyle magazine. Suddenly her phone rings. She picks it up with a smile on her face. She listens and starts to open her mouth but no sound comes out. She struggles to speak but fails, her eyes shows her panic. She drops the phone. CASEY enters. She looks at NURUL puzzled. NURUL looks back and faints.

CASEY : Oh my God! Nurul! What’s wrong? (She picks up the phone. The call has ended.) Nurul, wake up. Wake up!

Lights fade out.

Random Photos Gallery; Part 1

[Part 1 of my collection of photos I would want to blog about but didn't have the time to, but think they deserve honorable mentions.]

It's a rarity for me to have a nice decent picture with my nephew, Aidil.

An earlier attempt caught him watching the telly.

My friend, Naim takes super good pictures with any camera.

Ironically, he's super shy in front of any camera.

Almost everybody knows of my mean and clean appetite.

But do they know of my mean and clean big bite?

Tell Me by ANH Raffali Act 6

Act 6.

Scene : JOE and CASEY are waiting on the sofa, anxious. NURUL enters. Both of them stand up. NURUL’s phone rings. She takes a look at it, hit a button in dismissal.

CASEY : Nurul, are you okay?

NURUL : What makes you think I’m not?

CASEY : Well, you look…

NURUL : Did he call you? Did he tell you to make sure that I wouldn’t be doing anything stupid?

JOE : Please, Nurul.

NURUL : Oh my God. You knew it didn’t you? You knew about it all along…

JOE : It’s not what you think. I thought it would be best coming out from him… instead…

NURUL : Well, guess what! You thought wrong. It was worse, because you know what, I practically dug my heart out and I put it in his hands. And what happened, it slipped off his fingertips, no, that’s not it, he threw it away and it fell and it shattered into tiny bits of bloody pieces. Now it’s gone. I don’t have a heart anymore.

CASEY : Oh, Nurul.

NURUL : Thanks for not telling me about it. I would have kept it all inside. It would have festered and bled, but at least it’ll be here.

CASEY : (She goes to hug NURUL.) I’m so sorry, Nurul. I’m so sorry.

NURUL : No, it wasn’t your fault. It was mine. You guys have been telling me over and over again. But what did I do, I never listened. I was too obsessed with him. I created things in him that doesn’t exist. Trust? Bullshit! Respect? Nothing! Love?

CASEY : I’m sure it’s not like what you think.

NURUL : Of course it isn’t, I was so full of hope, wanting it to be real this time. I was determined to make him mine but it was a lost cause even before I started.

CASEY : But, you didn’t know.

NURUL : No, I didn’t, but maybe I didn’t want to know. It’s ironic, all these while I’m in love with a blind man only to find out that it was me who was blind. I didn’t see it coming. I didn’t see the truth, right in front of me. I was too busy dreaming and hoping, I didn’t see things as they are. I’m just plain stupid. I’m so stupid.

CASEY : Don’t be so hard on yourself. He’s just another guy you’re going to get over real soon. If you ask me, I don’t think he even deserves you if he failed to realize how perfect you are. He’s just another fool that you can easily get rid of.

NURUL : No, Casey. As much as I want to believe that. He’s not just another guy. It’s not going to be that easy.

CASEY : You have to try at least.

NURUL : As much as I want to hate him for not returning my feelings, for not telling me sooner, and for other million things, I just can’t. I can’t hate him. I can’t simply throw away all this love that I have for him. And you want to know what’s worse, deep down inside, I know that he didn’t do anything wrong. It wasn’t even his fault.

CASEY : Well, who says that life is going to be a walk in the park anyway? You have us to help you, Nurul. We’ll make lots and lost of distractions, we won’t talk about him anymore, we won’t even mention his name. If it helps, we won’t even see him again, right Joe?

JOE : Whatever it takes.

NURUL : No, no… He’s your friend too. You can’t just ditch him like that. I won’t let it happen. I won’t destroy your friendship with him out of spite. It wouldn’t make me feel any better.

JOE : What would make you feel better, Nurul?

NURUL : If things were like it was before.

JOE : Why can’t it be like that?

NURUL : I screwed up. I said things I wasn’t suppose to say.

JOE : But, you can put it all behind you. Mikail would accept.

NURUL : No, I’m too ashamed of myself… Joe, is it possible to love someone, without expecting anything in return?

JOE : Of course, that’s what unconditional love is. You love because you want to not because you expect yourself to feel that way or you feel obligated to it.

NURUL : I used to be so happy. Whenever he’s around, I knew I was happy. It’s not the things that he did or said. It was his mere presence that would somehow brighten things up. I trusted him as much as he trusted me. We respected each other’s principles, we understood each other’s feelings. And it was enough. Being with him was just enough. It was perfect.

JOE : So how come things changed?

NURUL : I was so happy, so comfortable around him that I didn’t want it to end. I wanted to continue feeling that warm sense of security. I know now that it was just selfishness. I started to become afraid, afraid that if I didn’t do something, I might lose him. I might lose my happiness.

JOE : But, it’s natural to have fears in relationships. You can’t help worrying about how things would turn out in the future. It’s easy to become jealous or possessive or demanding, because you care so much, and you can hurt so much.

NURUL : It doesn’t have to be that way, you know. I wasn’t like that in the beginning. I wasn’t filled with expectations or longing, or hurt. I wasn’t even questioning it. I was just happy because being with him brought out the best of me.

JOE : So what happened?

NURUL : I’m not sure. I guess I became obsessed when I started to expect more and more out of it. I didn’t want to settle for less than I thought I deserved. I wanted him to be mine so that I won’t ever lose that sense of security. I forgot that I didn’t need to own him to be content in the first place, because I was already filled with the joy of loving someone, without obligations or expectations or fear.

CASEY : Nurul, what if all this while he also felt the same way?

NURUL : What if…

JOE : Maybe he loves you, in his own way. He was always in good spirits when you were around. He must have known it himself, and that’s why he held on. But still, he couldn’t change the fact that he had made his choice. A decision out of the love he felt for the other girl. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care at all about you.

NURUL : You’re right. He’s not the heartless monster in this case, I am. I trampled on his feelings. I made him feel bad. I should have accepted it as it is. Instead, I questioned him. How come he didn’t tell me sooner, why and all that, when it shouldn’t have mattered at all. It doesn’t change what I feel for him now. Questions are pointless.

CASEY : But I have a question.

NURUL : What is it?

CASEY : How do you feel about him now?

NURUL : Isn’t it obvious? I love him, perhaps more than I have ever felt before if that’s even possible.

CASEY : Oh, don’t you ever learn?

NURUL : No, Casey. It’s not the old obsessive me talking. I don’t need him to make me happy, because I already am. I’m happy because I have my family, my music, my books, my writings, my friends, my life, you two. I just realize that I don’t need somebody that can make me happy. I just need somebody who I am happy just being with.

CASEY : Well, I’m glad you’re returning to your cheerful self. But you’re starting not to make any sense and it’s becoming scary.

NURUL : Oh, Casey. I’m not crazy. Well, maybe I am, who cares? But, don’t you get it? Being with Mikail makes me happy because we appreciate each other’s company. We trust each other, we respect each other, and we don’t expect anything from each other except to have the most fun out of what our lives have to offer. It’s the joy of unconditional love; it is the best form of friendship, unreserved.

CASEY : Well, I’m glad that you feel that way. Because it’s not too late, Nurul.

NURUL : Are you sure?

CASEY : Yes. You’re not upset anymore, are you?

NURUL : No.

CASEY : You’re not angry with me, Joe or Mikail for not telling you about her?

NURUL : Umm… Maybe just a little. No, wait.. It’ s gone.

JOE : Can you accept things as they are?

NURUL : You mean, can I accept him with her?

JOE : Yes.

NURUL : As long as she doesn’t get in my way to have some quality time with him once in a while, there shouldn’t be any problem with acceptance.

JOE : Don’t worry, I bet he’ll make sure of it.

CASEY : So… Go ahead.

NURUL : (She takes out her phone and dials a number. She waits, full of hope, full of love. After a while, she hits the button.) He’s not picking it up.

JOE : Maybe he’s asleep. It’s late. Try again tomorrow.

CASEY : Don’t worry, he always calls back, right?

NURUL : (Smiles.) Always, even if it’s a little too late. Well, I guess I’m going to call it day. (She leaves it on the desk.)

CASEY : You’re not going to bring it to bed?

NURUL : Why? It’s not like I can talk when I’m sleeping.

CASEY : You never know who might call you, first thing in the morning.

NURUL : If it’s Mikail and I know him, he never calls when I’m asleep.

CASEY : Lucky you.

JOE : Are you implying something?

CASEY : Nope, not ever.

NURUL : Guys, I feel that I must say this when I really mean it. Thank you, for everything.

JOE : You know that we love you, right?

NURUL : Yes, Joe. Good night. (She leaves.)

CASEY : Do you think she’ll be alright?

JOE : Lets hope so.

Lights fade out.

Dearest Drug

My dearest Drug,

I think I am developing a psychological dependence on you. I believe that you are necessary to maintain my feelings of comfort, awareness, pleasure and well being. At times, I find myself craving you and your rewarding qualities. I want my senses to be altered, my anxiety to be reduced, to have insightful experiences, to be intoxicated, a distortion of my senses, my perceptions and euphoria to be increased, a sense of calmness, lower inhibitions. I would always say; you felt good, I want to feel you again, I remember exactly how you felt. I have lost control over this feeling, I am addicted.

The more I am accustomed to you, the more I need you to get my desired effect. I used to need so little if not any at all, now all I want is for you to constantly swim in my bloodstream. This has fueled a violent urge to always have a need of you. I have tried stopping. I have the common withdrawal symptoms; depression, anxiety, paranoia, boredom and sadly, the inability to feel pleasure.

And before long, the urge to have you again becomes intense. Compulsive use; as long as you are available, I will undoubtedly turn to you. I can never say no to you. Loss of control; once I have had you, I will keep on it until I am exhausted or you are gone. Disregarding consequences; I don’t care if my cat gets fed, my studies are jeopardized, my mother disapproves, or my health is ruined, I would want you anyway. So my Dearest Drug, may I have some of you now?

Tell Me by ANH Raffali Act 5

Act 5.

Scene : NURUL is sitting on the bench in the park, playing with the guitar. MIKAIL enters.

MIKAIL : Wow, you’re early!

NURUL : I guessed I’ve learnt my lesson.

MIKAIL : That’s a surprise. I thought you never learn.

NURUL : I do, with the right teacher.

MIKAIL : So I’m a good teacher, huh? (He sits down.)

NURUL : You’re the best.

MIKAIL : It looks like we’re off to a pleasant start.

NURUL : Oh, don’t keep your hopes up. The excess urge to wring your neck from the last time you teased me into oblivion is still there.

MIKAIL : Oh, will you ever learn to forgive?

NURUL : Will I ever learn to forget?

MIKAIL : Start taking notes.

NURUL : Yes, sir!

MIKAIL : (Laughs heartily.) Can I have the guitar?

NURUL : Here. (She hands it to him.)

MIKAIL : (He starts playing, superbly. NURUL sings somehow with difficulty.)

[SONG]

NURUL : That’s beautiful. It’s my favorite song of all time.

MIKAIL : Same here.

NURUL : Mikail, can I ask you a question?

MIKAIL : You should just ask, what’s the point in asking whether you could ask me in the first place?

NURUL : Why… I mean, what made you decide not to sign up for another cornea transplant? Don’t you ever want to restore your sight? I know it’ll be a very, very long list, but at least you’re trying to make a change.

MIKAIL : Why would I want to make a change?

NURUL : Well, don’t you want to see again? See what life really has to offer you. There are so many beautiful things to look at, books to read; paintings to appreciate. Don’t you think you’ll be missing out a lot on life?

MIKAIL : What makes you think that I can’t see anything beautiful anymore? I may not be able to see, but that doesn’t mean I’m blinded with my shortcoming that I’m not able to enjoy my life to its fullest. I still have my other senses, Nurul. I feel life coursing through my veins and I’m thankful.

NURUL : I know, but you gave it up for a noble cause. It’s only right that you receive it back, if possible.

MIKAIL : You’re right on one thing, I gave it up. Why should I deny another person the chance to have it if it would make him or her happy? I know I don’t need it to make me happy. I already am.

NURUL : I didn’t know that you would think of it that way. I admire your strength, Mikail. I wish it wasn’t so hard for me to be perfectly content with my own life.

MIKAIL : Why is it hard for you to be content?

NURUL : Well, it’s because I always want things that I don’t have, things I believe I need to be happy, but sometimes, I’m too scared to try and get it because I know I might not have it in the end. Am I making any sense?

MIKAIL : You mean you’re afraid that things might not turn out to be as you want it to be.

NURUL : Exactly.

MIKAIL : But, that’s life. You might not necessarily get what you want, but maybe what you have now is really all that you need. Fear only makes you think too much and lose the whole point. Lose it.

NURUL : I always have this fear that what if one day, I would wake up to find that I can’t sing anymore. Just like that, it’s taken away from me. I know I’ll die. I would give everything to get it back. I’m nothing without it. I’m as good as dead.

MIKAIL : In that case, you should start living. Enjoy what you have now; be happy because you have it in you to just be. No more fears of losing what you have, because maybe you don’t need it to be happy in the first place.

NURUL : Mikail, what if I lose you?

MIKAIL : (Laughs.) What gives you that idea?

NURUL : What if one day, things change and we don’t even talk anymore?

MIKAIL : If it is within my powers, I won’t let it happen.

NURUL : Really? You mean; we’ll always have each other, we’ll always be this close?

MIKAIL : If that’s what you want, you can count on it.

NURUL : Of course that’s what I want. I want us to always be together. In fact, I can’t explain it but… I think I like you. No, I’m in love with you and I don’t know why but I seriously think that so far, you’re the one. There, I’ve said it.

MIKAIL : Nurul…

NURUL : You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to. I don’t want to put any pressure on you. You don’t have to say anything.

MIKAIL : Well, I don’t know what to say. What would you have expected me to say?

NURUL : I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. I feel so relieved talking to you about it.

MIKAIL : Nurul… Can I just say something, before anything else?

NURUL : Go ahead, I’ve already embarrassed myself in front of you.

MIKAIL : No, you don’t have to feel embarrassed in front of me. It’s only me.

NURUL : No, it’s especially you… You were going to say something?

MIKAIL : Nurul, what if I tell you that I also have feelings for you? That I think I know how you feel, the good times that we have all the time are not just play pretend.

NURUL : Is that even a question? Oh my God, Mikail, of course I’ll be happy. I might even just burst.

MIKAIL : Don’t go off bursting just yet. I might find it really hard picking up your leftovers. God forbid, I might have to wrestle with the stray cats and dogs around here for your pieces.

NURUL : Ewe… You don’t have to go that far!

MIKAIL : I really do enjoy your company, Nurul. I look forward to meeting with you every time, just to talk, even if it’s about nothing. Although I can’t see you, I imagine you to be this bright and bubbly, impatient little imp that’s forever being mischievous.

NURUL : Oh, no. You think I’m green?

MIKAIL : Oh, are you telling me that you’re not?

NURUL : (Laughs.) You’re impossible.

MIKAIL : That’s not true. I am doable.

NURUL : Are you suggesting that I do you?

MIKAIL : Do you want to do me?

NURUL : Do you want me to want myself to do you?

MIKAIL : Do you want yourself to want me to want you to do me?

NURUL : Does doing you mean I get done myself?

MIKAIL : What are you doing?

NURUL : What are YOU doing?

MIKAIL : (Laughs.) It’s funny that we can actually make fun about it.

NURUL : Make fun about what?

MIKAIL : Well, being suggestive and it’s nothing.

NURUL : Yeah, it’s nothing. (She sinks in her thoughts.)

MIKAIL : What’s wrong?

NURUL : Nothing.

MIKAIL : Something’s wrong. What is it?

NURUL : Actually, I was thinking, if this is as good as it gets. Is there any possibility that there might be more to this than just… nothing?

MIKAIL : I don’t get what you mean.

NURUL : I know that I said that I don’t want to pressure you for anything. Come to think of it, I lied. All this while, I’ve been waiting for a chance to tell you how I feel, and somehow I was hoping that maybe, just maybe you might just be more than a good friend to me.

MIKAIL : Nurul… I thought we understood each other.

NURUL : What am I supposed to understand? You haven’t actually explained anything.

MIKAIL : What do you want me to say then?

NURUL : Tell me that you want to give us a chance.

MIKAIL : I can’t. Not in the way that you want.

NURUL : You can’t or you don’t want to?

MIKAIL : How am I to tell you this? You’re not making it any easier.

NURUL : Just say it.

MIKAIL : Fine. I can’t give you what you want, Nurul.

NURUL : What do you know about what I want?

MIKAIL : I can’t be the one to make you happy.

NURUL : Why not?

MIKAIL : I care about you, but I can’t be responsible for your happiness.

NURUL : What? What are you saying?

MIKAIL : There’s a girl that I’ve known for years.

NURUL : Oh, no.

MIKAIL : She’s in my union for the handicapped. She’s brilliant, she’s confident, she’s strong, she understands me so well, and we’re good for each other.

NURUL : This can’t be happening.

MIKAIL : We’re getting engaged.

NURUL : What? How? Why didn’t you tell me sooner?

MIKAIL : You never ask.

NURUL : I never asked? Oh, I’m so, so stupid! I’m a stupid fool, that’s what I am. All this while, I thought that it was special. I thought I was special.

MIKAIL : You are special, Nurul.

NURUL : Then why are you doing this to me? How come I didn’t know? How come you’ve never told me? Oh my God, I wouldn’t have fallen for you so badly if I had known. She got you long before I came, she had you all along.

MIKAIL : I didn’t know it was important to you. I thought what we have was enough.

NURUL : Of course it was important to me. I should have known. I wouldn’t set myself up for this, wishing for something more if I knew that this was just it.

MIKAIL : I’m sorry.

NURUL : No, that’s not fair. You can’t expect me to forgive you for what you’ve done. It’s bad enough that I can’t take back what I said, I can’t erase how I feel for you, it’s worse knowing that I’m nothing, nothing all this while.

MIKAIL : I don’t think you’re nothing. You’re not, nothing.

NURUL : Then, what am I to you?

MIKAIL : You’re… You’re…

NURUL : You don’t even know yourself?

MIKAIL : I don’t want to lose you, Nurul.

NURUL : Remember what you said, Mikail? You don’t have to be afraid of losing what you have, maybe you don’t need it to be happy in the first place.

MIKAIL : Don’t, please let me explain.

NURUL : That won’t be necessary. Congratulations, Mikail. I hope you’ll be happy, for your sake. I hope to God, you’ll be happy losing me. (She leaves.)

Lights fade out.